BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

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This time nigh time dreams won’t have me. I was expecting them and perhaps that was my mistake. But something else is keeping me awake and restless. There is a wild being caged inside my chest and as much as I’d like to claim nothing really scares me anymore, the intensity of what seems to be roaring within is greater than I seem able to handle right now. I’m not one to give into fear so easily though. I am the curious typ. A wild woman. Whatever that is. I burn and I ache. But it’s all good. That’s how I shed my skin. That’s how I spread my light. So who’s trying to tame me? Why do I have a string feeling I am being domesticated by myself? In me: a pretty tamer and a beast, all at once and me.

The moon called me out tonight, brought me back out of my sleepless bed. It had so much to say to me and I was afraid to listen. The tamer, that worried little thing, was afraid to listen. The beast on the other hand, gave away a deafening weep. No wonder there was fear. The moon spoke of death and blood. Of birth. Of life untamed. Of the raw. The ugly and it’s dirty beauty. And a part of me has been rejecting it for so long. And still is. Half heartedly though. I’ve been neglecting this fight and it was about time it was brought to surface.

 They say the old ways don’t work on this new rising earth, but what does that really mean? I know what it means but I would like to know how it applies to me. To this. But then again no. That’s what I fear. The tamers voice inside of me is still pleading. “Please let me be! Let me just go on unnoticed as I always have.” I am confused. Who am I to sympathise with here? Such a petty thing it would seem. But it doesn’t feel that way at all. Of how it pains me, cuts me deep. I am not afraid of others. I am afraid of myself. Of the beast inside. I hear the judging demon, terrified of the wilderness of my untamed being. “Be cultured! Civilized. Pretty.” It tells me.

But the poor wild beast can’t possibly be all those things. The wild beast is wild. It is not meant to be all those things it is forced to be. How could I ever take sides? How am I to make a decision that seems so devastating to all parts? I know this can’t go on much longer. I must forgive myself for keeping this battle alive thus far already. I keep pushing the limits. How far can I go without having to choose? Can I keep the beast locked up for just a little while longer? No. It doesn’t seem fair. It hurts too much. But the tamer shivers with fear at the very thought of unlocking it’s cage. But I must set it free.

Dear beast, you are not like them. Pretty and domesticated. You are fury and wild. Perfectly ugly and beautiful all at once. Oh what a crazy thing to be doing. To unleash this beast. But perhaps crazier to keep you on a leash. Force of nature. Star of the wild. You too deserve my love. You have kept me sane. Where will you go now that I set you free?

Dear tamer, I hear your questions and your warnings. You predict the worst. You always have. And I understand I really do. But it doesn’t have to be so. There could be relief. The beast is no longer your burden to worry about. You have been conditioned. Terribly so. You heard them say what had to be done to gain their approval. But we no longer seek their approval. You have my love as well. And that’s all you’ll ever need. I assure you. Your work is done and you’ve done it well. I love no matter what. I really do.

Dear beauty and the beast. I love you. Both.

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GALACTIC FAMILY

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The sun does not compare itself to the moon

Embrace. Embrace, the ever-changing dance

We are planets, centers of gravity’s pull

Each crucial to the synchronicity of the whole

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The moon does not wish it were the earth

Every single one of us, born out of a serendipitous collision

A union of love, for the benefit of all

Part of a micro macro galactic family

Building the entirety by being, by learning

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Venus doesn’t ask to switch places with Mars

Rotating in different directions, different angles in different speed

Here to explore the endless varieties of life’s expression

There is no ideal; uniqueness is the expansion, the bliss

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Jupiter does not try to be more like Pluto

Embrace. Embrace, diversity in time and space

As above so below, as within so without

Emitting light together

A spectacular experiment, motivated by love

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Embrace. Embrace.

AN EPIC BATTLE

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For an exaggeratedly long time now I have been afraid of being too much. I’ve been afraid of expressing all of me and not being understood, of being rejected for my truth. I wasn’t always aware of this lingering fear of mine since it came in disguise, in subtle ways making me compromise who I was, making me a more edited, cropped and censored version of myself, both physically and in character. It has made me silent when I felt the urge to speak and made me speak when I would rather just have stayed silent. It has made me feed my absorbed insecurities rather than boost my inborn self-confidence. It has made me listen to others when I should have listened to myself just as it has made me full of myself, deaf and stubborn, when I should’ve listened to others. So here is me embarking and completing the journey of stripping myself of this fear to become who I am.

