I know who I am now. I am a force beyond the thinkable. I am an old soul on my way home after a long journey. Coming home is always bittersweet. It is hard but so very beautiful too. I have been wandering for a long time now and even though this might not be precisely the last of my destinations I can sense this voyage is coming to an end some time soon and I am coming home. It is with immense gratefulness that I look back upon my journey, even though I’m not quite sure exactly where I have been. What matters most is where I am right now and this, this is a good place and all I know is that I have my past to thank for this moment. Regarding the future, I have no more worries. I have come this far and I trust that life won’t give up on me until all my duties are fulfilled on this earth. It is a dark place many times but I am determined to shed as much of my light as I possibly can to help guide my fellow humans on their wearying travels throughout life. I have no choice but to believe it is possible because it was possible for me. I’ve been spinning in a wheel of despair only to find a little hope to bring me out of the shadows of my own existence. I have been thrown into the same miserable maze time after time only to get a little closer to the end each and every time. Life doesn’t give up on us- that is one thing I know. We always get another chance, even if it’s in a new mind and body or simply the same after a good night sleep. Heck, every second is a second chance. So if we are brave enough to set sail and just hang in there, if we never give up, we will come home. It is important to remember that the journey is a blessing even if it’s tiresome. And it is also important not to get lost on the journey by loosing faith but to trust that we are in fact always on our way home and that home is an even higher blessing. Now know this: we can never really come home if we’ve never been away.
I knew that our friendship had given me a great gift but it took me a couple of years to fully understand the width and depth of what had really been given to me that year in Ada, MN. There was no doubt that the bond that had grown between us was something special but as we were reunited for the wedding of one of us we got to feel it once more, and perhaps stronger than ever before. We got to experience what it is like to rejoice in our disparities and merge like distinctively different pieces creating one chaotic yet harmonious and whole puzzle. Coming from countries all over the world there was no guarantee that we should find each other’s company to be even enjoyable but somehow we became the same in how different we were. Amongst us there had grown an acceptance of the other that allowed the physical space between us to be of little importance as we spread back out in the world and then once again were gathered in the same place where we had once met for the very first time. Many years ago now, we had all decided to leave the safety of our homes in order to face the challenges of a new country, new school and new home which would make us grow into who we truly are. Turning our backs to security and staring fear in the face we had all hopped on the same train. With courage and faith as a common denominator there was no more need to be alike. In the realization of the similarity of our journeys we needed no longer adapt to one another nor compromise ourselves in order to fit in. As unconditional love became the platform for our friendship we learned how to forgive with ease and to be true to ourselves through any circumstances. And to this day, standing on the common ground of our differences, we unite in our uniqueness. So thank you dear friends for being true friends, for being the same but in a completely unique and special way, for being irreplaceable in your distinctiveness together with me and for uniting by being you.
You ask me questions but I have learned they are yours and not mine; therefor I need not to answer them as you wish them to be answered.
I will not tell you the lies you hoped for but in their place I will respectfully hand you the answers that reveal my truth.
I tell you this not with certainty but with courage, not with pride but with humility, and not with vanity but with love.
So if you shall ask, now you know.
I vow to live my life like a river,
Always flowing, untamed and reckless,
Always spreading wide and deep yet contained,
Always in motion never dusty, old and stagnant.
I vow to spring and to debouch,
To water and erode,
To always find my way,
To sing loudly and whisper in silence,
To feed and to be fed,
To bend and never break,
To destroy and to renew,
To descend from the highest highs,
To lead to the most vast of depths,
I vow to be full of life.