INTIMATE STRANGERS

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I felt silly at first, to think that things could have been any different. But did I really think so? Maybe I just didn’t. Maybe I’m neither surprised nor feeling like I knew what it was going to be like. Maybe I’m just not really used to this profound sense of ease. Though there is some frustration hiding somewhere. A sadness maybe…

 I feel sadness because I feel how guarded the hearts that I once touched have become. But maybe they were always so guarded and I was just to infatuate to see. I do have a habit of seeing far beyond the masque that they wear. And so sometimes I forget it’s even there. And when I wake up from my loving trance I am stunned to see such unfamiliar faces on the people that I love deeply. I get the feeling that I have been brutally thrown out, cast away like a drunk from a nightclub, and all I wanted to do was just to dance. Only, I am a drunk in love within hearts that aren’t ready. Dancing and dancing.

 Maybe it hurts because I was once that stone face with a brick wall around my heart, keeping everyone at a safe distance. I too tried to protect myself in the ways in which I knew how, and locked myself out of my own heart, my own unconditional love and stream of emotions. Pain can do that to people. I know that now.

 So when I see their faces, acting like they never rested deep within my soul and drank from my gushing love, I am reminded of my own past pain. Pain from denying all the love that was, only to be able to move forward without showing the world how you’re limping. But I know better now. It is okay to limp. It is even okay to stop and rest for a while, to let the feelings catch up to us. To dive deep into vulnerability. To be honest. And then move on stronger, maybe even without that old limp.

But most of them don’t know this. Most of them don’t even know how to stop hiding, because they’re still hiding from themselves. Today I don’t act deceivingly merely because others do. I stay true to myself, deeply connected to my own love and flowing feelings. I know better than to fear them because they are simply always passing, like a river running through me. I am not scared. I let it flow with ease. I let it go. I am honest, vulnerable and always, always in love. I forgive myself for having once been like them. I forgive them for their brick walls and stone faces. Unaware, protective of hearts that really just long to be ripped open for love to dance freely through them. I accept and love it all. I am grateful.

I reside in my own heart. I am in love, always. Thank you.

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GALACTIC FAMILY

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The sun does not compare itself to the moon

Embrace. Embrace, the ever-changing dance

We are planets, centers of gravity’s pull

Each crucial to the synchronicity of the whole

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The moon does not wish it were the earth

Every single one of us, born out of a serendipitous collision

A union of love, for the benefit of all

Part of a micro macro galactic family

Building the entirety by being, by learning

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Venus doesn’t ask to switch places with Mars

Rotating in different directions, different angles in different speed

Here to explore the endless varieties of life’s expression

There is no ideal; uniqueness is the expansion, the bliss

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Jupiter does not try to be more like Pluto

Embrace. Embrace, diversity in time and space

As above so below, as within so without

Emitting light together

A spectacular experiment, motivated by love

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Embrace. Embrace.

LOVE AT NO COST

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We think that one who loves risks all

We think so because one who loves gains all

And therefore one who loves must also loose all

But we are wildly mistaken

Not because one who loves does not gain all

But rather because one who loves can never stop

So it follows that one who loves can never loose

As once our hearts have been torn open wide

They will always remember

They will never forget the marvels they knew

They will never unlearn how to cast those spells of love

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Our minds on the other hand tell a different story

They say we must curl up and die a slow death

For they think that love is a thing that can be lost

But love cannot be lost

Love can only grow, it knows no other way

And when our eyes don’t see its branches blooming

Its roots are simply extending into the abyss

Stretching down to the depths of our being

Even as it seems winter ends a short-lived summer blossom

Love makes us steady and strong

Preparing for another season

One even merrier to come

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Love is a tenacious being

With no dawn in time nor space

As it seems to set it also rises

Within it grows no fear

Though our minds have painted it in the colors of our horrors

But when the giant bubble bursts

And we see the sphere we used to dread

Once clothed in all our terrors, now open up its merciful gates

Not at all what it appeared to be

Merely a mind made mirage of what love ought to be

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Love is really all around

Impossible to loose or even not to find

Just dare to go beyond the hurdle

And see that love is always present

But if we think we have to love at all cost

Such will be our findings

Until we learn it has no price

Love will look to be a terrible sacrifice

But since love is all, it can hardly be lost

Therefore it is simply so

That one who loves is one with all.

Oddly familiar

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The truth is I am nothing like you and exactly like you

I too think, feel and act, am unlike any other, similarly special indeed

Only, circumstances went on to create the appearance of difference

It had to be so, or else what would there truly be?

