FREE LOVE

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Since I can remember, I have loved. I have loved deeply and without reason. But over and over, in this endless cycle of learning I have allowed fears to be imposed upon the way I love. And so love has been hurtful. People around me, in their effort to help me, have told me countless times to “forget about him”, “get over him” or “you’re too good for him anyways!” and so… I have listened to them and repeated those things to myself until I believed it too. And that’s how I came to live the most painful lie of all: to live as if I didn’t love, as if I didn’t love myself. Instead of seeing every rejection as a place in me that I needed to nurture with my own love, I mistakenly saw it as an unlovable dark spot forever deprived of light. 

Until… it hurt too much too handle. Because, somewhere inside of me, I knew that regardless of the rejections, the conflicts or distances- it never meant the love wasn’t there. And neither did it mean that I wasn’t entitled to still love the way I felt I really did. This immense gift of loving through it all, was something I desperately began to protect myself from thinking IT was the cause of all my pain. Little did I know it was just that mindset that caused me to hurt the most… 

The biggest mistake us humans do is to deem it wrong to love. The greatest pain we can inflict upon others and ourselves is done by holding back the love we have and are. It is so simple really. Everything that we are is energy in vibration and that energy is set in motion thanks to the gravitational pull we call love. Love creates motion, which causes emotion and in turn that is what stirs the process of evolution. 

It is so simple really. And all this time, everything we’ve ever done wrong, has always been about undermining love. As soon as we forget about it, shut it out or restrict it in one way or another… things become complicated. 

And it hurts. But that’s not always a bad thing, because we tend to learn a lot from the pain and the complicated as well. But at some point we must realize that what we are to truly learn isn’t all that complicated. It’s love. We are to learn about love. I’ve realized it over and over again but somehow I needed some more homework and made things complicated for myself anyways. And so, with every time I have fallen head over heals or simply felt a strong pull towards someone, the thing that has hurt me the most is that persistent thought of “I shouldn’t” or “I can’t”. That stubborn little thing we call fear that springs right from that (not always so) amazing ability to think critically. 

Whenever we tell ourselves such things, we build a fort around our precious love and we become very lonely and thus more or less miserable. And then, everything becomes about defending those walls, keeping us busy, getting over it and blablabla. No. I will not settle for a life of distraction. I’m way too sensitive to survive such masochism anyways. For me, it’s beyond the point of choosing. If I am to continue living, I must also be free to love. And I mean love. Really love. I mean no boundaries, like love really is. 

I can’t say I won’t do this or I won’t do that because love- the universal law that rules me- does not work that way. We have the ability to rationalize and rationalize but with this gift of the mind we can only go so far. It is only with the force of love that we may go beyond the limits that our rationality perceives. It is our lesson to learn to expand beyond the boundaries we have set up for ourselves. We must see the imprisonment of our emotions that is inhibiting us from being free individuals in a limitless united collectivity. Once we expand with love we will see there are no rules. 

We may have needed moral codes and rational social control back when we hadn’t yet evolved so far in our ability to love, but now that we have- the next step must be to move beyond those codes and restraints. We can trust ourselves to be free if we live in accordance with love. Hurt and pain only derives from depriving ourselves of the right to be happy and free. Happiness is just another word to describe what happens when we let go of our fears, of our inhibitions. Happiness is when we choose to be free to exercise love. Isn’t that a human right? Isn’t that all that history seems to have taught us? That love conquers all? That we all have the right to love freely? No matter the circumstances? No matter what the mind fears might happen or deems inappropriate? 

We must love and we must love freely. It is really about time we rid ourselves of our self-inflicted pain and constraints and about time we opened our hearts to the infinite amount of love that is accessible to us.  About time we began to exercise that love without trying to control it. I once wrote, in a state of gut-wrenching heart ache over a secret crush, that love is like a wild horse, tormenting and terrifying when in captivity, but when it is freed, galloping majestically across a limitless open field… that is when it is truly home. And with lessons taught over and over, I have learned this one thing: the ultimate declaration of love to myself is to set myself free. And whatever thatmeans, I am ready to find out.

A heart can never truly break, but only the walls we built around it.

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SICK

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I got sick, terribly sick. Sick of hiding and holding myself back. Yes, truly, it made me ill in every sense. And then when I stood back up to heal, they turned their eyes to me and saw. And what they saw it scared them. So much so  they tried to beat me black and blue. Though my colors never changed, I do see I was born to break. Break the shell of fear, that we impose upon ourselves. I am not the sickness, though it held me tight for long. No, me I am the remedy. The cure from all their lies. I think the word is truth. But I’m sure it won’t suffice, to show what grows inside it. To reveal all that it is. But my life is the tool, to awaken just all that. Whatever it might be. And put to sleep what it is not. For all that I now forgive, and allow to slip away. So yes, that is why I won’t be hid again. For here I stand in light of love and truth. Stripping off the sickness, healing in the nude.

