THE RABBIT HOLE

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If you are looking for the easy way out, searching for a quick fix, I’ll tell you- you have come to the wrong place.

This door might be wide open, but it leads you down the rabbit whole.

To me it’s all the same though, I’ve been there many times.

But I warn you if you choose to enter, be prepared and let it all just go.

Let the brick walls of your mind collapse and your soul spiral away.

Be as open as the door that let you in.

Because if you are not, and you choose to see only what your mind was set to see, you will be fiercly blinded.

And more than that, the hole in which you fall will as bottomless as you expect.

And so your fears will keep extending, into that infinite black hole.

But if you come here looking for truth, prepared with all your courage, faith and love, then please my love- do enter.

And you shall see that as you fall you rise up high, and the pit you feared to enter is one with great reward.

And so long you keep your eyes wide open, no beauty shall be lost.

For if you trust and know your heart, you’ll know to love confusion as a deeply crucial part. 

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COULD YOU BE YOU?

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It’s easy to judge honesty. Of course it is. Because honesty, uncensored and raw, brings out fear in us. It awakens the secrets we have buried deep down. It makes the corpses of our lies twist and turn in their well dug graves. It stirs confusion within our organized illusions. It reminds us of our nakedness and vulnerability. It reminds us of the masques we forgot we even wore. It makes us ask questions we forgot we even had the answers to…

and so I ask in the name of truth, and appeal upon the judge inside of me and you:

You call me crazy, but would you have the courage to live as freely as I do?

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You call me lazy, but would you have the patience to let the mysteries unfold all the way?
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You call me naive, but would you have the faith to believe the truth once it’s there, right in front of you?
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You call me morbid, but would you have the strength to face the fears and feel the feelings that lirk inside the darkest of caves?
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You call me spoilt, but would you really have the gratitude to accept such abundance?
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You call me foolish, but would you have the love to give so thoughtlessly?
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You call me a reckless, but would you have the passion to burn so bright?
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You can call me anything you wish, but would you be able to be me? Would you have the guts and the heart to live my life as fully as I? To be present, bare footed on the earth I walk upon, every moment of every day, to watch the birds fly and hear them sing, to sit and breathe with the whispers of the wind, to have your thoughts and feelings dance with the noise of roaring boats in the distance, walk with the beams of the sun upon your scarred face? Could you do that and know that all is as it should be, that this is life, perfectly imperfect, nothing more nothing less? Could you write these sentences and smile as heartfelt as I?
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Could you be you, as honestly as I am me?
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If so, I salute you. For I know the strenght, the courage, the love, the patience, the passion, the gratitude and the faith it takes to be me and live in this everlasting moment of change. So if you do too, I salute you.

ALLEGIANCE TO UTOPIA

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Hey. I really don’t mean to ruin your day but… then again, maybe I do. Because honestly I can’t really afford to stop and worry about what you will think of me. It isn’t the biggest of my problems. I have to ruin your day. Because maybe that’s what it takes for you to put your day in perspective, to understand what a day really is. Because as you prepare for this new day as if it were just an ordinary day, one in a seemingly endless row of days cramped with unprocessed emotional residue from the past, fatal things are happening. The residue causes unconscious behavior further motivated by an unachievable future ideal that has been imprinted in your mind by society, and all the while… humanity is, not so slowly anymore, committing mass suicide. Every minute, heck, every second that we spend either stuck in the past or escaping to the future through our minds, we miss a chance at individual and collective redemption and instead contribute to the growth of dysfunction in ourselves and the world. Each and every one of us is responsible for the restoration of balance within us in order to create that balance in the world around us as well. We need to realize this with the sense of urgency that is required for us to act upon it as quickly as possible. Every moment is a battle between the forces and it is in our hands to even things out and reinstate harmony in the world. It is doable but it necessitates our full conviction and dedication. I pledge allegiance to the utopian reality that is available to us through enlightenment and love in every present moment. Will you too?

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

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This time nigh time dreams won’t have me. I was expecting them and perhaps that was my mistake. But something else is keeping me awake and restless. There is a wild being caged inside my chest and as much as I’d like to claim nothing really scares me anymore, the intensity of what seems to be roaring within is greater than I seem able to handle right now. I’m not one to give into fear so easily though. I am the curious typ. A wild woman. Whatever that is. I burn and I ache. But it’s all good. That’s how I shed my skin. That’s how I spread my light. So who’s trying to tame me? Why do I have a string feeling I am being domesticated by myself? In me: a pretty tamer and a beast, all at once and me.

