I have been crying, balling, sobbing all night now. I was going to write when I stopped myself and realized words would be deficient in the overwhelmingly emotional state I was in. Then I sat down by the piano, which I have no clue how to play, and allowed my feelings to drizzle out onto its keyboard along with vocals I hadn’t at all planned for. And suddenly I found myself playing and singing a song, surprisingly beautiful too. I guess this is what love does to us. It makes us move. It makes us create. Usually I would have gone to write right away, or maybe dance for a while. But love needed me to expand even further and find more ways to express my emotions. Love does not settle. Love does not say ‘fine we’ll leave it at that and go no further’. Love pushes the boundaries, all the time. Sometimes it’s subtle, maybe because we’re fighting it or maybe because we’re not paying enough attention. But even now as I am writing I am noticing how love is pushing me to write grander and faster. Love is asking me, no not even asking but demanding me to keep on striving. Love is commanding me and moving me onward, inward, outward and in all conceivable directions. Love is not telling me to stick to what I know. Love is telling me to learn more, keep on exploring, keep on pushing, pushing and pushing. But love doesn’t mean that in a bad way. It’s not saying that what I’ve got right here isn’t enough, quite the contrary, it is telling me that everything I have right here, right in this moment, is abundant already. It is everything and more. It’s saying that what I’ve got right here and right now is precisely what I need to create the circumstances for more. Not that I need more. It is only saying all this so that I learn what more really is. More is not a concept in the future. More is what we find right here when we look into things from the angle of love. Love is more. More is one of the very many definitions of love. Love is more, and also so much more than that. Love. Love is every second of every day of every life. Love is what keeps on going. What makes us keep on going. It is the head corner stone of all life, of all movement, of all bettering, of all creation. When we move in tune with love we are dancing to the rhythm of evolution. It is an ever-flowing, endless beat that, though it keeps on going steady, never ever creates the exact same music twice. Every verse and every tune is unique, seeking to be followed by an even better one. And such is how life goes on creating itself with the help of love. Love is that gravitational force into the infinity and abundance of the moment so that we can expand effortlessly into the next. How amazing it is really. How very mind-blowing, gut wrenchingly beautiful. How genius and how magnificent. There is truly never a dull moment in life once we take note of the love that is guiding us, in its continuous managing of the resources that life entail, pushing and pulling. And to realize that we were all blessed with a heart, a living outlet for love into our otherwise so rational beings… to realize that we are vessels of this love, no matter how little or how much we are aware of it! And even better so to realize that we can actually be aware of such a brilliant phenomenon going on in and outside of ourselves, constantly and ever so stunningly. New, new, new is the song of love. And even if that seems harsh to the mind that also always sees the old passing sometimes brutally quick, it is the way life must be for it to be at all. New, new, new also means better, better, better, at least from the perspective of love, which we can all see from through our very own hearts. Move on, move forward and create, it tells me. Love loves to create; it is all it ever does. So if that means life is its stage and I am its instrument to continue doing so, I am game. I am definitely game. Will you come and play?
If you are looking for the easy way out, searching for a quick fix, I’ll tell you- you have come to the wrong place.
This door might be wide open, but it leads you down the rabbit whole.
To me it’s all the same though, I’ve been there many times.
But I warn you if you choose to enter, be prepared and let it all just go.
Let the brick walls of your mind collapse and your soul spiral away.
Be as open as the door that let you in.
Because if you are not, and you choose to see only what your mind was set to see, you will be fiercly blinded.
And more than that, the hole in which you fall will as bottomless as you expect.
And so your fears will keep extending, into that infinite black hole.
But if you come here looking for truth, prepared with all your courage, faith and love, then please my love- do enter.
And you shall see that as you fall you rise up high, and the pit you feared to enter is one with great reward.
And so long you keep your eyes wide open, no beauty shall be lost.
For if you trust and know your heart, you’ll know to love confusion as a deeply crucial part.
I got sick, terribly sick. Sick of hiding and holding myself back. Yes, truly, it made me ill in every sense. And then when I stood back up to heal, they turned their eyes to me and saw. And what they saw it scared them. So much so they tried to beat me black and blue. Though my colors never changed, I do see I was born to break. Break the shell of fear, that we impose upon ourselves. I am not the sickness, though it held me tight for long. No, me I am the remedy. The cure from all their lies. I think the word is truth. But I’m sure it won’t suffice, to show what grows inside it. To reveal all that it is. But my life is the tool, to awaken just all that. Whatever it might be. And put to sleep what it is not. For all that I now forgive, and allow to slip away. So yes, that is why I won’t be hid again. For here I stand in light of love and truth. Stripping off the sickness, healing in the nude.