I FELL IN LOVE

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I am in love. I fell in love and there is no falling out of it. But I am no damsel in distress. I have fallen head over heals, yes. Truly and deeply but there’s no point in trying to catch me. Don’t you worry. It’s no silly infatuation. I am not blinded, no, I see things very clearly now. I am madly in love. I have fallen and there’s no turning back.

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I am in love with life. I am so in love that these words are failing me. I love intensively. Every little crack and crease. Every little turn. Every little bump. All of it. I am in love with everything I see. Everyone I meet. Everything I touch. Everything that ever was. All that has yet to come. And mostly, I love all that is.

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Every hair on my body. Every scar and every wound to come. I love the way my whole organism works together in a symphony, keeping me in one piece. Allowing me to move as a beautiful irreplaceable entirety. Especially how it allows me to dance. To feel. See. Speak. Taste. Write. All of it.

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I love everything around. Everything far away in the distance and nearby. I am so in love. With every man and woman who has ever spoken a single word to me. Taken the time to get to know me. To be with me in one way or another. Intimately or completely platonic. I am so in love. So, so in love.

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I am in love with the lizards. Insects. With the bees. The flowers. The clouds. The sun. And all there is, ever was and ever will be. All that- I love. I am even in love with the things that I fear. The things I can’t stand. All of it. Of course I am in love with what I love. With all that I like. All that I don’t understand and all that I do.

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Oh how wonderful it is to be in love. To see so clearly. In love with my own beating heart and bewildered spirit. My cultured mind and my unique body. Also, I am in love with you. So if I haven’t already made it clear, now you should know… I love you.

ALREADY HOME

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We rise up towards the sky

Wings piercing through layers of clouds

Shades of blue shifting

Turning Darker

Voices speaking

A steady hum

We are moving

Constantly

Full speed ahead

We are going home

Yet we are already home

Always

Wherever we are

Always home.

ALLEGIANCE TO UTOPIA

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Hey. I really don’t mean to ruin your day but… then again, maybe I do. Because honestly I can’t really afford to stop and worry about what you will think of me. It isn’t the biggest of my problems. I have to ruin your day. Because maybe that’s what it takes for you to put your day in perspective, to understand what a day really is. Because as you prepare for this new day as if it were just an ordinary day, one in a seemingly endless row of days cramped with unprocessed emotional residue from the past, fatal things are happening. The residue causes unconscious behavior further motivated by an unachievable future ideal that has been imprinted in your mind by society, and all the while… humanity is, not so slowly anymore, committing mass suicide. Every minute, heck, every second that we spend either stuck in the past or escaping to the future through our minds, we miss a chance at individual and collective redemption and instead contribute to the growth of dysfunction in ourselves and the world. Each and every one of us is responsible for the restoration of balance within us in order to create that balance in the world around us as well. We need to realize this with the sense of urgency that is required for us to act upon it as quickly as possible. Every moment is a battle between the forces and it is in our hands to even things out and reinstate harmony in the world. It is doable but it necessitates our full conviction and dedication. I pledge allegiance to the utopian reality that is available to us through enlightenment and love in every present moment. Will you too?

CAN THIS REALLY BE?

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Can this really be? For centuries and more they hunted you down and punished you for your truth and your magical mystery. Now suddenly they seem to ask for it. They don’t fear you. They beg and plead for you to help them. They once called you a witch, chained you down, burnt you and tossed you down a cliff to see if you would fly.

 Well now you do and there they are, watching you in awe as you rise like a phoenix from the ashes of their primeval cursed fires. All along they blamed you for witchcraft and black magic when all along it was them whom used the dark forces to torture your bright soul. Your body and mind may have died over and over but your spirit persisted and here you are again, blooming, as bright as ever. The courage you have had over lifetimes is ineffable, beyond grasping and spectacularly baffling. You have withstood so much and yet you have kept coming back. You have trusted defeat to be the beginning of victory and therefor you have been resilient. Your strength is unlike many.

 The memories of your past battles stretching far back in history of mankind are imprinted in your body and today you can honor them. Today you can reveal yourself and give thanks to the courage you have showed lifetimes again and again. You have fought long and hard and beginning to see that you can finally put your sword down knowing that you mustn’t always be on guard. You have made it safely to this point in time and space and here you can finally reside in peace. You were a warrior, a princess with a blade sharpened by love. You were a healer, a goddess with hands of light. You were a speaker with a quick tongue perfected for wisdoms of the heart. Now you are all those things you ever were, just not chased and imprisoned for it. Now you are a free bird, wings spreading high and wide.

