FREE LOVE

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Since I can remember, I have loved. I have loved deeply and without reason. But over and over, in this endless cycle of learning I have allowed fears to be imposed upon the way I love. And so love has been hurtful. People around me, in their effort to help me, have told me countless times to “forget about him”, “get over him” or “you’re too good for him anyways!” and so… I have listened to them and repeated those things to myself until I believed it too. And that’s how I came to live the most painful lie of all: to live as if I didn’t love, as if I didn’t love myself. Instead of seeing every rejection as a place in me that I needed to nurture with my own love, I mistakenly saw it as an unlovable dark spot forever deprived of light. 

Until… it hurt too much too handle. Because, somewhere inside of me, I knew that regardless of the rejections, the conflicts or distances- it never meant the love wasn’t there. And neither did it mean that I wasn’t entitled to still love the way I felt I really did. This immense gift of loving through it all, was something I desperately began to protect myself from thinking IT was the cause of all my pain. Little did I know it was just that mindset that caused me to hurt the most… 

The biggest mistake us humans do is to deem it wrong to love. The greatest pain we can inflict upon others and ourselves is done by holding back the love we have and are. It is so simple really. Everything that we are is energy in vibration and that energy is set in motion thanks to the gravitational pull we call love. Love creates motion, which causes emotion and in turn that is what stirs the process of evolution. 

It is so simple really. And all this time, everything we’ve ever done wrong, has always been about undermining love. As soon as we forget about it, shut it out or restrict it in one way or another… things become complicated. 

And it hurts. But that’s not always a bad thing, because we tend to learn a lot from the pain and the complicated as well. But at some point we must realize that what we are to truly learn isn’t all that complicated. It’s love. We are to learn about love. I’ve realized it over and over again but somehow I needed some more homework and made things complicated for myself anyways. And so, with every time I have fallen head over heals or simply felt a strong pull towards someone, the thing that has hurt me the most is that persistent thought of “I shouldn’t” or “I can’t”. That stubborn little thing we call fear that springs right from that (not always so) amazing ability to think critically. 

Whenever we tell ourselves such things, we build a fort around our precious love and we become very lonely and thus more or less miserable. And then, everything becomes about defending those walls, keeping us busy, getting over it and blablabla. No. I will not settle for a life of distraction. I’m way too sensitive to survive such masochism anyways. For me, it’s beyond the point of choosing. If I am to continue living, I must also be free to love. And I mean love. Really love. I mean no boundaries, like love really is. 

I can’t say I won’t do this or I won’t do that because love- the universal law that rules me- does not work that way. We have the ability to rationalize and rationalize but with this gift of the mind we can only go so far. It is only with the force of love that we may go beyond the limits that our rationality perceives. It is our lesson to learn to expand beyond the boundaries we have set up for ourselves. We must see the imprisonment of our emotions that is inhibiting us from being free individuals in a limitless united collectivity. Once we expand with love we will see there are no rules. 

We may have needed moral codes and rational social control back when we hadn’t yet evolved so far in our ability to love, but now that we have- the next step must be to move beyond those codes and restraints. We can trust ourselves to be free if we live in accordance with love. Hurt and pain only derives from depriving ourselves of the right to be happy and free. Happiness is just another word to describe what happens when we let go of our fears, of our inhibitions. Happiness is when we choose to be free to exercise love. Isn’t that a human right? Isn’t that all that history seems to have taught us? That love conquers all? That we all have the right to love freely? No matter the circumstances? No matter what the mind fears might happen or deems inappropriate? 

We must love and we must love freely. It is really about time we rid ourselves of our self-inflicted pain and constraints and about time we opened our hearts to the infinite amount of love that is accessible to us.  About time we began to exercise that love without trying to control it. I once wrote, in a state of gut-wrenching heart ache over a secret crush, that love is like a wild horse, tormenting and terrifying when in captivity, but when it is freed, galloping majestically across a limitless open field… that is when it is truly home. And with lessons taught over and over, I have learned this one thing: the ultimate declaration of love to myself is to set myself free. And whatever thatmeans, I am ready to find out.

A heart can never truly break, but only the walls we built around it.