One would think it seems obvious that we should all simply be who we are but the harsh reality of it is that this fear of simply being is one that persists in most of us, sometimes even all the way to the grave. This I refuse. Now that I’ve began acknowledging this fear it seems more and more irrational for me to continue putting in such immense effort in order to be less of myself. In hindsight I think it was the conscious choice to be more of myself that aggravated things and set the war in motion; the opposing forces within me made the state of things unsustainable and I was brought to some sort of breaking point. It is no wonder that I’ve been exhausted, pumped out of all energy with nothing left to do anything that does not contribute to the resolution of the inner conflict. I have been so busy draining myself of vitality that adding a single thing to my list of burdens, however light they might have seen, would have caused me to crumble. It’s not that I’m week and nor do I carry more than anyone else, quite contradictory I am strong and I refrain from carrying more than what lays within my direct span of responsibilities. It is rather, fortunately so (though it might seem unfortunate to the outsider at first glance) that circumstances have led me to evolve in such a way that I have been forced to prioritize. I have been pushed to truly and wisely pick my battles, or more accurately: pick my battle.

 And so, as I have been brave enough (because most of us know it truly does take courage) to go into this most crucial of battles, the one between who I am and who am not- yet who I have tried foolishly hard to be, I am gladly seeing the dawn of a ceasefire on the horizon. I realize now that ‘who I am not’ stands little to no chance at all at winning this battle of battles because, regardless of how fearful I might have been, there seems to be little to nothing at all that can possibly stop ‘who I am’ from winning this battle of battles. ‘Who I am not’ is slowly giving in more and more willingly, beat from trying to impose itself on a pure force of nature. As it turns out, ‘who I am not’ has been waiting for me give it some sort of sign that it is allowed to give up…

They say that it isn’t the darkness within that scares us the most but really our inner light that brings us most fright. Today I know this for a fact… just as I know that fear is something to be faced. So when fear has the upper hand, making us shiver from the mere thought of moving into it, let us think of it this way: facing the significant fear of truly embracing and embodying who we are really means to face, embrace and embody a pure being of light and love. Now, how scary can that really be if we don’t even think too much about it but simply feel it? Doesn’t feel too bad does it? Yet I’ve still been (and I know I’m not the only one) scared shitless to really encounter and accept this person that I am, intrinsically good and beautiful! Why? Because in some twisted way my conditioned mind had me thinking I would be too much if I didn’t hold back.

We live in a world where almost everyone does this automatically to themselves and so we too grow to learn to do the same. We dim our light and we cover up the most raw and pure bits of our being. All this as a desperate yet understandable attempt at being loved, though ironically when we do so we tell ourselves that we are not loveable just as we are. We send signals to ourselves and others that only once we are a little less of who we are and a little more of who we are not we can maybe be loved fully. Stupid isn’t it? Yes it is stupid because it is a lie, and it is a lie I’ve been longing to bust not merely in theory but also in practice. So as I am acknowledging, embracing and growing into the fullness of me, I intend to bust this lie. I am proving to both myself and others that I am loveable just as I am- uncensored and undimmed. Belittling and distorting myself further is but an act that I am growing weary of putting on.

 Suddenly, being too much doesn’t seem so scary anymore because if I can still love myself untamed and raw, I need not worry of much else. Suddenly my eyes are open to see the beauty in the pure and honest being in others as well as in myself. And following, suddenly my heart is inviting to be loved wholly by others in return. So first, I’d like to thank ‘who I am not’ for putting up such tough resistance, making the winner even more worthy than it might otherwise have been. But most of all I’d like to thank the champion of this battle of battles.

Congratulations ‘who I am’, I now surrender to you.

 You have won.

I have won. 

Oddly familiar

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The truth is I am nothing like you and exactly like you

I too think, feel and act, am unlike any other, similarly special indeed

Only, circumstances went on to create the appearance of difference

It had to be so, or else what would there truly be?

