Download

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Are you feeling it too? The download. Cause that’s really what it is isn’t it? It’s a time to come face to face with the programs and belief systems that have been running the show. We have to slow everything down, become aware so that we may open up and create enough space to get a glimpse of the upgrades and when we’re ready- ignite the download. And how to know we’re ready? We just know don’t we. It’s a deep knowing. Like somewhere in that back of the mind there was always the vision of this day coming and we’ve been preparing for it for so long that there just ain’t no such thing as backing down. Not because it’s do or die but because it all just is. And it’s more about accepting rather than making it happen. I know, it’s exhausting me too. And if you’re reading this and you know what I’m talking about then congratulations. Not because it’s challenging and all that but congratulations on getting to this point. It is a milestone even though it may not look like much right now. As with most things, we don’t realise the grandeur of it until it has past. And this might just be one of those things. It is one of those things.

Now there’s a voice inside of you just like mine that says all these things. The interesting thing is it never stops yet we don’t always hear it. Why is that? Blockages. So here’s to facing the blockages to let the stream back in. The stream of consciousness. The flow of love. The voice of the soul. That shit never gets old. It’s always updated with the latest news. It doesn’t lie. It doesn’t know how to. If it sounds like a bunch of gibberish it’s most likely because we’re carrying around a lot of judgement, fear and other kinds of conditions from the past. And that’s all fine cause that’s really what we’re here for. To clear that. To heal. To uncover truth bit by bit. We can’t just blow all the covers all at once, that would be no fun would it. It’s like a good story. There needs to be a build up. Small subliminal messages along the path. Clues. Signs. You start guessing, assuming, doubting, then you know, then you know that you know. And so on. It’s really much like a game. Anyways it’s not a curse, contrary to common beliefs. It is in fact the way we have chosen it to be. And by “we” I really mean “I” as in the one consciousness, God, the beingness itself or whatever we choose to call it. Anyways why choose a name for it. All of our names, words and labels are just synonyms, reflections of IT as well as IT.

Right, what I’m saying is- clear the channel. Let the voice be heard. Listen to it. Notice if you drown it out and then allow that behaviour that causes it to be drowned out to be let go of. Replace it by more presence. Presence is everything. So as often as you can. Come back to yourself. Forget what that means in terms of the future, and allow it to be what it is right now. There’s no right or wrong. What you’re experiencing is valid. Don’t look for external validation. It will most definitely come to you as soon as you start validating yourself. Realising that you are one with source and that your messages are invaluable pieces of God that are worthy of your attention and love. Basically, YOU are worthy of your own attention and love. That being said, there is no rush. There is no need to panic. One deep breath is sometimes enough to come back. To be present again. So do that and see what happens. Let the present unfold and be happy about it. Don’t judge, don’t assume the consequences, don’t be afraid. But if you must fear and judge and all that, then be aware. Watch it happen and know it’s okay. Remember, the voice inside, the spirit, is unbreakable. It is the rest that will shatter and collapse upon itself. And while it does. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others and most of all love. Love yourself a little more with every breath. Try it. There’s absolutely nothing to loose. And so, so much to win.

Today is one of those days. A day you’ll remember for the rest of your life. You might as well be here to experience it. LOVE -A

Being Ready

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How do we know? Are we ever really ready? Or are we always as ready as we’ll ever be? I guess the right time is always the very time it happens. But is there a way to know? A way to predict? Or would things just be too easy then? I’m not certain. But something tells me it’s different this time. Something tells me I am ready. I don’t know what it is. But even though  I’m afraid to really believe it this time around, I feel I have little choice. What else can I do, than to act according to what it feels like right now? I can remain passive, sure. But I’ll be unsettled. I’ll always have that voice in my head. But then again, I fear no matter what the choice is, the voice will remain. There will always be that ‘what if?’. But maybe not. Maybe this is what I’m learning to let go of. What if. What if? There’s no such thing. Present moment. Present moment. Always back to present moment. And now. In this moment, everything feels just right. Who am I to deny this? Who am I to look for the fault in the way things are? Who am I to doubt myself? Who am I to question the things I do for myself and the process I’ve dove into in this journey?

