For a second now, imagine you could let go of everything that’s ever troubled you in the past and that the only attitude towards what has been and which now serves you is gratitude. Then imagine that there is absolutely nothing you need to worry about for the future and that the only thing your future depends upon is you being present here and now. Now notice the heavy giant load of things that just disappeared from your mind and understand how all that was making you blind to what you now perceive as you are being fully present in this specific moment. Notice how you are still alive and functioning though you are not chewing on the past as if it were non-disposable gum nor planning for the future as if your life depended on it. Notice that you’re still breathing, that your mind is clearing up and that your every little actions are becoming conscious and thus much more effective. Now see if you can discern the story that has conditioned you to escape this precious moment by trying to find false refuge in memories and expectations. Are you not very alive at the moment? What has led you to avoid this so much? And can you feel that whatever it is, it does not resonate with truth as you sit consciously in this now? Can you see that this moment is the source of all life and that this is where we need to be in order to survive harmoniously on this earth? Can you see?
Since I can remember, I have loved. I have loved deeply and without reason. But over and over, in this endless cycle of learning I have allowed fears to be imposed upon the way I love. And so love has been hurtful. People around me, in their effort to help me, have told me countless times to “forget about him”, “get over him” or “you’re too good for him anyways!” and so… I have listened to them and repeated those things to myself until I believed it too. And that’s how I came to live the most painful lie of all: to live as if I didn’t love, as if I didn’t love myself. Instead of seeing every rejection as a place in me that I needed to nurture with my own love, I mistakenly saw it as an unlovable dark spot forever deprived of light.
Until… it hurt too much too handle. Because, somewhere inside of me, I knew that regardless of the rejections, the conflicts or distances- it never meant the love wasn’t there. And neither did it mean that I wasn’t entitled to still love the way I felt I really did. This immense gift of loving through it all, was something I desperately began to protect myself from thinking IT was the cause of all my pain. Little did I know it was just that mindset that caused me to hurt the most…
The biggest mistake us humans do is to deem it wrong to love. The greatest pain we can inflict upon others and ourselves is done by holding back the love we have and are. It is so simple really. Everything that we are is energy in vibration and that energy is set in motion thanks to the gravitational pull we call love. Love creates motion, which causes emotion and in turn that is what stirs the process of evolution.
It is so simple really. And all this time, everything we’ve ever done wrong, has always been about undermining love. As soon as we forget about it, shut it out or restrict it in one way or another… things become complicated.
And it hurts. But that’s not always a bad thing, because we tend to learn a lot from the pain and the complicated as well. But at some point we must realize that what we are to truly learn isn’t all that complicated. It’s love. We are to learn about love. I’ve realized it over and over again but somehow I needed some more homework and made things complicated for myself anyways. And so, with every time I have fallen head over heals or simply felt a strong pull towards someone, the thing that has hurt me the most is that persistent thought of “I shouldn’t” or “I can’t”. That stubborn little thing we call fear that springs right from that (not always so) amazing ability to think critically.
Whenever we tell ourselves such things, we build a fort around our precious love and we become very lonely and thus more or less miserable. And then, everything becomes about defending those walls, keeping us busy, getting over it and blablabla. No. I will not settle for a life of distraction. I’m way too sensitive to survive such masochism anyways. For me, it’s beyond the point of choosing. If I am to continue living, I must also be free to love. And I mean love. Really love. I mean no boundaries, like love really is.
I can’t say I won’t do this or I won’t do that because love- the universal law that rules me- does not work that way. We have the ability to rationalize and rationalize but with this gift of the mind we can only go so far. It is only with the force of love that we may go beyond the limits that our rationality perceives. It is our lesson to learn to expand beyond the boundaries we have set up for ourselves. We must see the imprisonment of our emotions that is inhibiting us from being free individuals in a limitless united collectivity. Once we expand with love we will see there are no rules.
We may have needed moral codes and rational social control back when we hadn’t yet evolved so far in our ability to love, but now that we have- the next step must be to move beyond those codes and restraints. We can trust ourselves to be free if we live in accordance with love. Hurt and pain only derives from depriving ourselves of the right to be happy and free. Happiness is just another word to describe what happens when we let go of our fears, of our inhibitions. Happiness is when we choose to be free to exercise love. Isn’t that a human right? Isn’t that all that history seems to have taught us? That love conquers all? That we all have the right to love freely? No matter the circumstances? No matter what the mind fears might happen or deems inappropriate?