I FELL IN LOVE

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I am in love. I fell in love and there is no falling out of it. But I am no damsel in distress. I have fallen head over heals, yes. Truly and deeply but there’s no point in trying to catch me. Don’t you worry. It’s no silly infatuation. I am not blinded, no, I see things very clearly now. I am madly in love. I have fallen and there’s no turning back.

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I am in love with life. I am so in love that these words are failing me. I love intensively. Every little crack and crease. Every little turn. Every little bump. All of it. I am in love with everything I see. Everyone I meet. Everything I touch. Everything that ever was. All that has yet to come. And mostly, I love all that is.

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Every hair on my body. Every scar and every wound to come. I love the way my whole organism works together in a symphony, keeping me in one piece. Allowing me to move as a beautiful irreplaceable entirety. Especially how it allows me to dance. To feel. See. Speak. Taste. Write. All of it.

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I love everything around. Everything far away in the distance and nearby. I am so in love. With every man and woman who has ever spoken a single word to me. Taken the time to get to know me. To be with me in one way or another. Intimately or completely platonic. I am so in love. So, so in love.

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I am in love with the lizards. Insects. With the bees. The flowers. The clouds. The sun. And all there is, ever was and ever will be. All that- I love. I am even in love with the things that I fear. The things I can’t stand. All of it. Of course I am in love with what I love. With all that I like. All that I don’t understand and all that I do.

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Oh how wonderful it is to be in love. To see so clearly. In love with my own beating heart and bewildered spirit. My cultured mind and my unique body. Also, I am in love with you. So if I haven’t already made it clear, now you should know… I love you.

ALREADY HOME

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We rise up towards the sky

Wings piercing through layers of clouds

Shades of blue shifting

Turning Darker

Voices speaking

A steady hum

We are moving

Constantly

Full speed ahead

We are going home

Yet we are already home

Always

Wherever we are

Always home.

CAN THIS REALLY BE?

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Can this really be? For centuries and more they hunted you down and punished you for your truth and your magical mystery. Now suddenly they seem to ask for it. They don’t fear you. They beg and plead for you to help them. They once called you a witch, chained you down, burnt you and tossed you down a cliff to see if you would fly.

 Well now you do and there they are, watching you in awe as you rise like a phoenix from the ashes of their primeval cursed fires. All along they blamed you for witchcraft and black magic when all along it was them whom used the dark forces to torture your bright soul. Your body and mind may have died over and over but your spirit persisted and here you are again, blooming, as bright as ever. The courage you have had over lifetimes is ineffable, beyond grasping and spectacularly baffling. You have withstood so much and yet you have kept coming back. You have trusted defeat to be the beginning of victory and therefor you have been resilient. Your strength is unlike many.

 The memories of your past battles stretching far back in history of mankind are imprinted in your body and today you can honor them. Today you can reveal yourself and give thanks to the courage you have showed lifetimes again and again. You have fought long and hard and beginning to see that you can finally put your sword down knowing that you mustn’t always be on guard. You have made it safely to this point in time and space and here you can finally reside in peace. You were a warrior, a princess with a blade sharpened by love. You were a healer, a goddess with hands of light. You were a speaker with a quick tongue perfected for wisdoms of the heart. Now you are all those things you ever were, just not chased and imprisoned for it. Now you are a free bird, wings spreading high and wide.

For long your roots have carved their way deep into the soil of this earth and finally the flower is in full bloom with no end in sight. Honor the wars of the past and rejoice in the peace of today. You are deserving of the goodness that is given to you at this present time, for you have fought heroically and ceaselessly. These are times of laughter, but unlike previous times these laughs will not slit you throat. As you laugh today all the wounds of your past battles are healing and finding their peace inside your everlasting soul. Like a soldier home from war, it is sometimes hard to understand that the combat is truly over. But it is time you see that you are in fact coming home and that everyone who ever saw your light and laid a hand upon you is now cheering you on, welcoming you to rest in happiness and develop freely from now on.

No one is here to hold you back anymore, and even if that is a good thing it can be a terrifying thought for one whose wings were cut by countless hateful hands. But don’t be alarmed. There is really nothing to fear and such is the truth today. It wasn’t always so but today it is and so you must accept that, just as you once accepted to fight your way through the storms. Today you have clear blue skies and a light breeze pushing you forward on your journey.