It’s easy to judge honesty. Of course it is. Because honesty, uncensored and raw, brings out fear in us. It awakens the secrets we have buried deep down. It makes the corpses of our lies twist and turn in their well dug graves. It stirs confusion within our organized illusions. It reminds us of our nakedness and vulnerability. It reminds us of the masques we forgot we even wore. It makes us ask questions we forgot we even had the answers to…
and so I ask in the name of truth, and appeal upon the judge inside of me and you:
You call me crazy, but would you have the courage to live as freely as I do?
Can this really be? For centuries and more they hunted you down and punished you for your truth and your magical mystery. Now suddenly they seem to ask for it. They don’t fear you. They beg and plead for you to help them. They once called you a witch, chained you down, burnt you and tossed you down a cliff to see if you would fly.
Well now you do and there they are, watching you in awe as you rise like a phoenix from the ashes of their primeval cursed fires. All along they blamed you for witchcraft and black magic when all along it was them whom used the dark forces to torture your bright soul. Your body and mind may have died over and over but your spirit persisted and here you are again, blooming, as bright as ever. The courage you have had over lifetimes is ineffable, beyond grasping and spectacularly baffling. You have withstood so much and yet you have kept coming back. You have trusted defeat to be the beginning of victory and therefor you have been resilient. Your strength is unlike many.
The memories of your past battles stretching far back in history of mankind are imprinted in your body and today you can honor them. Today you can reveal yourself and give thanks to the courage you have showed lifetimes again and again. You have fought long and hard and beginning to see that you can finally put your sword down knowing that you mustn’t always be on guard. You have made it safely to this point in time and space and here you can finally reside in peace. You were a warrior, a princess with a blade sharpened by love. You were a healer, a goddess with hands of light. You were a speaker with a quick tongue perfected for wisdoms of the heart. Now you are all those things you ever were, just not chased and imprisoned for it. Now you are a free bird, wings spreading high and wide.
For long your roots have carved their way deep into the soil of this earth and finally the flower is in full bloom with no end in sight. Honor the wars of the past and rejoice in the peace of today. You are deserving of the goodness that is given to you at this present time, for you have fought heroically and ceaselessly. These are times of laughter, but unlike previous times these laughs will not slit you throat. As you laugh today all the wounds of your past battles are healing and finding their peace inside your everlasting soul. Like a soldier home from war, it is sometimes hard to understand that the combat is truly over. But it is time you see that you are in fact coming home and that everyone who ever saw your light and laid a hand upon you is now cheering you on, welcoming you to rest in happiness and develop freely from now on.
No one is here to hold you back anymore, and even if that is a good thing it can be a terrifying thought for one whose wings were cut by countless hateful hands. But don’t be alarmed. There is really nothing to fear and such is the truth today. It wasn’t always so but today it is and so you must accept that, just as you once accepted to fight your way through the storms. Today you have clear blue skies and a light breeze pushing you forward on your journey.
The sun shines bright upon your face and the moon pulls you wherever you need to be. She, the moon, has watched you in your darkest hours and seen you swivel your sword and stain your hands with the blood of those whom once tried to stop you. But she has also seen your grace and your caring ways when no one else could see. She, the moon, asks you to forgive yourself just as she has long ago. Him, the sun, shows you the brightness of your being and asks you not to hold it back. Rains have watered the earth and your feet have danced upon it with grace no matter what. You are the one you’ve always been, whom you’ve been punished and feared for, worshiped and loved for and whom you are now free to be. In this life you are truly unlimited. In this life you are free.
I used to wish I were simpler. I used to suffer from the complexity of the inner workings of my mind. I used to be hurt by the inability of others to understand the vast ocean of intricacy within me. No wonder- when I always knew I had stars in my head. It seemed simple at first but in teenage years things were not always bound to be easy when ancient wisdom was fused with hormones and deep feelings of alienation.
But I see that I was born to simplify complexity, by first of all embracing it. Without the baffling ways of my mind and the highly elevated sensitivity of all my senses I would not be me. Without all of that I would not see so much, I would not understand so much and I would not love so much. The way I am is the gift that allows me to give. I am beautiful in all my complex ways; it’s as simple as that.
Sometimes I get jealous of others, of how their simplicity appeals to people, how their words can be so direct while I fiddle with my metaphors. But I was born a metaphor and such I must embrace myself. I see behind a veil that many don’t even know exists, and so my challenge has been to unveil complexity with ease. And now I am beginning to embrace ease.