For long your roots have carved their way deep into the soil of this earth and finally the flower is in full bloom with no end in sight. Honor the wars of the past and rejoice in the peace of today. You are deserving of the goodness that is given to you at this present time, for you have fought heroically and ceaselessly. These are times of laughter, but unlike previous times these laughs will not slit you throat. As you laugh today all the wounds of your past battles are healing and finding their peace inside your everlasting soul. Like a soldier home from war, it is sometimes hard to understand that the combat is truly over. But it is time you see that you are in fact coming home and that everyone who ever saw your light and laid a hand upon you is now cheering you on, welcoming you to rest in happiness and develop freely from now on.

No one is here to hold you back anymore, and even if that is a good thing it can be a terrifying thought for one whose wings were cut by countless hateful hands. But don’t be alarmed. There is really nothing to fear and such is the truth today. It wasn’t always so but today it is and so you must accept that, just as you once accepted to fight your way through the storms. Today you have clear blue skies and a light breeze pushing you forward on your journey.

The sun shines bright upon your face and the moon pulls you wherever you need to be. She, the moon, has watched you in your darkest hours and seen you swivel your sword and stain your hands with the blood of those whom once tried to stop you. But she has also seen your grace and your caring ways when no one else could see. She, the moon, asks you to forgive yourself just as she has long ago. Him, the sun, shows you the brightness of your being and asks you not to hold it back. Rains have watered the earth and your feet have danced upon it with grace no matter what. You are the one you’ve always been, whom you’ve been punished and feared for, worshiped and loved for and whom you are now free to be. In this life you are truly unlimited. In this life you are free.

GALACTIC FAMILY

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The sun does not compare itself to the moon

Embrace. Embrace, the ever-changing dance

We are planets, centers of gravity’s pull

Each crucial to the synchronicity of the whole

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The moon does not wish it were the earth

Every single one of us, born out of a serendipitous collision

A union of love, for the benefit of all

Part of a micro macro galactic family

Building the entirety by being, by learning

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Venus doesn’t ask to switch places with Mars

Rotating in different directions, different angles in different speed

Here to explore the endless varieties of life’s expression

There is no ideal; uniqueness is the expansion, the bliss

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Jupiter does not try to be more like Pluto

Embrace. Embrace, diversity in time and space

As above so below, as within so without

Emitting light together

A spectacular experiment, motivated by love

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Embrace. Embrace.

HOW TO FLY

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The secret to flight is to travel light

To find all, all must first be lost

Such states the law of nothing

One who sees potential in nothingness

Knows the source of everything

Just as in the depths of sound lies silence

All can be done deep down in oblivion

Look to the source and you will see

The invisible eagerly manifesting

When all has yet again vanished

It is all becoming but once more

The exhale makes way for the inhale

Like letting go makes way for the new

CEASE FIRE, RETREAT

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I see now

What you ask is out-of-date

It can’t be done

And that is how you had me working like a dog

Doing what couldn’t be done

But now when you keep asking I must tell you

That what you ask has already been done

And therefore you must retire

You had me under close watch

With my best interest in mind

Because true it is that I needed you then

And you pushed me well and far

But today I have been pushed as far as can be done

So from here on out I am bound to make it

Which is why I do not need you any longer

We both do deserve a good rest

You did your job with splendor

And I too always did my best

So let us shake hands in peace today

For what we were striving for has now been achieved

The time has come to realize

The finish line is crossed

Your schooling days are over

Even way past due

Pushing further would only be upsetting

It would lead me back astray

All this hard work

So that now you can sit back

See me take it in

For what remains is but acceptance

Of a job finally accomplished

So let us not resist this ending cycle

But be grateful for its success

No need for more regrets or worries

Just a cause for celebration

For here begins the new.

SERVANTS OF THE MOON

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I bleed with the full moon

As it eclipses I fall into its shadow

But in the vivid dark I see

The fallen sisters of times past

My faithful standing allies

And those yet to grieve

The river of blood that we spill

Today the moon is full

And it speaks of more than sorrow

It speaks of laughter shared

Of sisterhood braced

It tells the tale of waters dance

And preaches of flowing life

Dictating the tides of our bodies

One we grandly walk upon

Others we sensitively walk within

It sings to the rhythm of our beating chests

And I hear the gentle tapping

Of bare feet to the ground

We sway with the currents

Surrendering to our master in the sky

It tells me to bleed

And so I honor its vile wish

Yet weeping no more

For the lineage of the drained

Understanding finally why

Such was our heredity and destiny

To continuously live and die

Rinsing the present of the old

Such is the providence of our sisterhood

Powerful keepers of balance

Humble dancers of destroyers

And tender queens of rebirth

Loyal decedents of the divine

We were never fallen

Merely dancing to the everlasting flow

In and out like breaths of air

Kindred delicate warriors of this earth

Holding life within our wombs

Bleeding with the full moon