And so everything that we have in common is also what sets us apart

Isn’t it pretty, we’re all simply one and the same yet not even slightly alike

I too was born unique in this world; endlessly dancing in a sea of imperfect clones

Because that’s just what we are, and that’s just what makes us so peculiar

Some of us awake, others still buried deep in their slumber

And yet not a single one of us walks without purpose on the surface of this planet

So it is that these seemingly meaningless footsteps begin to form a pattern

Much like a coherent web of light reflecting the existence of each other

Struck by the life in  another, we are bound to the genius behind the matter

All and all just the same though somehow never monotonous or predictable

I too wonder off by my one, stumble and loose myself only to find my way back

In this strange way, out of ignorance we grow into innocence, stunned by this perfect reality.

The one to always be there, the one to become

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I am beginning to see now just what it is I have done for myself in this lifetime. I am beginning to understand the extent and the depth of the work that I have done with and on behalf of myself. I am beginning to allow for the seeds that I so bravely planted within to truly take root and to crack open the surface and begin to show. And with this I am beginning to acknowledge just how grateful I am for my own persistency, courage and unwavering faith. Sure, there have been moments when my mind has questioned just about everything and I have felt like giving up; I’m even sure there are many more of those moments to come. But at the end of the day I still have myself to thank for pulling myself through the tough stuff and believing in the good of all. I have stared myself in the eyes oscillating between feeling everything from and including intense self-loathing and good old unconditional love, but however dark things have sometimes tended to seem, I never forgot about light. And so finally I am truly beginning to see that I have really been there for myself through it all. I’m seeing that all past little versions of me have brought me safely to this moment, this magnificent moment we call the present. So, without of course neglecting the importance of the people who have always been around, I realize that I, more than anyone, am to thank for, for this precious moment. Just as much as I am to blame for all the times I have not acknowledged the geniality and beauty of life I am also to thank for all those other times when I actually did manage to open my eyes to the wonder of the world. Though blaming is of no purpose, I know that now, because even what we perceive as mistakes and all that we take on as guilt which wears us down has its reason too: to teach us lessons in unconditional love.

I understand it is rather rare and uncomfortable to see yourself as the hero of your own life and I suppose it is because people too seldom feel capable and too seldom are encouraged to essentially be the divine hero of their own life. I’m not saying we shouldn’t look for support and seek help, on the contrary we should definitely be more open to let others be there for us through thick and thin- but without faith in our own potential and without our own support to our self we are mere infants helplessly wandering this hazardous earth. So once we have physically grown beyond the stage of infancy we must slowly but surely metaphysically grow into our own loving parent, god or goddess. Without developing this inward support of the self we cannot yet embody the full magnitude of who we have the potential to become. Parents teach us about this, they are the examples of the loving parents that we are meant to develop within by showing us how to love us unconditionally. Though all parents, as they are people too, are flawed and make mistakes of their own, meaning they usually too have more to learn about the subject of unconditional loving, we must strive to become the better parent and learn from all given lessons. The better parent is the one who loves even more, not in a competitive way, but in a forgiving, brave, naked and vulnerable way. The better parent is the person who loves him/herself extensively through everything and who, thanks to this love, knows how to love all other beings and moments just the same way, and who dedicates his/her life to simply be an expression of that love. The better parent is he/she who forgives their own parents and all others just as he/she forgives himself for he/she understands that all things are merely different aspects of the same thing: the desire for love to express itself in one way or another.

 So what do I really want to say? Well, I suppose I really just want to thank my inner parent, my divinity within, for never leaving me and for helping me get back to where I can see the bigger picture, for taking care of and comforting all my inner children who were once hurt, holding their hands until they were finally ready to leave happily and allow me to continue onto the next adventure. It is not without a big bunch of humility that I bow down to my own inner being because I for one know what resistance I have many times put up. The beauty of it is that in seeing that it is this unconditionally loving being of light within me that brought me to be- I can now peacefully merge with it. With all the gratitude my heart can bear I now surrender to my own magnificence, allowing for all the love it holds to be expressed entirely and freely through me.

Because such is the human being that she isn’t only the facilitator of love- she is love manifested.

Going Back

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Going Back

From the surface to the depth

From the periphery to the center

From the future to the now

From the complex to the simple

From the illusion to the real

That is my path, whoever I am, whatever I do and wherever I go.