We must love and we must love freely. It is really about time we rid ourselves of our self-inflicted pain and constraints and about time we opened our hearts to the infinite amount of love that is accessible to us. About time we began to exercise that love without trying to control it. I once wrote, in a state of gut-wrenching heart ache over a secret crush, that love is like a wild horse, tormenting and terrifying when in captivity, but when it is freed, galloping majestically across a limitless open field… that is when it is truly home. And with lessons taught over and over, I have learned this one thing: the ultimate declaration of love to myself is to set myself free. And whatever thatmeans, I am ready to find out.
A heart can never truly break, but only the walls we built around it.
I have been crying, balling, sobbing all night now. I was going to write when I stopped myself and realized words would be deficient in the overwhelmingly emotional state I was in. Then I sat down by the piano, which I have no clue how to play, and allowed my feelings to drizzle out onto its keyboard along with vocals I hadn’t at all planned for. And suddenly I found myself playing and singing a song, surprisingly beautiful too. I guess this is what love does to us. It makes us move. It makes us create. Usually I would have gone to write right away, or maybe dance for a while. But love needed me to expand even further and find more ways to express my emotions. Love does not settle. Love does not say ‘fine we’ll leave it at that and go no further’. Love pushes the boundaries, all the time. Sometimes it’s subtle, maybe because we’re fighting it or maybe because we’re not paying enough attention. But even now as I am writing I am noticing how love is pushing me to write grander and faster. Love is asking me, no not even asking but demanding me to keep on striving. Love is commanding me and moving me onward, inward, outward and in all conceivable directions. Love is not telling me to stick to what I know. Love is telling me to learn more, keep on exploring, keep on pushing, pushing and pushing. But love doesn’t mean that in a bad way. It’s not saying that what I’ve got right here isn’t enough, quite the contrary, it is telling me that everything I have right here, right in this moment, is abundant already. It is everything and more. It’s saying that what I’ve got right here and right now is precisely what I need to create the circumstances for more. Not that I need more. It is only saying all this so that I learn what more really is. More is not a concept in the future. More is what we find right here when we look into things from the angle of love. Love is more. More is one of the very many definitions of love. Love is more, and also so much more than that. Love. Love is every second of every day of every life. Love is what keeps on going. What makes us keep on going. It is the head corner stone of all life, of all movement, of all bettering, of all creation. When we move in tune with love we are dancing to the rhythm of evolution. It is an ever-flowing, endless beat that, though it keeps on going steady, never ever creates the exact same music twice. Every verse and every tune is unique, seeking to be followed by an even better one. And such is how life goes on creating itself with the help of love. Love is that gravitational force into the infinity and abundance of the moment so that we can expand effortlessly into the next. How amazing it is really. How very mind-blowing, gut wrenchingly beautiful. How genius and how magnificent. There is truly never a dull moment in life once we take note of the love that is guiding us, in its continuous managing of the resources that life entail, pushing and pulling. And to realize that we were all blessed with a heart, a living outlet for love into our otherwise so rational beings… to realize that we are vessels of this love, no matter how little or how much we are aware of it! And even better so to realize that we can actually be aware of such a brilliant phenomenon going on in and outside of ourselves, constantly and ever so stunningly. New, new, new is the song of love. And even if that seems harsh to the mind that also always sees the old passing sometimes brutally quick, it is the way life must be for it to be at all. New, new, new also means better, better, better, at least from the perspective of love, which we can all see from through our very own hearts. Move on, move forward and create, it tells me. Love loves to create; it is all it ever does. So if that means life is its stage and I am its instrument to continue doing so, I am game. I am definitely game. Will you come and play?
If you are looking for the easy way out, searching for a quick fix, I’ll tell you- you have come to the wrong place.
This door might be wide open, but it leads you down the rabbit whole.
To me it’s all the same though, I’ve been there many times.
But I warn you if you choose to enter, be prepared and let it all just go.
Let the brick walls of your mind collapse and your soul spiral away.
Be as open as the door that let you in.
Because if you are not, and you choose to see only what your mind was set to see, you will be fiercly blinded.
And more than that, the hole in which you fall will as bottomless as you expect.