I’ve been pondering the difference between being moved by free will versus by the mere necessity of the situation and I think I’ve come to understand that there is little difference. If the circumstances call us to act in a certain way it is also based on some sort of choice whether conscious or not. Equally, even if we feel completely free in our choices, whatever we choose is always going to be the only thing we were truly capable of doing in that very moment. This is why we cannot be blamed for anything yet we are always responsible for everything. It is a gentle yet a tough truth that we deal with every second of our existence. Now, am I ready? Yes and no, no and yes. As ready as i choose, as ready as I’m destined. I’m always ready. Always ready. That is my truth. Over and out.

Big Time

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What happened? Life took an unexpected turn and suddenly it seems everything has changed, even I. More or less drastically and quite dramatically. How do I even begin to account for the past six months of my life? I don’t know. I know it’s been messy, and the amount of details that I’ve withheld from my dear ones is far greater than they can even imagine.
I have not killed anyone, neither have I killed myself. It seems I am still very much alive, heart beating, joints slightly aching and mind spiraling. Yes, for those whom have wondered, I am alive. And the truth is, as I seem to dance more and more intimately with death, I am starting to grasp more and more that there is no such thing. I’ve philosophized about the theoretically improbability of there being such an ending to something that is infinite in nature but I see that I must look closer if I am truly to understand the significance of my own theories and ideas. So from a traditional perspective of life, where death seems very much like the tragedy that eventually ends everything that is “I”, which is bound to happen to all, I have certainly come near this phenomena called death. Now what do I know about it? Still not much, because it seems it is a black hole that ceaselessly absorbs as well as it emanates light from which the lessons of what we call life are endless.
I realize I have only just begun venturing on what some perceive as the edge of our existence. Why the word perceive? Because existence, as I have understood it, has no edges, no boundaries, no limitations. And so, me- as an entity made of this very same boundless energy that constitutes the entire universe, am equally boundless. Again, this will make me seem like a daredevil, sometimes even crazy, because it does’t always follow the constricting ideas of societies rules on how we ought to live our lives. But see the idea that we must be controlled in our movement, restricted in our freedom, governed by another, is, I suggest, simply an expression of our own collective and individual fear of being fully responsible for the vessels we inhabit and the courses of actions we might take to create various series of consequences in the world. If we truly realized we are free in every sense of the word, it would imply that we can do anything. And that in itself leaves me rather speechless. What else do I really have to say? Personally, the thought of it does frighten me, as well as it excites me from the core for it resonates with a sense of truth that few things heard in any media nowadays.
I’ve asked myself why I’ve been unable to share my experiences more widely as I go, since I used to be able to do that. But this time has been different. I had to truly immerse myself, and be the experiences that I’ve had. It’d be different, if I turned to others to help me explain every other thing I go through. I had to just dive deep. Feel it all without understanding too much. I had to surrender to faith, which hasn’t always been easy. But this is certainly what I’m learning. Faith is a key to unlock many doors. Now that I feel I hold this key relatively safe in my hands, I am able to write again, and maybe eventually share this most powerful of experience.
I have a feeling that I am experimenting with freedom. As if I am running across the perceived borders of what reality is in order to push them farther and farther and eventually transcend the idea of them even existing. I feel as if I am sailing across what people tell me is a flat planet where my boat should be bound to tip across the edge at one point or another. But faith, is granting me the courage to keep on going. Because deep down I know very well I won’t fall off the surface of the earth. And so I keep going, with a strange feeling that I don’t really have a choice. Because the rationality of choice itself would render me to act completely different, yet I understand that these choices I make, spring from deeper or even more ascended place of myself. It is as if, the mind that I previously thought myself to be ruled by and that I honestly thought I ruled myself with, is being outplayed by a higher version of myself which has yet to be fully uncovered by this less advanced mind that I still use to navigate around in this world. Therefore, when I am asked to justify my actions- I struggle. For I deeply feel I am still in a state not too unlike limbo, where the conscious and the subconscious are not fully merged and the one is still trying to understand and shed light onto the other.
Also, I am beginning to understand more wholly that this is the whole point of things. The process of having these overlap and become one, is just what we call life. And my wild guess is that, once they are fully reunited, they will separate once again to see if there’s yet another different way to go about becoming one with the self again. That being said, I deeply feel this journey must not be judged but rather fully embraced. For what is the point if we never, at any point in this time space continuum, use our advanced ability to enjoy? If we never surrender to the journey we ourselves have set out to take? I believe it is crucial for our own benefit in this particular part of our existential ventures, to somehow surrender to what we are, where we are and everything else we experience as real in this present moment.
Now the ultimate challenge that I seem to be facing is the victim & persecutor ego, the game of blame and the feeling of powerlessness in the experiences that life entails. This very ingrained part of self is opposed to complete responsibility of “I” and highly afraid of accepting things as they are, internal as external (if there is even such separate realities that don’t end up being the other, as well as the reflection of the other). My experience is that this part of self has been neglected the light of love throughout a vast part of the history of the human being on this planet, and is desperately crying out to be heard, understood, accepted, embraced and healed in this particular moment and space, individually as well as collectively (again, if there is even such valid distinctions to be made in a world where everything is turning out to be one).
Anyways, the now is most definitely the gateway through which I believe all things can be turned upside down, a source of energy that we’ve escaped but from which we can access limitless amounts of transformative power to allow the things which weigh us down to become what helps us rise. Held in love, I have learned that all things change shape much faster than when resisted. Also, love, in my own perception, has turned out to be much, much more than what I previously thought. Though its definition seems to be broader and broader by the second, I feel there is something in its essence that will always let you know that it is indeed IT that is guiding us and flowing through us in the present moment. I have always believed that “I” am love, consequently that all that is, is love, and the mere knowing of this has allowed me to re-attune with the source of who I am in every challenging moment of life thus far.
I’ll leave it at that for now. There’s more to come… always.

