Hey. I really don’t mean to ruin your day but… then again, maybe I do. Because honestly I can’t really afford to stop and worry about what you will think of me. It isn’t the biggest of my problems. I have to ruin your day. Because maybe that’s what it takes for you to put your day in perspective, to understand what a day really is. Because as you prepare for this new day as if it were just an ordinary day, one in a seemingly endless row of days cramped with unprocessed emotional residue from the past, fatal things are happening. The residue causes unconscious behavior further motivated by an unachievable future ideal that has been imprinted in your mind by society, and all the while… humanity is, not so slowly anymore, committing mass suicide. Every minute, heck, every second that we spend either stuck in the past or escaping to the future through our minds, we miss a chance at individual and collective redemption and instead contribute to the growth of dysfunction in ourselves and the world. Each and every one of us is responsible for the restoration of balance within us in order to create that balance in the world around us as well. We need to realize this with the sense of urgency that is required for us to act upon it as quickly as possible. Every moment is a battle between the forces and it is in our hands to even things out and reinstate harmony in the world. It is doable but it necessitates our full conviction and dedication. I pledge allegiance to the utopian reality that is available to us through enlightenment and love in every present moment. Will you too?
How can I share with you my happiness from the sheer being alive? How can I explain to you the pleasure produced from a simple stroke on my skin? How can I catch you in your busy life and get you to see the immense gratification found in just sitting still? How can I begin to convey the beauty that can be discovered in watching anything, literally anything, move in its constant flowing dance? How can I possibly communicate to your busy mind the peacefulness of absolute silence? How can I meet you right here, right now and have us unfold the magnificence of this moment together when your thoughts have wondered off far away in time and space?
From where I stand today I see that madness was something I inherited from our culture. Even though our culture claims normality and points toward me being an odd exception, I feel I have finally grown sane. Out of this chaos that is the way society’s wheel spins, grew in me first weariness then suspicion then curiosity and finally some form of sanity. And so, suddenly I found myself outside of the matrix, seeing things much more objectively rather than the way I was taught to perceive them. And so here I am, watching that wheel spin and spin out of control, with so many of you so desperately caught in it that you might haven’t even noticed the way it continuously whirls you out of your own center.
So I ask myself, what can I do? I cannot grab your hand and pull you out. I cannot force you to look at things my way. I cannot make you enjoy watching another person in the eye as much as or even more than buying fancy new things. I cannot command you to laugh at the challenges you face. Only you can do such things for yourself, if you want to that is. Only you can choose the ways in which you want your path to wind, but as long as you don’t know this wholeheartedly your path will most likely be the one paved out for you by society. And such a path is seldom in full accord with the way your heart wants you to move.
No, all I can do is stay here and wave from the outside hoping that you’ll notice me, and see that there is in fact a place beyond the platform of time and space that you once were restricted to move within that you may have overlooked. And if you do notice it, all I can do is- with full honesty and confidence, lead by example and express the abundant infinity, which can be found here. And if you do trust me, and most of all trust yourself in what you come to believe, I can only mirror the courage that you too hold to decisively take the leap of faith that is essential to the full uncovering of what has been veiled. And if you do pursue that leap of faith, with arms, mind and heart open, I will be sure to greet you here the same precise way, with arms, mind and heart open.
There was a time when I was forced to burn for these words, punished by the fear of the dormant masses, but today I mustn’t hide and I mustn’t be silenced. Today brave hearts are ready to receive and ready to give openly, without shame or judgment. The old picture of me is fading, the one where I stand subdued and held hostage as an alien in an indigenous tribe of distress. The new picture of me is emerging, the one where I sit in peace in my own motherland, welcoming this alienated population to come join me to learn the wisdoms of this soil.
I see now that I was enslaved by my own perception, mistakenly viewing myself as the stranger whilst all along it was those whom could never understand my mystic tongue that had estranged themselves from this earth. It was not my dancing that did not but belong but their stagnated veins and deafness to the music that made it seem so. With the moon I hear the cries of the land and the sea, calling me back, singing my name the way I remember it being sung since the very first life I set foot on this gentle planet. I remember my mother and father, giants of the sky, and in their honor I am brought back to life, again and again. I acknowledge the grandness of my being, the lifetimes it withstood to once more find its way through the pavement and flourish.