And so your fears will keep extending, into that infinite black hole.
But if you come here looking for truth, prepared with all your courage, faith and love, then please my love- do enter.
And you shall see that as you fall you rise up high, and the pit you feared to enter is one with great reward.
And so long you keep your eyes wide open, no beauty shall be lost.
For if you trust and know your heart, you’ll know to love confusion as a deeply crucial part.
I got sick, terribly sick. Sick of hiding and holding myself back. Yes, truly, it made me ill in every sense. And then when I stood back up to heal, they turned their eyes to me and saw. And what they saw it scared them. So much so they tried to beat me black and blue. Though my colors never changed, I do see I was born to break. Break the shell of fear, that we impose upon ourselves. I am not the sickness, though it held me tight for long. No, me I am the remedy. The cure from all their lies. I think the word is truth. But I’m sure it won’t suffice, to show what grows inside it. To reveal all that it is. But my life is the tool, to awaken just all that. Whatever it might be. And put to sleep what it is not. For all that I now forgive, and allow to slip away. So yes, that is why I won’t be hid again. For here I stand in light of love and truth. Stripping off the sickness, healing in the nude.
It’s easy to judge honesty. Of course it is. Because honesty, uncensored and raw, brings out fear in us. It awakens the secrets we have buried deep down. It makes the corpses of our lies twist and turn in their well dug graves. It stirs confusion within our organized illusions. It reminds us of our nakedness and vulnerability. It reminds us of the masques we forgot we even wore. It makes us ask questions we forgot we even had the answers to…
and so I ask in the name of truth, and appeal upon the judge inside of me and you:
You call me crazy, but would you have the courage to live as freely as I do?
You call me lazy, but would you have the patience to let the mysteries unfold all the way?
You call me naive, but would you have the faith to believe the truth once it’s there, right in front of you?
You call me morbid, but would you have the strength to face the fears and feel the feelings that lirk inside the darkest of caves?
You call me spoilt, but would you really have the gratitude to accept such abundance?
You call me foolish, but would you have the love to give so thoughtlessly?
You call me a reckless, but would you have the passion to burn so bright?
You can call me anything you wish, but would you be able to be me? Would you have the guts and the heart to live my life as fully as I? To be present, bare footed on the earth I walk upon, every moment of every day, to watch the birds fly and hear them sing, to sit and breathe with the whispers of the wind, to have your thoughts and feelings dance with the noise of roaring boats in the distance, walk with the beams of the sun upon your scarred face? Could you do that and know that all is as it should be, that this is life, perfectly imperfect, nothing more nothing less? Could you write these sentences and smile as heartfelt as I?
Could you be you, as honestly as I am me?
If so, I salute you. For I know the strenght, the courage, the love, the patience, the passion, the gratitude and the faith it takes to be me and live in this everlasting moment of change. So if you do too, I salute you.
I am in love. I fell in love and there is no falling out of it. But I am no damsel in distress. I have fallen head over heals, yes. Truly and deeply but there’s no point in trying to catch me. Don’t you worry. It’s no silly infatuation. I am not blinded, no, I see things very clearly now. I am madly in love. I have fallen and there’s no turning back.
I am in love with life. I am so in love that these words are failing me. I love intensively. Every little crack and crease. Every little turn. Every little bump. All of it. I am in love with everything I see. Everyone I meet. Everything I touch. Everything that ever was. All that has yet to come. And mostly, I love all that is.
Every hair on my body. Every scar and every wound to come. I love the way my whole organism works together in a symphony, keeping me in one piece. Allowing me to move as a beautiful irreplaceable entirety. Especially how it allows me to dance. To feel. See. Speak. Taste. Write. All of it.
I love everything around. Everything far away in the distance and nearby. I am so in love. With every man and woman who has ever spoken a single word to me. Taken the time to get to know me. To be with me in one way or another. Intimately or completely platonic. I am so in love. So, so in love.
I am in love with the lizards. Insects. With the bees. The flowers. The clouds. The sun. And all there is, ever was and ever will be. All that- I love. I am even in love with the things that I fear. The things I can’t stand. All of it. Of course I am in love with what I love. With all that I like. All that I don’t understand and all that I do.
Oh how wonderful it is to be in love. To see so clearly. In love with my own beating heart and bewildered spirit. My cultured mind and my unique body. Also, I am in love with you. So if I haven’t already made it clear, now you should know… I love you.