GLOW

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I have this wise woman in me that keeps saying I hold the answers to all of my questions. But sometimes I just find it hard to beleive her. I mean She says I know but then She says no more. She just points right back at me as soon as I start looking elsewhere for guidance. But then I look at myself and I can’t seem to figure it out. I just don’t see it. Or maybe I’m not really looking. Maybe I’m actually, more or less unconsciously, looking away. Maybe as She points back at me I close my eyes. Maybe I’m slightly afraid to actually look and see. So what am I so afraid of? What am I resisting to see? They say it’s our light that scares us the most. But I really thought I had embraced my light. I thought I had realized how amazingly wonderful I am. But there is something more. There is definitely something more. Hmm. Light. Light and shine. These are maybe two different things. It’s one thing to be full of light, and another to shine. And I have failed to see how I shine. I don’t see it. Intellectually, I get it. But to wholeheartedly actually feel and see it… No I can’t say I do. But I’m understanding this now, with body, mind and soul, that maybe I do shine. Maybe I shine really really bright. Maybe my shine is extraordinary. Maybe it runs through my veins and radiates with every movement I make and every breath I take. And when I am still, maybe my skin even glows. And I have failed miserabla to see that. Maybe I don’t just shine. Maybe I glow. Maybe my shine is so effortless that I, in my very existence, am always glowing. Maybe the reason why I’ve closed my eyes is because I’ve been afraid to be blinded, to burn my eyes with the intensity of my own light, shine and glow. Maybe the completedness of my light has had me intimidated. But now I’m being told it isn’t dangerous. And that I should look. I have to. I must see or else there is no reason. All these people will reflect this glow right back and I won’t see it. I’ll look away everytime if I’m not prepared to see myself. I’ll run. I’ll avoid all human contact only to avoid seeing the beauty of my own light mirrored in the eyes of these people. But I can’t keep doing that. I don’t want to. I want to be able to look and I want to actually see. I want to see it in me and I want to show it to you. I want you to see it in me so you can see it in you too. I want to let go. I want to let go of resistance. So I let go. I let go and I embrace. I embrace light, shine and glow. I embrace pure divinity as my true nature. I embrace effortless beauty as the very essence of my being. I embrace myself, an angel of light, shining Goddess, ceaselessly glowing in the name of Love. -A