The sun shines bright upon your face and the moon pulls you wherever you need to be. She, the moon, has watched you in your darkest hours and seen you swivel your sword and stain your hands with the blood of those whom once tried to stop you. But she has also seen your grace and your caring ways when no one else could see. She, the moon, asks you to forgive yourself just as she has long ago. Him, the sun, shows you the brightness of your being and asks you not to hold it back. Rains have watered the earth and your feet have danced upon it with grace no matter what. You are the one you’ve always been, whom you’ve been punished and feared for, worshiped and loved for and whom you are now free to be. In this life you are truly unlimited. In this life you are free.

GALACTIC FAMILY

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The sun does not compare itself to the moon

Embrace. Embrace, the ever-changing dance

We are planets, centers of gravity’s pull

Each crucial to the synchronicity of the whole

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The moon does not wish it were the earth

Every single one of us, born out of a serendipitous collision

A union of love, for the benefit of all

Part of a micro macro galactic family

Building the entirety by being, by learning

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Venus doesn’t ask to switch places with Mars

Rotating in different directions, different angles in different speed

Here to explore the endless varieties of life’s expression

There is no ideal; uniqueness is the expansion, the bliss

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Jupiter does not try to be more like Pluto

Embrace. Embrace, diversity in time and space

As above so below, as within so without

Emitting light together

A spectacular experiment, motivated by love

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Embrace. Embrace.

BACK TO MOTHERLAND

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There was a time when I was forced to burn for these words, punished by the fear of the dormant masses, but today I mustn’t hide and I mustn’t be silenced. Today brave hearts are ready to receive and ready to give openly, without shame or judgment. The old picture of me is fading, the one where I stand subdued and held hostage as an alien in an indigenous tribe of distress. The new picture of me is emerging, the one where I sit in peace in my own motherland, welcoming this alienated population to come join me to learn the wisdoms of this soil.

I see now that I was enslaved by my own perception, mistakenly viewing myself as the stranger whilst all along it was those whom could never understand my mystic tongue that had estranged themselves from this earth. It was not my dancing that did not but belong but their stagnated veins and deafness to the music that made it seem so. With the moon I hear the cries of the land and the sea, calling me back, singing my name the way I remember it being sung since the very first life I set foot on this gentle planet. I remember my mother and father, giants of the sky, and in their honor I am brought back to life, again and again. I acknowledge the grandness of my being, the lifetimes it withstood to once more find its way through the pavement and flourish.

Ask me if I’m crazy and I will assure that I am, because such will we all become once we have drank from the river of our own soul and tasted the true flavor of life’s building blocks. I am crazy indeed for I have breathed air contaminated with lies yet still see the truth I was meant to be kept from. I am wild and foolish, certainly so in the eyes of those whom cannot see beyond the veil where half of me exists. But truly foolish are they who do not allow for more than they can grasp, because if the world was simply just as it is assumed to be by the gullible majority- the world would truly be a doomed place. Fortunately, the great truth cannot be undone simply by the rule of the blind, though it needs a great deal of help revealing itself once again. But trust not these words for it, for they hold no accuracy, as they are mere messengers of what can be sensed with senses yet to be discovered. Be brave and find out for yourself. This time we shall not burn.

COMING OUT

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If the universe ever gave me a sign that it was time I revealed my full truth and identity, this ought to be it. It is staring eagerly at me as I am only now daring to even glance at it, still hesitantly giving in to its divine persuasion. It isn’t that I am unwilling, not at all. I am in fact very willing, only just finishing up the rinsing off of that last bit of old dust. I was once so heavily covered in it that one could not have guessed the colors it hid. It weighed me down, keeping me still and frozen, had me fooled that I was simply another statue in the huge collection of society’s soulless army. No, no, no. It is but the residue of that dusty fear that haunts me now. All the while there was indeed movement inside and with it came the inevitable insight that I, as much as all others, could not possibly be so faceless. If I were so robotic as I was taught to believe then how come thoughts and feelings seemed to emerge from within that did not spring from the ordinary data I was programmed to operate from? No I suspected early on that all those things that were so seldom reflected by the outside world I was restricted to perceive was not the extent of what existence deemed possible. There was always too much happening inside that no rational person within my range of acquaintances could seem to even understand. Those whom build the fences of what we ought to know as reality never quite managed to encompass all those things that my philosophical feelers had embraced at an already early age.