And so everything that we have in common is also what sets us apart

Isn’t it pretty, we’re all simply one and the same yet not even slightly alike

I too was born unique in this world; endlessly dancing in a sea of imperfect clones

Because that’s just what we are, and that’s just what makes us so peculiar

Some of us awake, others still buried deep in their slumber

And yet not a single one of us walks without purpose on the surface of this planet

So it is that these seemingly meaningless footsteps begin to form a pattern

Much like a coherent web of light reflecting the existence of each other

Struck by the life in  another, we are bound to the genius behind the matter

All and all just the same though somehow never monotonous or predictable

I too wonder off by my one, stumble and loose myself only to find my way back

In this strange way, out of ignorance we grow into innocence, stunned by this perfect reality.

The one to always be there, the one to become

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I am beginning to see now just what it is I have done for myself in this lifetime. I am beginning to understand the extent and the depth of the work that I have done with and on behalf of myself. I am beginning to allow for the seeds that I so bravely planted within to truly take root and to crack open the surface and begin to show. And with this I am beginning to acknowledge just how grateful I am for my own persistency, courage and unwavering faith. Sure, there have been moments when my mind has questioned just about everything and I have felt like giving up; I’m even sure there are many more of those moments to come. But at the end of the day I still have myself to thank for pulling myself through the tough stuff and believing in the good of all. I have stared myself in the eyes oscillating between feeling everything from and including intense self-loathing and good old unconditional love, but however dark things have sometimes tended to seem, I never forgot about light. And so finally I am truly beginning to see that I have really been there for myself through it all. I’m seeing that all past little versions of me have brought me safely to this moment, this magnificent moment we call the present. So, without of course neglecting the importance of the people who have always been around, I realize that I, more than anyone, am to thank for, for this precious moment. Just as much as I am to blame for all the times I have not acknowledged the geniality and beauty of life I am also to thank for all those other times when I actually did manage to open my eyes to the wonder of the world. Though blaming is of no purpose, I know that now, because even what we perceive as mistakes and all that we take on as guilt which wears us down has its reason too: to teach us lessons in unconditional love.

I understand it is rather rare and uncomfortable to see yourself as the hero of your own life and I suppose it is because people too seldom feel capable and too seldom are encouraged to essentially be the divine hero of their own life. I’m not saying we shouldn’t look for support and seek help, on the contrary we should definitely be more open to let others be there for us through thick and thin- but without faith in our own potential and without our own support to our self we are mere infants helplessly wandering this hazardous earth. So once we have physically grown beyond the stage of infancy we must slowly but surely metaphysically grow into our own loving parent, god or goddess. Without developing this inward support of the self we cannot yet embody the full magnitude of who we have the potential to become. Parents teach us about this, they are the examples of the loving parents that we are meant to develop within by showing us how to love us unconditionally. Though all parents, as they are people too, are flawed and make mistakes of their own, meaning they usually too have more to learn about the subject of unconditional loving, we must strive to become the better parent and learn from all given lessons. The better parent is the one who loves even more, not in a competitive way, but in a forgiving, brave, naked and vulnerable way. The better parent is the person who loves him/herself extensively through everything and who, thanks to this love, knows how to love all other beings and moments just the same way, and who dedicates his/her life to simply be an expression of that love. The better parent is he/she who forgives their own parents and all others just as he/she forgives himself for he/she understands that all things are merely different aspects of the same thing: the desire for love to express itself in one way or another.

 So what do I really want to say? Well, I suppose I really just want to thank my inner parent, my divinity within, for never leaving me and for helping me get back to where I can see the bigger picture, for taking care of and comforting all my inner children who were once hurt, holding their hands until they were finally ready to leave happily and allow me to continue onto the next adventure. It is not without a big bunch of humility that I bow down to my own inner being because I for one know what resistance I have many times put up. The beauty of it is that in seeing that it is this unconditionally loving being of light within me that brought me to be- I can now peacefully merge with it. With all the gratitude my heart can bear I now surrender to my own magnificence, allowing for all the love it holds to be expressed entirely and freely through me.

Because such is the human being that she isn’t only the facilitator of love- she is love manifested.

Accept this love

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Take the love I give you, I ask nothing in return

Let it heal your wounds and make you remember

Embrace this lifetime and come back to life

Awake from your slumber and look into my eyes

Yes, you always knew but I shall keep repeating

I will keep on singing until you sing along

Please do not worry for there’s nothing to fear

The damage that was done can be undone

Just take the love I give, and keep in your heart.