SEX

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Forget everything you think you know about sex. There is no such thing. All these ideas you have, they will only limit you in the practice of what it really is. It is not at all what your mind makes it out to be. Your mind may know the basics of it, but don’t trust your mind to lead you through it or you will miss out completely. It is not something we can truly know anything about until we are right there in the very moment. Let’s call it intimacy. Let’s call it intimacy because intimacy does not entail all those preconceived ideas that you may have about sex. Sex is too loaded. Loaded with expectations and weight that will undo what sex is meant to do in the first place. It is meant to bring us closer together but done carelessly it only brings us further apart. Intimacy, on the other hand, seldom fails to bring us closer. Intimacy opens up doors that we may not even be aware of having kept so closed. Sex may burst open jammed doors but when done with too much force, that door is bound to go back shut harder again. We must be wise in our movements, just as we are with our words. If we want to enjoy the full range of pleasure that our bodies can offer then we must be ready to explore consciously and step out of our habitual patterns. We must be prepared to move and to be moved in ways never before imagined. Only this way will we feel the bliss that has been kept secret to us by the conditions of our minds. This way we will know sex, not as we expect it to be, but as it truly has the potential to be. This way we are innovators rather than mere reproducers. This way, humanity can evolve through the magnificence of its own vehicle, instead of violently abusing it. Let’s open our minds to the potential genius of our bodies and find the treasures we all hold within. -A

SHAKE THE BOX

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If you never try you’ll never know

Yes they’ve said so

And so I tried to let go

And this is all I have to show

Bare and bruised
Used
Heck even abused
All the while I snoozed
To tired to awake
Not knowing what was at stake
But now this box I shake
What I am- I’m ready to make
Down is up and up is down
A smile wins over a frown
In the depths of love misery drowns
Upon my head a bright bright crown
Show me if you too see
Just what it takes to be
No more than free
Swimming in this sea
Here
Let life steer
Yes you too my dear
Have nothing to fear.

AN EPIC BATTLE

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For an exaggeratedly long time now I have been afraid of being too much. I’ve been afraid of expressing all of me and not being understood, of being rejected for my truth. I wasn’t always aware of this lingering fear of mine since it came in disguise, in subtle ways making me compromise who I was, making me a more edited, cropped and censored version of myself, both physically and in character. It has made me silent when I felt the urge to speak and made me speak when I would rather just have stayed silent. It has made me feed my absorbed insecurities rather than boost my inborn self-confidence. It has made me listen to others when I should have listened to myself just as it has made me full of myself, deaf and stubborn, when I should’ve listened to others. So here is me embarking and completing the journey of stripping myself of this fear to become who I am.

One would think it seems obvious that we should all simply be who we are but the harsh reality of it is that this fear of simply being is one that persists in most of us, sometimes even all the way to the grave. This I refuse. Now that I’ve began acknowledging this fear it seems more and more irrational for me to continue putting in such immense effort in order to be less of myself. In hindsight I think it was the conscious choice to be more of myself that aggravated things and set the war in motion; the opposing forces within me made the state of things unsustainable and I was brought to some sort of breaking point. It is no wonder that I’ve been exhausted, pumped out of all energy with nothing left to do anything that does not contribute to the resolution of the inner conflict. I have been so busy draining myself of vitality that adding a single thing to my list of burdens, however light they might have seen, would have caused me to crumble. It’s not that I’m week and nor do I carry more than anyone else, quite contradictory I am strong and I refrain from carrying more than what lays within my direct span of responsibilities. It is rather, fortunately so (though it might seem unfortunate to the outsider at first glance) that circumstances have led me to evolve in such a way that I have been forced to prioritize. I have been pushed to truly and wisely pick my battles, or more accurately: pick my battle.

 And so, as I have been brave enough (because most of us know it truly does take courage) to go into this most crucial of battles, the one between who I am and who am not- yet who I have tried foolishly hard to be, I am gladly seeing the dawn of a ceasefire on the horizon. I realize now that ‘who I am not’ stands little to no chance at all at winning this battle of battles because, regardless of how fearful I might have been, there seems to be little to nothing at all that can possibly stop ‘who I am’ from winning this battle of battles. ‘Who I am not’ is slowly giving in more and more willingly, beat from trying to impose itself on a pure force of nature. As it turns out, ‘who I am not’ has been waiting for me give it some sort of sign that it is allowed to give up…

They say that it isn’t the darkness within that scares us the most but really our inner light that brings us most fright. Today I know this for a fact… just as I know that fear is something to be faced. So when fear has the upper hand, making us shiver from the mere thought of moving into it, let us think of it this way: facing the significant fear of truly embracing and embodying who we are really means to face, embrace and embody a pure being of light and love. Now, how scary can that really be if we don’t even think too much about it but simply feel it? Doesn’t feel too bad does it? Yet I’ve still been (and I know I’m not the only one) scared shitless to really encounter and accept this person that I am, intrinsically good and beautiful! Why? Because in some twisted way my conditioned mind had me thinking I would be too much if I didn’t hold back.