Hey. I really don’t mean to ruin your day but… then again, maybe I do. Because honestly I can’t really afford to stop and worry about what you will think of me. It isn’t the biggest of my problems. I have to ruin your day. Because maybe that’s what it takes for you to put your day in perspective, to understand what a day really is. Because as you prepare for this new day as if it were just an ordinary day, one in a seemingly endless row of days cramped with unprocessed emotional residue from the past, fatal things are happening. The residue causes unconscious behavior further motivated by an unachievable future ideal that has been imprinted in your mind by society, and all the while… humanity is, not so slowly anymore, committing mass suicide. Every minute, heck, every second that we spend either stuck in the past or escaping to the future through our minds, we miss a chance at individual and collective redemption and instead contribute to the growth of dysfunction in ourselves and the world. Each and every one of us is responsible for the restoration of balance within us in order to create that balance in the world around us as well. We need to realize this with the sense of urgency that is required for us to act upon it as quickly as possible. Every moment is a battle between the forces and it is in our hands to even things out and reinstate harmony in the world. It is doable but it necessitates our full conviction and dedication. I pledge allegiance to the utopian reality that is available to us through enlightenment and love in every present moment. Will you too?
Can this really be? For centuries and more they hunted you down and punished you for your truth and your magical mystery. Now suddenly they seem to ask for it. They don’t fear you. They beg and plead for you to help them. They once called you a witch, chained you down, burnt you and tossed you down a cliff to see if you would fly.
Well now you do and there they are, watching you in awe as you rise like a phoenix from the ashes of their primeval cursed fires. All along they blamed you for witchcraft and black magic when all along it was them whom used the dark forces to torture your bright soul. Your body and mind may have died over and over but your spirit persisted and here you are again, blooming, as bright as ever. The courage you have had over lifetimes is ineffable, beyond grasping and spectacularly baffling. You have withstood so much and yet you have kept coming back. You have trusted defeat to be the beginning of victory and therefor you have been resilient. Your strength is unlike many.
The memories of your past battles stretching far back in history of mankind are imprinted in your body and today you can honor them. Today you can reveal yourself and give thanks to the courage you have showed lifetimes again and again. You have fought long and hard and beginning to see that you can finally put your sword down knowing that you mustn’t always be on guard. You have made it safely to this point in time and space and here you can finally reside in peace. You were a warrior, a princess with a blade sharpened by love. You were a healer, a goddess with hands of light. You were a speaker with a quick tongue perfected for wisdoms of the heart. Now you are all those things you ever were, just not chased and imprisoned for it. Now you are a free bird, wings spreading high and wide.
For long your roots have carved their way deep into the soil of this earth and finally the flower is in full bloom with no end in sight. Honor the wars of the past and rejoice in the peace of today. You are deserving of the goodness that is given to you at this present time, for you have fought heroically and ceaselessly. These are times of laughter, but unlike previous times these laughs will not slit you throat. As you laugh today all the wounds of your past battles are healing and finding their peace inside your everlasting soul. Like a soldier home from war, it is sometimes hard to understand that the combat is truly over. But it is time you see that you are in fact coming home and that everyone who ever saw your light and laid a hand upon you is now cheering you on, welcoming you to rest in happiness and develop freely from now on.
No one is here to hold you back anymore, and even if that is a good thing it can be a terrifying thought for one whose wings were cut by countless hateful hands. But don’t be alarmed. There is really nothing to fear and such is the truth today. It wasn’t always so but today it is and so you must accept that, just as you once accepted to fight your way through the storms. Today you have clear blue skies and a light breeze pushing you forward on your journey.
The sun shines bright upon your face and the moon pulls you wherever you need to be. She, the moon, has watched you in your darkest hours and seen you swivel your sword and stain your hands with the blood of those whom once tried to stop you. But she has also seen your grace and your caring ways when no one else could see. She, the moon, asks you to forgive yourself just as she has long ago. Him, the sun, shows you the brightness of your being and asks you not to hold it back. Rains have watered the earth and your feet have danced upon it with grace no matter what. You are the one you’ve always been, whom you’ve been punished and feared for, worshiped and loved for and whom you are now free to be. In this life you are truly unlimited. In this life you are free.