SAME SAME BUT DIFFERENT

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I knew that our friendship had given me a great gift but it took me a couple of years to fully understand the width and depth of what had really been given to me that year in Ada, MN. There was no doubt that the bond that had grown between us was something special but as we were reunited for the wedding of one of us we got to feel it once more, and perhaps stronger than ever before. We got to experience what it is like to rejoice in our disparities and merge like distinctively different pieces creating one chaotic yet harmonious and whole puzzle. Coming from countries all over the world there was no guarantee that we should find each other’s company to be even enjoyable but somehow we became the same in how different we were. Amongst us there had grown an acceptance of the other that allowed the physical space between us to be of little importance as we spread back out in the world and then once again were gathered in the same place where we had once met for the very first time. Many years ago now, we had all decided to leave the safety of our homes in order to face the challenges of a new country, new school and new home which would make us grow into who we truly are. Turning our backs to security and staring fear in the face we had all hopped on the same train. With courage and faith as a common denominator there was no more need to be alike. In the realization of the similarity of our journeys we needed no longer adapt to one another nor compromise ourselves in order to fit in. As unconditional love became the platform for our friendship we learned how to forgive with ease and to be true to ourselves through any circumstances. And to this day, standing on the common ground of our differences, we unite in our uniqueness. So thank you dear friends for being true friends, for being the same but in a completely unique and special way, for being irreplaceable in your distinctiveness together with me and for uniting by being you.

REBIRTH

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I have come to understand that, in most cases, some sort of rebirth must follow death. Now, I know it sounds strange but after some powerful yogic practices I experienced my own death, or rather the death of my ego. As traumatic and difficult as it may have been to detach from my former sense of identity it was most of all a big relief. I was now free from my own judgment and thus free from believing I had to be something else than the pure energy that I realized I was. At first it was strange, having to readapt and accepting that, although I might not be so aware of whom I seem to be, others still perceived me as a functioning human being and expected me to act accordingly. It took some getting used to but as I travelled around India, meeting open-minded and warm-hearted truth seekers it was no struggle for me to simply be, unbounded by old ideas of how I ought to behave. My spirit soared free, untroubled by the restraints of the body and the narrow mind. I, in the sense of a specific person with a distinct identity, was on the loose and nowhere to be found. I had spread out, enjoying the pleasure of freedom as much as I could, considering I still had a live and healthy body to return to at the end of a long day.

 

All along I was ignoring the dreaded voice reminding me of my humanity, of my true belonging in my body in this earthly life. How would I ever choose to settle back into the very mind and body that kept me prisoner for so many years, that made me believe it was all I had and all I was, the body that could feel pain and that was judged by others along with the mind that judged both itself and others… how? Well, I didn’t. Instead I fought hard to stay away. I would cry in the end of meditation only because I resisted going back into my body after having merged with the soul of the world. But something always drew me back. It was inevitable to go back. And so I figured there had to be some reason for my body, some reason for me to be thrown back into it no matter how convinced I was that I had learnt all I needed to learn in order to leave this life in peace. Confused, I consulted my very cherished yoga teacher at the time who told me to treasure the little things, appreciate the wind breeze on ones skin, the taste of good food as it touches ones tongue, the sound of birds singing, the ability to see the horizon stretch along ones field of vision.

 

I did my very best to do this, I even believed I had managed until, bluntly, I realized I had failed completely. Rather than loving the feeling of the wind upon my skin I was only able to love the wind. Rather than enjoying the experience of good food I was only enjoying the food itself. Rather than appreciating the sound of birds singing I was only appreciating the birds. Rather than relishing the ability to see the beauty of this world I only relished the beauty itself. And so, in hindsight, it is perhaps no surprise that I eventually collapsed upon returning to my hometown in Sweden. Suddenly people did not just expect me to be a person, but a very precise one. Still convinced that I would not let anything or anyone recapture me into my old self I struggled to maintain my sense of centeredness in the universe, almost forgetting the purpose of wearing this body and the estranged face that came with it. What I didn’t realize was that, since I had gladly buried away my old and ever so clingy ego without burying the whole of me, I was living in no-man’s-land. I was a drifting soul refusing to re-identify with itself materially, hindering the embodiment of the wisdom that it had gained access to along its travels.