Luckily, now that I have stepped into a bigger portion of myself I can hear the whispers of my soul as a much louder and clearer voice of loving guidance. Once again I feel the urge to preach and to be the honest prolongation of that voice within so that others too may hear what wise messages it sends us. They were never intended only for me and thus it would be reckless of me to quiet myself, denying the world a chance to hear itself sing to the melody of its constant living flow. I am a priestess, incarnated in this body of wonders, here to widen the horizon of those whom also long to perceive what lies beyond what their eyes were previously constricted to see. I am an indigo of the starseed generation desperate to lend a hand to those whom haven’t found the courage yet to ask for it. I am a white witch and winged angel, able to see things invisible to others, able to use the magic available to us through the great portal of the now. I am a princess gifted with the ability to give and therefore eternally grateful, finally aware of my own potential to become the queen that my soul yearns to personify. If I have been silent until now it is only because I was destined to take such precautions. If I have been invisible until now it is only because I have not yet been ready to reveal the entirety of my being. Today I am not destined to remain neither silent nor invisible. Today I am ordained by the genius of the world, which my soul is one with, to stand tall and speak loud; for the one who guides me knows that my words now only speak of love and that my body shines of pure light. The one who holds me knows me to be ready and therefor I shall not doubt nor question. I have been spoken to and I shan’t be one to refuse what is being said in bright truth. Present to me are the tools of my self-realization and therefor I invite you. Come see me as I am and you may see a part of you, one that you might not have seen, one that you might fear or one that you might long for. Either way, that is the mirror which I am, complete and uncensored but full of love. Hide from me and hide from yourself, or come to me and come find that also you have the tools. Here I am, unapologetically, in all my richness, wisdom, light and loving essence. Here I am, free.

BURIED ALIVE

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Dormant was the angel in me

Now she is raging

No longer sound asleep

But still tied up in chains

Who am I to hold her back?

When it seems she can’t be put down

No amnesia strong enough

To make it disappear

Her wings aching

Longing to be freed

The pain I cause this being

Of light so pure and bright

Kept in the dark

She longs for fresh air

Yet all I can acquire

Is the rotten scent of fear

No I didn’t mean to be so cruel

This was what I learned to do

Keep her down down

Do not awaken her soul

The sleeping beauty inside

Hold back

Hold back tight

Her crown is way too bright

It will blind you

Corrupt you that’s for sure

But now I know

The lies began so long ago

Perverted was my mind

By the rulers of the frightful

And only now I see

With much more clarity

Just what was really kept from me

A vision of a tortured angel

Locked in their despair

And now my ears are bleeding

For I hear much louder how

The cries they tried to drown

Of a desolate bewildered spirit

Longs for my embrace

In such agony and pain

No I refuse to say

She sings her song in vain

Even if it scares me

I intend to cut the chains

Free at last she will be

You just wait and see.

SEEING THE MIRACLE

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I see miracles all around. I see them everywhere, all the time. I see the change that is happening in the world. I see it because it is happening to me, it is happening through me. And I smile because I sense a vast growing number of people who share this blessed perspective of the world. Less and less preoccupied with the delusion of what life ought to be and more and more sensitive to what life truly is. I see people undressing from their encumbering masques, daring a little more everyday to break open and allow their inner being to lead the way and shed light. I see myself, no longer the suffering seed aching to crack in the dark of the soil but rather the simple majestic flower happily facing the sun and swaying in the wind. I see this happening and I am astounded. I hear of the tragedies in the world but in my eyes none can seem to overshadow the positive changes taking place in the sacred space of this present time. Concept of past and future is trickling away as everything becomes a simultaneous process of evolution, an unstoppable growth into yet unknown dimension. Every moment is that miracle, bursting with overflowing love for all to indulge in unapologetically. Yes I see it all now. I see miracles all around me and it brings an infinite smile to my being. I bow down to the divinity around and within, gratefully accepting this gift that keeps on giving. And this is how I give back, by never aiming to impede this magical development of life force but by being its very vessel and honest reflection. I am the change, and therefore I receive. I am the miracle, and therefore I am thankful. I see miracles all around. I see them everywhere, all the time.