The moon called me out tonight, brought me back out of my sleepless bed. It had so much to say to me and I was afraid to listen. The tamer, that worried little thing, was afraid to listen. The beast on the other hand, gave away a deafening weep. No wonder there was fear. The moon spoke of death and blood. Of birth. Of life untamed. Of the raw. The ugly and it’s dirty beauty. And a part of me has been rejecting it for so long. And still is. Half heartedly though. I’ve been neglecting this fight and it was about time it was brought to surface.

 They say the old ways don’t work on this new rising earth, but what does that really mean? I know what it means but I would like to know how it applies to me. To this. But then again no. That’s what I fear. The tamers voice inside of me is still pleading. “Please let me be! Let me just go on unnoticed as I always have.” I am confused. Who am I to sympathise with here? Such a petty thing it would seem. But it doesn’t feel that way at all. Of how it pains me, cuts me deep. I am not afraid of others. I am afraid of myself. Of the beast inside. I hear the judging demon, terrified of the wilderness of my untamed being. “Be cultured! Civilized. Pretty.” It tells me.

But the poor wild beast can’t possibly be all those things. The wild beast is wild. It is not meant to be all those things it is forced to be. How could I ever take sides? How am I to make a decision that seems so devastating to all parts? I know this can’t go on much longer. I must forgive myself for keeping this battle alive thus far already. I keep pushing the limits. How far can I go without having to choose? Can I keep the beast locked up for just a little while longer? No. It doesn’t seem fair. It hurts too much. But the tamer shivers with fear at the very thought of unlocking it’s cage. But I must set it free.

Dear beast, you are not like them. Pretty and domesticated. You are fury and wild. Perfectly ugly and beautiful all at once. Oh what a crazy thing to be doing. To unleash this beast. But perhaps crazier to keep you on a leash. Force of nature. Star of the wild. You too deserve my love. You have kept me sane. Where will you go now that I set you free?

Dear tamer, I hear your questions and your warnings. You predict the worst. You always have. And I understand I really do. But it doesn’t have to be so. There could be relief. The beast is no longer your burden to worry about. You have been conditioned. Terribly so. You heard them say what had to be done to gain their approval. But we no longer seek their approval. You have my love as well. And that’s all you’ll ever need. I assure you. Your work is done and you’ve done it well. I love no matter what. I really do.

Dear beauty and the beast. I love you. Both.

BEAUTIFUL METAPHOR

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I used to wish I were simpler. I used to suffer from the complexity of the inner workings of my mind. I used to be hurt by the inability of others to understand the vast ocean of intricacy within me. No wonder- when I always knew I had stars in my head. It seemed simple at first but in teenage years things were not always bound to be easy when ancient wisdom was fused with hormones and deep feelings of alienation.

 But I see that I was born to simplify complexity, by first of all embracing it. Without the baffling ways of my mind and the highly elevated sensitivity of all my senses I would not be me. Without all of that I would not see so much, I would not understand so much and I would not love so much. The way I am is the gift that allows me to give. I am beautiful in all my complex ways; it’s as simple as that.

Sometimes I get jealous of others, of how their simplicity appeals to people, how their words can be so direct while I fiddle with my metaphors. But I was born a metaphor and such I must embrace myself. I see behind a veil that many don’t even know exists, and so my challenge has been to unveil complexity with ease. And now I am beginning to embrace ease.

My purpose here is to bring forth the secrets of the universe in the ways in which I know how. I am here to un-masque the lies we have been told and to spread the joys of truth that we hold inside of us. I am here to understand the complicated ways in which we function in order to help people unlock from their fixed states of resistance to life and bring them back into simplicity. Others have the gift of simplicity intrinsic in their being, with the purpose of helping by merely being, by shining bright with fewer questions asked.

I used to think it was a curse having to dive so deep into the dark to find the hands that needed to be held and brought back up to light. But now I see how strong it’s made me, how wonderful my gift is to be able to operate in all dimensions of life. Today I have brought myself back to simplicity, after nearly drowning in effort, contemplation and introspection; but I see it was all necessary and I am infinitely grateful for my journey. I am the paradox, simplicity and complexity combined, light and darkness united in love. I am the beautiful metaphor I was born to be; simply me.

AN EPIC BATTLE

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For an exaggeratedly long time now I have been afraid of being too much. I’ve been afraid of expressing all of me and not being understood, of being rejected for my truth. I wasn’t always aware of this lingering fear of mine since it came in disguise, in subtle ways making me compromise who I was, making me a more edited, cropped and censored version of myself, both physically and in character. It has made me silent when I felt the urge to speak and made me speak when I would rather just have stayed silent. It has made me feed my absorbed insecurities rather than boost my inborn self-confidence. It has made me listen to others when I should have listened to myself just as it has made me full of myself, deaf and stubborn, when I should’ve listened to others. So here is me embarking and completing the journey of stripping myself of this fear to become who I am.