REBIRTH

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I have come to understand that, in most cases, some sort of rebirth must follow death. Now, I know it sounds strange but after some powerful yogic practices I experienced my own death, or rather the death of my ego. As traumatic and difficult as it may have been to detach from my former sense of identity it was most of all a big relief. I was now free from my own judgment and thus free from believing I had to be something else than the pure energy that I realized I was. At first it was strange, having to readapt and accepting that, although I might not be so aware of whom I seem to be, others still perceived me as a functioning human being and expected me to act accordingly. It took some getting used to but as I travelled around India, meeting open-minded and warm-hearted truth seekers it was no struggle for me to simply be, unbounded by old ideas of how I ought to behave. My spirit soared free, untroubled by the restraints of the body and the narrow mind. I, in the sense of a specific person with a distinct identity, was on the loose and nowhere to be found. I had spread out, enjoying the pleasure of freedom as much as I could, considering I still had a live and healthy body to return to at the end of a long day.

 

All along I was ignoring the dreaded voice reminding me of my humanity, of my true belonging in my body in this earthly life. How would I ever choose to settle back into the very mind and body that kept me prisoner for so many years, that made me believe it was all I had and all I was, the body that could feel pain and that was judged by others along with the mind that judged both itself and others… how? Well, I didn’t. Instead I fought hard to stay away. I would cry in the end of meditation only because I resisted going back into my body after having merged with the soul of the world. But something always drew me back. It was inevitable to go back. And so I figured there had to be some reason for my body, some reason for me to be thrown back into it no matter how convinced I was that I had learnt all I needed to learn in order to leave this life in peace. Confused, I consulted my very cherished yoga teacher at the time who told me to treasure the little things, appreciate the wind breeze on ones skin, the taste of good food as it touches ones tongue, the sound of birds singing, the ability to see the horizon stretch along ones field of vision.

 

I did my very best to do this, I even believed I had managed until, bluntly, I realized I had failed completely. Rather than loving the feeling of the wind upon my skin I was only able to love the wind. Rather than enjoying the experience of good food I was only enjoying the food itself. Rather than appreciating the sound of birds singing I was only appreciating the birds. Rather than relishing the ability to see the beauty of this world I only relished the beauty itself. And so, in hindsight, it is perhaps no surprise that I eventually collapsed upon returning to my hometown in Sweden. Suddenly people did not just expect me to be a person, but a very precise one. Still convinced that I would not let anything or anyone recapture me into my old self I struggled to maintain my sense of centeredness in the universe, almost forgetting the purpose of wearing this body and the estranged face that came with it. What I didn’t realize was that, since I had gladly buried away my old and ever so clingy ego without burying the whole of me, I was living in no-man’s-land. I was a drifting soul refusing to re-identify with itself materially, hindering the embodiment of the wisdom that it had gained access to along its travels.

The mind had grasped it but the body was still being deprived from its own possibilities. In fact the body was feeling quite left out and made it clear to me that it needed my attention. After an injury in the neck, the part of the body that just happens to be connecting the mind and the body, I have now been forced to lie still for quite some time, which as you can imagine has led to a fair share of contemplation. It slowly became evident to me that after having metaphysically died that one time in India, I never really made the choice to live again. It seemed unlike me to not want to live but I actually found myself whishing that my bodily life would soon come to an end as well. Even as I am writing it is hard to remember and cherish the joys of earthly life compared to the peacefulness of escaping the self. I didn’t foresee that I would have a choice in the matter and I especially did not predict it being so hard. Yet here I am, faced with the epic question “to be or not to be?” and I seem unable to make up my mind.

 

But then I receive a flash from the future, a mild hissing from a distant breeze, that I have tasks yet to be undertaken, that I have love yet to be shared and wisdom yet to be unfolded. I see that this body, no matter how ungratefully treated in the past, wants to live on in order to carry through all that it was meant to. Life does not frighten me and however much pain I will come to suffer through this body and this mind I will not escape. I will not give up. And because my old ego stands in the way of nothing I will live this life to the fullest, with no restraints and restrictions, as long as my body allows it. I will remain in touch with the world of no limits while never losing sight of who I am in the world of limits. I will continue believing in miracles by being the one miracle that was given to me, my body. I will feel all the feelings that might arise in it fully, always knowing that there is a space beyond it, a sanctuary where these feelings can drizzle out and help me heal. I choose this life. I choose this body. I am willing.

 

I hereby declare myself reborn.