The mind had grasped it but the body was still being deprived from its own possibilities. In fact the body was feeling quite left out and made it clear to me that it needed my attention. After an injury in the neck, the part of the body that just happens to be connecting the mind and the body, I have now been forced to lie still for quite some time, which as you can imagine has led to a fair share of contemplation. It slowly became evident to me that after having metaphysically died that one time in India, I never really made the choice to live again. It seemed unlike me to not want to live but I actually found myself whishing that my bodily life would soon come to an end as well. Even as I am writing it is hard to remember and cherish the joys of earthly life compared to the peacefulness of escaping the self. I didn’t foresee that I would have a choice in the matter and I especially did not predict it being so hard. Yet here I am, faced with the epic question “to be or not to be?” and I seem unable to make up my mind.

 

But then I receive a flash from the future, a mild hissing from a distant breeze, that I have tasks yet to be undertaken, that I have love yet to be shared and wisdom yet to be unfolded. I see that this body, no matter how ungratefully treated in the past, wants to live on in order to carry through all that it was meant to. Life does not frighten me and however much pain I will come to suffer through this body and this mind I will not escape. I will not give up. And because my old ego stands in the way of nothing I will live this life to the fullest, with no restraints and restrictions, as long as my body allows it. I will remain in touch with the world of no limits while never losing sight of who I am in the world of limits. I will continue believing in miracles by being the one miracle that was given to me, my body. I will feel all the feelings that might arise in it fully, always knowing that there is a space beyond it, a sanctuary where these feelings can drizzle out and help me heal. I choose this life. I choose this body. I am willing.

 

I hereby declare myself reborn.

BLACK HOLES

BLACK HOLES

We all contain the same infinity,
All different in how we embody it.
Small ones in our eyes,
Big ones in space,
Black holes of magic.
Infinities within worlds of limits,
Limits within an endless world.
If we only dare to look and see,
In darkness they grow.
Boundaries fade and all merges,
So they see their own true light.
Countless stars in the mirror,
Surrounded by a vast night.
We shine the brightest in the dark.
So lets not be frightened,
To search for light in black holes,
To look into each others eyes,
To finally see,
Beyond the confines,
Away from “you” and “me”,
The boundless unity.
The infinity explodes, expands,
Again and again.
When all darkness is uncovered,
Finally we will rest,
Forever embraced in cosmic light.

THE DANGER, YOU & ME

 

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I believe that one of the biggest threats to the survival of humanity and life on earth in general lies in each individual’s undermining of herself and her capability of good. By avoiding the realization of our own potential impact on the world we escape from all responsibility to right the wrongs that we as humans have done and keep on doing even today. As long as we live in the illusion of being incomplete, insignificant, separate beings we unconsciously fuel the polluting mechanism that we ourselves have created in order to somehow fill the emptiness within us to avoid feeling petty and useless (which ironically leads us to feel even more petty and useless). Because we are taught from the very beginning that we need to acquire certain external skills and possessions in order to be complete, without being told at what point in time or space these possession will actually instigate this completion of the self, we continue in a hopeless never ending hunt for exterior wealth, for excess material properties, fame, popularity, reputation etc. Sadly none of that relates to our original self-worth. When following the traditional western philosophy of life and trying to meet the expectations of our fellow sickened people we too become sick and thus keep on contributing to a sicker world.

 

Instead we should follow the instinct that is rooted deep inside of our hearts that intrinsically excludes the notion of us being egotistic separate beings and instead implies that we are endless loving unities part of a bigger whole that serves a bigger purpose than the one to fulfill our shallow wants and desires.

 

This concept isn’t very new but I think that there is a topical opportunity in our present time for a new understanding of it since we are now more than ever able to be the witnesses of our own destruction. It is now that the matter is pressing and it is now that we know what a hazard we are to our own existence. If that is not enough for us to awaken and realize our power to affect the world in an equally positive way as we have been affecting it in a negative way for the past decades, then maybe we deserve the consequences that we are and will be facing. But hopefully, as enough people step up to their inner potential rather than listening to their damaging egotistic needs, we will become a cooperating mass movement going against the already instituted polluting mechanism that is still in rolling, and eventually we’ll reverse it. For this to happen we can no longer suppose that we as individuals are not enough, that we are just one unimportant person without any real power to change anything. We need to rid ourselves from that conviction promptly for the sake of all of us and instead recognize the immensity of our potential to save the planet one by one, all together.

 

If you think you are insignificant, try sleeping with a mosquito in your room.