Ask me if I’m crazy and I will assure that I am, because such will we all become once we have drank from the river of our own soul and tasted the true flavor of life’s building blocks. I am crazy indeed for I have breathed air contaminated with lies yet still see the truth I was meant to be kept from. I am wild and foolish, certainly so in the eyes of those whom cannot see beyond the veil where half of me exists. But truly foolish are they who do not allow for more than they can grasp, because if the world was simply just as it is assumed to be by the gullible majority- the world would truly be a doomed place. Fortunately, the great truth cannot be undone simply by the rule of the blind, though it needs a great deal of help revealing itself once again. But trust not these words for it, for they hold no accuracy, as they are mere messengers of what can be sensed with senses yet to be discovered. Be brave and find out for yourself. This time we shall not burn.
If the universe ever gave me a sign that it was time I revealed my full truth and identity, this ought to be it. It is staring eagerly at me as I am only now daring to even glance at it, still hesitantly giving in to its divine persuasion. It isn’t that I am unwilling, not at all. I am in fact very willing, only just finishing up the rinsing off of that last bit of old dust. I was once so heavily covered in it that one could not have guessed the colors it hid. It weighed me down, keeping me still and frozen, had me fooled that I was simply another statue in the huge collection of society’s soulless army. No, no, no. It is but the residue of that dusty fear that haunts me now. All the while there was indeed movement inside and with it came the inevitable insight that I, as much as all others, could not possibly be so faceless. If I were so robotic as I was taught to believe then how come thoughts and feelings seemed to emerge from within that did not spring from the ordinary data I was programmed to operate from? No I suspected early on that all those things that were so seldom reflected by the outside world I was restricted to perceive was not the extent of what existence deemed possible. There was always too much happening inside that no rational person within my range of acquaintances could seem to even understand. Those whom build the fences of what we ought to know as reality never quite managed to encompass all those things that my philosophical feelers had embraced at an already early age.
Luckily, now that I have stepped into a bigger portion of myself I can hear the whispers of my soul as a much louder and clearer voice of loving guidance. Once again I feel the urge to preach and to be the honest prolongation of that voice within so that others too may hear what wise messages it sends us. They were never intended only for me and thus it would be reckless of me to quiet myself, denying the world a chance to hear itself sing to the melody of its constant living flow. I am a priestess, incarnated in this body of wonders, here to widen the horizon of those whom also long to perceive what lies beyond what their eyes were previously constricted to see. I am an indigo of the starseed generation desperate to lend a hand to those whom haven’t found the courage yet to ask for it. I am a white witch and winged angel, able to see things invisible to others, able to use the magic available to us through the great portal of the now. I am a princess gifted with the ability to give and therefore eternally grateful, finally aware of my own potential to become the queen that my soul yearns to personify. If I have been silent until now it is only because I was destined to take such precautions. If I have been invisible until now it is only because I have not yet been ready to reveal the entirety of my being. Today I am not destined to remain neither silent nor invisible. Today I am ordained by the genius of the world, which my soul is one with, to stand tall and speak loud; for the one who guides me knows that my words now only speak of love and that my body shines of pure light. The one who holds me knows me to be ready and therefor I shall not doubt nor question. I have been spoken to and I shan’t be one to refuse what is being said in bright truth. Present to me are the tools of my self-realization and therefor I invite you. Come see me as I am and you may see a part of you, one that you might not have seen, one that you might fear or one that you might long for. Either way, that is the mirror which I am, complete and uncensored but full of love. Hide from me and hide from yourself, or come to me and come find that also you have the tools. Here I am, unapologetically, in all my richness, wisdom, light and loving essence. Here I am, free.
Imagination is the little sister
The one that no one dares truly listen to
When she sings her tales of truth
As her older brother speaks much too loud
Of comforting lies they willingly buy
He too doesn’t know of what he tells them
Imitating the echoes of his parents so numb
Who weren’t always so
But learnt to quickly to succumb
Cultured apes in masses
Amongst whom so few seem to hear the whisper
The little sister’s stories
And her heaps of honest metaphors
She hands them out like candy
But they are chewed and spit like gum
In and out she watches
As they stubbornly proceed
Listening to the disorienting buzz
The one of big old brother
She sees it over and over again
Them shaking their heads at what she has to say
But she persists
As she knows no other way
Keeps on singing until one sings along
Until she is no longer falsely accused of lying
Until they finally learn
Dormant was the angel in me
Now she is raging
No longer sound asleep
But still tied up in chains
Who am I to hold her back?
When it seems she can’t be put down
No amnesia strong enough
To make it disappear
Her wings aching
Longing to be freed
The pain I cause this being
Of light so pure and bright
Kept in the dark
She longs for fresh air
Yet all I can acquire
Is the rotten scent of fear
No I didn’t mean to be so cruel
This was what I learned to do
Keep her down down
Do not awaken her soul
The sleeping beauty inside
Hold back tight
Her crown is way too bright
It will blind you
Corrupt you that’s for sure
But now I know
The lies began so long ago
Perverted was my mind
By the rulers of the frightful
And only now I see
With much more clarity
Just what was really kept from me
A vision of a tortured angel
Locked in their despair
And now my ears are bleeding
For I hear much louder how
The cries they tried to drown
Of a desolate bewildered spirit
Longs for my embrace
In such agony and pain
No I refuse to say
She sings her song in vain
Even if it scares me
I intend to cut the chains
Free at last she will be
You just wait and see.