AN EPIC BATTLE

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For an exaggeratedly long time now I have been afraid of being too much. I’ve been afraid of expressing all of me and not being understood, of being rejected for my truth. I wasn’t always aware of this lingering fear of mine since it came in disguise, in subtle ways making me compromise who I was, making me a more edited, cropped and censored version of myself, both physically and in character. It has made me silent when I felt the urge to speak and made me speak when I would rather just have stayed silent. It has made me feed my absorbed insecurities rather than boost my inborn self-confidence. It has made me listen to others when I should have listened to myself just as it has made me full of myself, deaf and stubborn, when I should’ve listened to others. So here is me embarking and completing the journey of stripping myself of this fear to become who I am.

One would think it seems obvious that we should all simply be who we are but the harsh reality of it is that this fear of simply being is one that persists in most of us, sometimes even all the way to the grave. This I refuse. Now that I’ve began acknowledging this fear it seems more and more irrational for me to continue putting in such immense effort in order to be less of myself. In hindsight I think it was the conscious choice to be more of myself that aggravated things and set the war in motion; the opposing forces within me made the state of things unsustainable and I was brought to some sort of breaking point. It is no wonder that I’ve been exhausted, pumped out of all energy with nothing left to do anything that does not contribute to the resolution of the inner conflict. I have been so busy draining myself of vitality that adding a single thing to my list of burdens, however light they might have seen, would have caused me to crumble. It’s not that I’m week and nor do I carry more than anyone else, quite contradictory I am strong and I refrain from carrying more than what lays within my direct span of responsibilities. It is rather, fortunately so (though it might seem unfortunate to the outsider at first glance) that circumstances have led me to evolve in such a way that I have been forced to prioritize. I have been pushed to truly and wisely pick my battles, or more accurately: pick my battle.

 And so, as I have been brave enough (because most of us know it truly does take courage) to go into this most crucial of battles, the one between who I am and who am not- yet who I have tried foolishly hard to be, I am gladly seeing the dawn of a ceasefire on the horizon. I realize now that ‘who I am not’ stands little to no chance at all at winning this battle of battles because, regardless of how fearful I might have been, there seems to be little to nothing at all that can possibly stop ‘who I am’ from winning this battle of battles. ‘Who I am not’ is slowly giving in more and more willingly, beat from trying to impose itself on a pure force of nature. As it turns out, ‘who I am not’ has been waiting for me give it some sort of sign that it is allowed to give up…

They say that it isn’t the darkness within that scares us the most but really our inner light that brings us most fright. Today I know this for a fact… just as I know that fear is something to be faced. So when fear has the upper hand, making us shiver from the mere thought of moving into it, let us think of it this way: facing the significant fear of truly embracing and embodying who we are really means to face, embrace and embody a pure being of light and love. Now, how scary can that really be if we don’t even think too much about it but simply feel it? Doesn’t feel too bad does it? Yet I’ve still been (and I know I’m not the only one) scared shitless to really encounter and accept this person that I am, intrinsically good and beautiful! Why? Because in some twisted way my conditioned mind had me thinking I would be too much if I didn’t hold back.

We live in a world where almost everyone does this automatically to themselves and so we too grow to learn to do the same. We dim our light and we cover up the most raw and pure bits of our being. All this as a desperate yet understandable attempt at being loved, though ironically when we do so we tell ourselves that we are not loveable just as we are. We send signals to ourselves and others that only once we are a little less of who we are and a little more of who we are not we can maybe be loved fully. Stupid isn’t it? Yes it is stupid because it is a lie, and it is a lie I’ve been longing to bust not merely in theory but also in practice. So as I am acknowledging, embracing and growing into the fullness of me, I intend to bust this lie. I am proving to both myself and others that I am loveable just as I am- uncensored and undimmed. Belittling and distorting myself further is but an act that I am growing weary of putting on.

 Suddenly, being too much doesn’t seem so scary anymore because if I can still love myself untamed and raw, I need not worry of much else. Suddenly my eyes are open to see the beauty in the pure and honest being in others as well as in myself. And following, suddenly my heart is inviting to be loved wholly by others in return. So first, I’d like to thank ‘who I am not’ for putting up such tough resistance, making the winner even more worthy than it might otherwise have been. But most of all I’d like to thank the champion of this battle of battles.

Congratulations ‘who I am’, I now surrender to you.

 You have won.

I have won.