We live in a world where almost everyone does this automatically to themselves and so we too grow to learn to do the same. We dim our light and we cover up the most raw and pure bits of our being. All this as a desperate yet understandable attempt at being loved, though ironically when we do so we tell ourselves that we are not loveable just as we are. We send signals to ourselves and others that only once we are a little less of who we are and a little more of who we are not we can maybe be loved fully. Stupid isn’t it? Yes it is stupid because it is a lie, and it is a lie I’ve been longing to bust not merely in theory but also in practice. So as I am acknowledging, embracing and growing into the fullness of me, I intend to bust this lie. I am proving to both myself and others that I am loveable just as I am- uncensored and undimmed. Belittling and distorting myself further is but an act that I am growing weary of putting on.

 Suddenly, being too much doesn’t seem so scary anymore because if I can still love myself untamed and raw, I need not worry of much else. Suddenly my eyes are open to see the beauty in the pure and honest being in others as well as in myself. And following, suddenly my heart is inviting to be loved wholly by others in return. So first, I’d like to thank ‘who I am not’ for putting up such tough resistance, making the winner even more worthy than it might otherwise have been. But most of all I’d like to thank the champion of this battle of battles.

Congratulations ‘who I am’, I now surrender to you.

 You have won.

I have won. 

A SPARK OF OPTIMISM

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Little flashes of weakness wash over me as if to remind me to return to the source of my strength. I feel almost overwhelmed, as if all of this is really just too much to handle- but then I remember that it isn’t a fight, and therefore I need not struggle nor give up either. Every day, every moment is a blessing and calls for a ‘thank you’ rather than a ‘hold on’.

 All resistance I have harbored within is beginning to surface into the consciousness of my mind and body and I am continuously granted the chance to let go and move forward with further ease, each second more open to the spontaneous flow of life, the endless river of love.

 If I have been honest before I now intend to be more than merely honest. I will be open as a book, cramped with the words and actions that most accurately express the magnificence of my inner being, my truth, and my soul. Now more than ever before is the time to not simply believe in the miracles of life but to full on trust and actively enact them.

No barriers remain insurmountable and no hindrances hold the power to entirely throw me off course. An obstacle is purely an opportunity. With the risk of sounding overly optimistic and naïve, I believe rather confidently that a strong shift in our foundation is intelligently setting forth the changes required to spark the evolution of mankind onto the direction of our loving intuition.

Every second holds a portal into infinity and though accessing seems hard at times it is only to prepare our character to eventually fully embody the light that we can finally attain. I believe, feel, know and trust the purpose of all. With love extending in and out of my heart I rest assured that all is well and all is one. In this union we have already overcome. In love we are bound and so we shall eternally be.

Oddly familiar

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The truth is I am nothing like you and exactly like you

I too think, feel and act, am unlike any other, similarly special indeed

Only, circumstances went on to create the appearance of difference

It had to be so, or else what would there truly be?

And so everything that we have in common is also what sets us apart

Isn’t it pretty, we’re all simply one and the same yet not even slightly alike

I too was born unique in this world; endlessly dancing in a sea of imperfect clones

Because that’s just what we are, and that’s just what makes us so peculiar

Some of us awake, others still buried deep in their slumber

And yet not a single one of us walks without purpose on the surface of this planet

So it is that these seemingly meaningless footsteps begin to form a pattern

Much like a coherent web of light reflecting the existence of each other

Struck by the life in  another, we are bound to the genius behind the matter

All and all just the same though somehow never monotonous or predictable

I too wonder off by my one, stumble and loose myself only to find my way back

In this strange way, out of ignorance we grow into innocence, stunned by this perfect reality.