For an exaggeratedly long time now I have been afraid of being too much. I’ve been afraid of expressing all of me and not being understood, of being rejected for my truth. I wasn’t always aware of this lingering fear of mine since it came in disguise, in subtle ways making me compromise who I was, making me a more edited, cropped and censored version of myself, both physically and in character. It has made me silent when I felt the urge to speak and made me speak when I would rather just have stayed silent. It has made me feed my absorbed insecurities rather than boost my inborn self-confidence. It has made me listen to others when I should have listened to myself just as it has made me full of myself, deaf and stubborn, when I should’ve listened to others. So here is me embarking and completing the journey of stripping myself of this fear to become who I am.
One would think it seems obvious that we should all simply be who we are but the harsh reality of it is that this fear of simply being is one that persists in most of us, sometimes even all the way to the grave. This I refuse. Now that I’ve began acknowledging this fear it seems more and more irrational for me to continue putting in such immense effort in order to be less of myself. In hindsight I think it was the conscious choice to be more of myself that aggravated things and set the war in motion; the opposing forces within me made the state of things unsustainable and I was brought to some sort of breaking point. It is no wonder that I’ve been exhausted, pumped out of all energy with nothing left to do anything that does not contribute to the resolution of the inner conflict. I have been so busy draining myself of vitality that adding a single thing to my list of burdens, however light they might have seen, would have caused me to crumble. It’s not that I’m week and nor do I carry more than anyone else, quite contradictory I am strong and I refrain from carrying more than what lays within my direct span of responsibilities. It is rather, fortunately so (though it might seem unfortunate to the outsider at first glance) that circumstances have led me to evolve in such a way that I have been forced to prioritize. I have been pushed to truly and wisely pick my battles, or more accurately: pick my battle.
And so, as I have been brave enough (because most of us know it truly does take courage) to go into this most crucial of battles, the one between who I am and who am not- yet who I have tried foolishly hard to be, I am gladly seeing the dawn of a ceasefire on the horizon. I realize now that ‘who I am not’ stands little to no chance at all at winning this battle of battles because, regardless of how fearful I might have been, there seems to be little to nothing at all that can possibly stop ‘who I am’ from winning this battle of battles. ‘Who I am not’ is slowly giving in more and more willingly, beat from trying to impose itself on a pure force of nature. As it turns out, ‘who I am not’ has been waiting for me give it some sort of sign that it is allowed to give up…
They say that it isn’t the darkness within that scares us the most but really our inner light that brings us most fright. Today I know this for a fact… just as I know that fear is something to be faced. So when fear has the upper hand, making us shiver from the mere thought of moving into it, let us think of it this way: facing the significant fear of truly embracing and embodying who we are really means to face, embrace and embody a pure being of light and love. Now, how scary can that really be if we don’t even think too much about it but simply feel it? Doesn’t feel too bad does it? Yet I’ve still been (and I know I’m not the only one) scared shitless to really encounter and accept this person that I am, intrinsically good and beautiful! Why? Because in some twisted way my conditioned mind had me thinking I would be too much if I didn’t hold back.
We live in a world where almost everyone does this automatically to themselves and so we too grow to learn to do the same. We dim our light and we cover up the most raw and pure bits of our being. All this as a desperate yet understandable attempt at being loved, though ironically when we do so we tell ourselves that we are not loveable just as we are. We send signals to ourselves and others that only once we are a little less of who we are and a little more of who we are not we can maybe be loved fully. Stupid isn’t it? Yes it is stupid because it is a lie, and it is a lie I’ve been longing to bust not merely in theory but also in practice. So as I am acknowledging, embracing and growing into the fullness of me, I intend to bust this lie. I am proving to both myself and others that I am loveable just as I am- uncensored and undimmed. Belittling and distorting myself further is but an act that I am growing weary of putting on.
Suddenly, being too much doesn’t seem so scary anymore because if I can still love myself untamed and raw, I need not worry of much else. Suddenly my eyes are open to see the beauty in the pure and honest being in others as well as in myself. And following, suddenly my heart is inviting to be loved wholly by others in return. So first, I’d like to thank ‘who I am not’ for putting up such tough resistance, making the winner even more worthy than it might otherwise have been. But most of all I’d like to thank the champion of this battle of battles.