My purpose here is to bring forth the secrets of the universe in the ways in which I know how. I am here to un-masque the lies we have been told and to spread the joys of truth that we hold inside of us. I am here to understand the complicated ways in which we function in order to help people unlock from their fixed states of resistance to life and bring them back into simplicity. Others have the gift of simplicity intrinsic in their being, with the purpose of helping by merely being, by shining bright with fewer questions asked.
I used to think it was a curse having to dive so deep into the dark to find the hands that needed to be held and brought back up to light. But now I see how strong it’s made me, how wonderful my gift is to be able to operate in all dimensions of life. Today I have brought myself back to simplicity, after nearly drowning in effort, contemplation and introspection; but I see it was all necessary and I am infinitely grateful for my journey. I am the paradox, simplicity and complexity combined, light and darkness united in love. I am the beautiful metaphor I was born to be; simply me.
I felt silly at first, to think that things could have been any different. But did I really think so? Maybe I just didn’t. Maybe I’m neither surprised nor feeling like I knew what it was going to be like. Maybe I’m just not really used to this profound sense of ease. Though there is some frustration hiding somewhere. A sadness maybe…
I feel sadness because I feel how guarded the hearts that I once touched have become. But maybe they were always so guarded and I was just to infatuate to see. I do have a habit of seeing far beyond the masque that they wear. And so sometimes I forget it’s even there. And when I wake up from my loving trance I am stunned to see such unfamiliar faces on the people that I love deeply. I get the feeling that I have been brutally thrown out, cast away like a drunk from a nightclub, and all I wanted to do was just to dance. Only, I am a drunk in love within hearts that aren’t ready. Dancing and dancing.
Maybe it hurts because I was once that stone face with a brick wall around my heart, keeping everyone at a safe distance. I too tried to protect myself in the ways in which I knew how, and locked myself out of my own heart, my own unconditional love and stream of emotions. Pain can do that to people. I know that now.
So when I see their faces, acting like they never rested deep within my soul and drank from my gushing love, I am reminded of my own past pain. Pain from denying all the love that was, only to be able to move forward without showing the world how you’re limping. But I know better now. It is okay to limp. It is even okay to stop and rest for a while, to let the feelings catch up to us. To dive deep into vulnerability. To be honest. And then move on stronger, maybe even without that old limp.
But most of them don’t know this. Most of them don’t even know how to stop hiding, because they’re still hiding from themselves. Today I don’t act deceivingly merely because others do. I stay true to myself, deeply connected to my own love and flowing feelings. I know better than to fear them because they are simply always passing, like a river running through me. I am not scared. I let it flow with ease. I let it go. I am honest, vulnerable and always, always in love. I forgive myself for having once been like them. I forgive them for their brick walls and stone faces. Unaware, protective of hearts that really just long to be ripped open for love to dance freely through them. I accept and love it all. I am grateful.
I reside in my own heart. I am in love, always. Thank you.
Dormant was the angel in me
Now she is raging
No longer sound asleep
But still tied up in chains
Who am I to hold her back?
When it seems she can’t be put down
No amnesia strong enough
To make it disappear
Her wings aching
Longing to be freed
The pain I cause this being
Of light so pure and bright
Kept in the dark
She longs for fresh air
Yet all I can acquire
Is the rotten scent of fear
No I didn’t mean to be so cruel
This was what I learned to do
Keep her down down
Do not awaken her soul
The sleeping beauty inside
Hold back tight
Her crown is way too bright
It will blind you
Corrupt you that’s for sure
But now I know
The lies began so long ago
Perverted was my mind
By the rulers of the frightful
And only now I see
With much more clarity
Just what was really kept from me
A vision of a tortured angel
Locked in their despair
And now my ears are bleeding
For I hear much louder how
The cries they tried to drown
Of a desolate bewildered spirit
Longs for my embrace
In such agony and pain
No I refuse to say
She sings her song in vain
Even if it scares me
I intend to cut the chains
Free at last she will be
You just wait and see.
