Going Back

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Going Back

From the surface to the depth

From the periphery to the center

From the future to the now

From the complex to the simple

From the illusion to the real

That is my path, whoever I am, whatever I do and wherever I go.

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HARBORING A HEART

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Like a queen who bears her crown I bear my heart. I have been granted this heart and it will be my lifelong duty to serve it. It rests heavy in my chest for me to shelter but never to trap. I am not its cage but rather its dutiful servant and safe harbor. I am its peaceful warrior on a mission to fulfill its quiet wish.

If it wasn’t for my heart I would not live nor could the heart live without me. We are bound to each other for as long as we are bound to this life. As companions on this earth we will dance, and as it leads I will follow. Like a compass in my hand it gives me direction where to go. And if it ever were to break it will be because I lost it, I let it down or gave it away. My heart will and shall always belong to me, because it is through me that it is capable of love.

As if I din’t know better

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As if I didn’t know better

I play along

I sing their song

But deep inside of me

There’s the way I want to be

The way I am

Like the pearl within the clam

A long road ahead

The one we walk until we’re dead

That moment when we know

That all that is for show

Has no further purpose

If you never go beyond the surface

As if I didn’t know better

I repeat their mistakes

I raise the stakes

And more gets lost

Because love is the cost

A heart made of ice

Is an expensive sacrifice

So I turn back around

And put my feet on the ground

One foot at a time

I take back my crime

Only to find

The greatness left behind

As if I didn’t know better

I play the game

Pretending its all for fame

I join the fools

And play by their rules

But once all of that is gone

And all mistakes have been done

I throw away the trophies on the shelf

And retrieve back into myself

Where it safe for me to be

And from my eyes I can now see

That true dreams don’t shatter

And false ones don’t matter

If I wasn’t fearful

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If I wasn’t fearful I wouldn’t be who I am. If I wasn’t fearful I would not be as brave, as wise and as vulnerable as I am because I wouldn’t know what fears to challenge, what lessons to learn and what battles to fight. If I wasn’t fearful I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t grow as strong as I am.

It is because I am blessed with the sensation of fear that I know where to go- straight into the daunting fire. I know precisely what I have to do to mature and evolve to continue becoming who I truly am. Thanks to the fact that I am fearful I can be bold, I can be sensitive and I can prove my fears wrong. I can be me- the truest and most beautiful version possible.

So I chose to be grateful for fear. I thank my fear for making me both humble and courageous. I thank my fear for being tenacious, for not backing down and giving in even as I tried incessantly to push it away. Because if it hadn’t been for fear I would have never known to take those leaps of faith that scared me to death but that brought me the closest to life. I thank my fear for showing itself to me being both terrifying yet ever so helpful in my journey in this life. I thank fear for showing me its ugly face in order to make me see what’s beautiful.

Thank you fear, I will do my very best not to look away.

a journey

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Take a deep breath and imagine how all of your thoughts pour out through your exhalation. Picture yourself with a clear mind, no clutter, just harmony. Now let that harmony spread throughout your body, from head to toe. Then let the atoms of your body slowly part from each other and imagine how they dissolve into thin air. You are no longer you but what is left of you is only little scattered cells that have joined in with other particles of this world. One tiny part of you becomes a grain of sand on a beach by the Caribbean ocean, another part becomes a snowflake slowly falling towards the icy ground of the Antarctic and another becomes a distant star in a different galaxy that the old you didn’t even knew existed.

There are little bits of you scattered around the universe and you become aware of them all. You can feel everything from the breeze in the Sahara desert while the sun is setting to the earth cracking open where a volcano is about to erupt. You can feel everything at once, right in this moment. You can feel it all without disrupting the harmony because your mind has dispersed and can no longer interrupt by translating those feelings into language and codes of interpretation and judgment. You realize with this sensation that no matter what, everything is as it is and little by little this starts to amaze you. All those little parts that once were your body are now becoming aware of themselves and are beginning to understand the beauty in the simple fact that they exist in this whole system of particles. It’s as if all those particles now have gotten eyes of their own and yet they don’t ask any questions. All they can feel is gratitude. They feel gratitude because they cannot understand everything through reasoning but they can understand it simply through being. You recognize the sensation; it’s almost like love.

Now let all those particles join back together, build you back up and shift your attention to the wholeness of your body again. Let your body remember the journey of every single cell and every atom but acknowledge that they are in fact now part of you. What can they teach you? How are you different from them? Who are you?

Mother Culture speaking

 

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“You don’t belong here dear child, perhaps in another world but not in this one for sure. It’s dangerous, you know, to say those things you say. It could make things change. It could make people feel; now you wouldn’t want that would you? It would be such a shame if people started believing in you, because you know why? You would get all worked up for nothing and they… they would be too confused. Now darling spare them and yourself the embarrassment. Don’t stir up the pot when everything is so nice and settled, just the way it has been for so long. Nothing needs to change really. Ask Mother History too; she’d be so upset if she couldn’t go on repeating herself. So you can go back to where you came from and please leave the halo wherever that is. I mean for your own sake of course; it’s just not that fashionable here. Oh and tell your Mother Nature I said hi, tell her she’ll recover some day, just not as long as I am calling the shots around here.”