Congratulations ‘who I am’, I now surrender to you.
You have won.
I have won.
Meaning. Purpose. Or whatever we choose to call it. That’s the key. That’s what it’s all about. At least this is my theory of what it’s all about… and also what it’s not about.
We might all go about searching and possibly finding it differently but however I try to break it down I always end up with this sturdy common denominator, namely meaning. Also, I believe there are two aspects of meaning, one that is constructed and created by the human mind, both collectively and individually; another that simply is, which is fundamental to existence no matter what man knows or thinks of it. Consequently, the way I see it we have certain major choices in life. Either we stubbornly convince ourselves and others that our idea of meaning is unquestionably right, i.e. idealism, extremism, fanaticism, radicalism etc. or we search aimlessly for something to give us what we seem to miss within and fall in each pit that society has dug for the exhausted pursuers of happiness, i.e. addiction, consumerism, deprivation, denial. Or, we acknowledge the second aspect of meaning, which isn’t interwoven in the creation of human civilization and which lies outside of the conceptions of society yet inevitably permeates all life. This, according to my humble theory, nonetheless supported by ancient wisdom and philosophy as well as modern day science, would lead us to reevaluate the ideas and structures of our culture and furthermore create a shift in both our thinking and our living. The only reason I can think of as to why it hasn’t yet reshaped the human world we live in is that the fundamental idea of man being responsible of creating meaning still prevails and blocks the recognition of the essential meaning of life. If we remain attached to the notion that meaning is to be conceived by man we will inevitably remain stuck within the limitations of the ideas that we are able to rationally conceive. Yet if we were to drop this, somewhat egocentric, idea that we as a human race and as individuals are to decide what is meaning and what is not, we should be able to recognize that life itself has teachings that we can take note of without necessarily having to be the architects behind it.
Understandably, this is infinitely hard. For the rational mind to drop its desire to figure everything out and to stop building up a worldview that is rationally justifiable in today’s society, it takes quite a lot of introspection. Likewise, for the lost souls whom cannot seem to settle with any given rational definition of meaning to stop looking to be distracted from their sense of lack, it takes quite a lot of courageous self-examination and determination. It takes bravery in its uttermost form to be willing to jeopardize all what we have socially learnt to be true and right in order to open oneself up to uncovering a mystery that is actively denied by so many. And more than anything it takes great faith in something beyond humanity itself, which perhaps in its nakedness is the scariest thing of all. With all do respect, I am not talking about a blind faith in sacred scriptures, profane sciences or in higher beings that we have named God, Allah, or Brahma much like characters in childlike stories that we repeat to ourselves in hopes to live meaningfully. I am talking about a limitless faith in everything that cannot be imagined by the human mind in combination with everything that is in fact perceivable to man. Man has, during his approximate 200,000 years on planet earth as a conscious being yet failed to formulate an all-encompassing truth pinpointing the reason why we exist. Still he walks around this earth as if he was the ruler of all and in the process he has made himself the enemy of all. Our desperate attempts to recreate some sort of meaning to life has mistakenly put us in a position where we contra productively deprive life of its intrinsic meaning, doing things like leading wars, exploiting our resources and all kinds of indulgence in big or small scale conflict.
Is it so unlikely that existence itself knows better why we are all here and that existence itself is not trying to hide this reason but that we, ambitious as we have become, are drowning out its voice by overlooking the obvious? Is it so unlikely that we, socially conditioned by our own relatively short human history, are simply barking up the wrong tree? Is it so unlikely that we can experience meaning, know meaning, feel meaning and live meaning without making it up or recreating it in our minds? Is it really so unlikely? I say no, on the opposite, it is quite unlikely that there isn’t such a meaning, but instead of saying “seek and ye shall find” I’d like to say “trust and ye shall find”. Meaning. It’s here. Let’s believe it and embrace it.
“You don’t belong here dear child, perhaps in another world but not in this one for sure. It’s dangerous, you know, to say those things you say. It could make things change. It could make people feel; now you wouldn’t want that would you? It would be such a shame if people started believing in you, because you know why? You would get all worked up for nothing and they… they would be too confused. Now darling spare them and yourself the embarrassment. Don’t stir up the pot when everything is so nice and settled, just the way it has been for so long. Nothing needs to change really. Ask Mother History too; she’d be so upset if she couldn’t go on repeating herself. So you can go back to where you came from and please leave the halo wherever that is. I mean for your own sake of course; it’s just not that fashionable here. Oh and tell your Mother Nature I said hi, tell her she’ll recover some day, just not as long as I am calling the shots around here.”