I bleed with the full moon
As it eclipses I fall into its shadow
But in the vivid dark I see
The fallen sisters of times past
My faithful standing allies
And those yet to grieve
The river of blood that we spill
Today the moon is full
And it speaks of more than sorrow
It speaks of laughter shared
Of sisterhood braced
It tells the tale of waters dance
And preaches of flowing life
Dictating the tides of our bodies
One we grandly walk upon
Others we sensitively walk within
It sings to the rhythm of our beating chests
And I hear the gentle tapping
Of bare feet to the ground
We sway with the currents
Surrendering to our master in the sky
It tells me to bleed
And so I honor its vile wish
Yet weeping no more
For the lineage of the drained
Understanding finally why
Such was our heredity and destiny
To continuously live and die
Rinsing the present of the old
Such is the providence of our sisterhood
Powerful keepers of balance
Humble dancers of destroyers
And tender queens of rebirth
Loyal decedents of the divine
We were never fallen
Merely dancing to the everlasting flow
In and out like breaths of air
Kindred delicate warriors of this earth
Holding life within our wombs
Bleeding with the full moon
For an exaggeratedly long time now I have been afraid of being too much. I’ve been afraid of expressing all of me and not being understood, of being rejected for my truth. I wasn’t always aware of this lingering fear of mine since it came in disguise, in subtle ways making me compromise who I was, making me a more edited, cropped and censored version of myself, both physically and in character. It has made me silent when I felt the urge to speak and made me speak when I would rather just have stayed silent. It has made me feed my absorbed insecurities rather than boost my inborn self-confidence. It has made me listen to others when I should have listened to myself just as it has made me full of myself, deaf and stubborn, when I should’ve listened to others. So here is me embarking and completing the journey of stripping myself of this fear to become who I am.
One would think it seems obvious that we should all simply be who we are but the harsh reality of it is that this fear of simply being is one that persists in most of us, sometimes even all the way to the grave. This I refuse. Now that I’ve began acknowledging this fear it seems more and more irrational for me to continue putting in such immense effort in order to be less of myself. In hindsight I think it was the conscious choice to be more of myself that aggravated things and set the war in motion; the opposing forces within me made the state of things unsustainable and I was brought to some sort of breaking point. It is no wonder that I’ve been exhausted, pumped out of all energy with nothing left to do anything that does not contribute to the resolution of the inner conflict. I have been so busy draining myself of vitality that adding a single thing to my list of burdens, however light they might have seen, would have caused me to crumble. It’s not that I’m week and nor do I carry more than anyone else, quite contradictory I am strong and I refrain from carrying more than what lays within my direct span of responsibilities. It is rather, fortunately so (though it might seem unfortunate to the outsider at first glance) that circumstances have led me to evolve in such a way that I have been forced to prioritize. I have been pushed to truly and wisely pick my battles, or more accurately: pick my battle.
And so, as I have been brave enough (because most of us know it truly does take courage) to go into this most crucial of battles, the one between who I am and who am not- yet who I have tried foolishly hard to be, I am gladly seeing the dawn of a ceasefire on the horizon. I realize now that ‘who I am not’ stands little to no chance at all at winning this battle of battles because, regardless of how fearful I might have been, there seems to be little to nothing at all that can possibly stop ‘who I am’ from winning this battle of battles. ‘Who I am not’ is slowly giving in more and more willingly, beat from trying to impose itself on a pure force of nature. As it turns out, ‘who I am not’ has been waiting for me give it some sort of sign that it is allowed to give up…
They say that it isn’t the darkness within that scares us the most but really our inner light that brings us most fright. Today I know this for a fact… just as I know that fear is something to be faced. So when fear has the upper hand, making us shiver from the mere thought of moving into it, let us think of it this way: facing the significant fear of truly embracing and embodying who we are really means to face, embrace and embody a pure being of light and love. Now, how scary can that really be if we don’t even think too much about it but simply feel it? Doesn’t feel too bad does it? Yet I’ve still been (and I know I’m not the only one) scared shitless to really encounter and accept this person that I am, intrinsically good and beautiful! Why? Because in some twisted way my conditioned mind had me thinking I would be too much if I didn’t hold back.
We live in a world where almost everyone does this automatically to themselves and so we too grow to learn to do the same. We dim our light and we cover up the most raw and pure bits of our being. All this as a desperate yet understandable attempt at being loved, though ironically when we do so we tell ourselves that we are not loveable just as we are. We send signals to ourselves and others that only once we are a little less of who we are and a little more of who we are not we can maybe be loved fully. Stupid isn’t it? Yes it is stupid because it is a lie, and it is a lie I’ve been longing to bust not merely in theory but also in practice. So as I am acknowledging, embracing and growing into the fullness of me, I intend to bust this lie. I am proving to both myself and others that I am loveable just as I am- uncensored and undimmed. Belittling and distorting myself further is but an act that I am growing weary of putting on.
Suddenly, being too much doesn’t seem so scary anymore because if I can still love myself untamed and raw, I need not worry of much else. Suddenly my eyes are open to see the beauty in the pure and honest being in others as well as in myself. And following, suddenly my heart is inviting to be loved wholly by others in return. So first, I’d like to thank ‘who I am not’ for putting up such tough resistance, making the winner even more worthy than it might otherwise have been. But most of all I’d like to thank the champion of this battle of battles.
Congratulations ‘who I am’, I now surrender to you.
You have won.
I have won.