One would think it seems obvious that we should all simply be who we are but the harsh reality of it is that this fear of simply being is one that persists in most of us, sometimes even all the way to the grave. This I refuse. Now that I’ve began acknowledging this fear it seems more and more irrational for me to continue putting in such immense effort in order to be less of myself. In hindsight I think it was the conscious choice to be more of myself that aggravated things and set the war in motion; the opposing forces within me made the state of things unsustainable and I was brought to some sort of breaking point. It is no wonder that I’ve been exhausted, pumped out of all energy with nothing left to do anything that does not contribute to the resolution of the inner conflict. I have been so busy draining myself of vitality that adding a single thing to my list of burdens, however light they might have seen, would have caused me to crumble. It’s not that I’m week and nor do I carry more than anyone else, quite contradictory I am strong and I refrain from carrying more than what lays within my direct span of responsibilities. It is rather, fortunately so (though it might seem unfortunate to the outsider at first glance) that circumstances have led me to evolve in such a way that I have been forced to prioritize. I have been pushed to truly and wisely pick my battles, or more accurately: pick my battle.

 And so, as I have been brave enough (because most of us know it truly does take courage) to go into this most crucial of battles, the one between who I am and who am not- yet who I have tried foolishly hard to be, I am gladly seeing the dawn of a ceasefire on the horizon. I realize now that ‘who I am not’ stands little to no chance at all at winning this battle of battles because, regardless of how fearful I might have been, there seems to be little to nothing at all that can possibly stop ‘who I am’ from winning this battle of battles. ‘Who I am not’ is slowly giving in more and more willingly, beat from trying to impose itself on a pure force of nature. As it turns out, ‘who I am not’ has been waiting for me give it some sort of sign that it is allowed to give up…

They say that it isn’t the darkness within that scares us the most but really our inner light that brings us most fright. Today I know this for a fact… just as I know that fear is something to be faced. So when fear has the upper hand, making us shiver from the mere thought of moving into it, let us think of it this way: facing the significant fear of truly embracing and embodying who we are really means to face, embrace and embody a pure being of light and love. Now, how scary can that really be if we don’t even think too much about it but simply feel it? Doesn’t feel too bad does it? Yet I’ve still been (and I know I’m not the only one) scared shitless to really encounter and accept this person that I am, intrinsically good and beautiful! Why? Because in some twisted way my conditioned mind had me thinking I would be too much if I didn’t hold back.

We live in a world where almost everyone does this automatically to themselves and so we too grow to learn to do the same. We dim our light and we cover up the most raw and pure bits of our being. All this as a desperate yet understandable attempt at being loved, though ironically when we do so we tell ourselves that we are not loveable just as we are. We send signals to ourselves and others that only once we are a little less of who we are and a little more of who we are not we can maybe be loved fully. Stupid isn’t it? Yes it is stupid because it is a lie, and it is a lie I’ve been longing to bust not merely in theory but also in practice. So as I am acknowledging, embracing and growing into the fullness of me, I intend to bust this lie. I am proving to both myself and others that I am loveable just as I am- uncensored and undimmed. Belittling and distorting myself further is but an act that I am growing weary of putting on.

 Suddenly, being too much doesn’t seem so scary anymore because if I can still love myself untamed and raw, I need not worry of much else. Suddenly my eyes are open to see the beauty in the pure and honest being in others as well as in myself. And following, suddenly my heart is inviting to be loved wholly by others in return. So first, I’d like to thank ‘who I am not’ for putting up such tough resistance, making the winner even more worthy than it might otherwise have been. But most of all I’d like to thank the champion of this battle of battles.

Congratulations ‘who I am’, I now surrender to you.

 You have won.

I have won. 

Small mind, Big world

IMG_6182Meaning. Purpose. Or whatever we choose to call it. That’s the key. That’s what it’s all about. At least this is my theory of what it’s all about… and also what it’s not about. 

We might all go about searching and possibly finding it differently but however I try to break it down I always end up with this sturdy common denominator, namely meaning. Also, I believe there are two aspects of meaning, one that is constructed and created by the human mind, both collectively and individually; another that simply is, which is fundamental to existence no matter what man knows or thinks of it. Consequently, the way I see it we have certain major choices in life. Either we stubbornly convince ourselves and others that our idea of meaning is unquestionably right, i.e. idealism, extremism, fanaticism, radicalism etc. or we search aimlessly for something to give us what we seem to miss within and fall in each pit that society has dug for the exhausted pursuers of happiness, i.e. addiction, consumerism, deprivation, denial. Or, we acknowledge the second aspect of meaning, which isn’t interwoven in the creation of human civilization and which lies outside of the conceptions of society yet inevitably permeates all life. This, according to my humble theory, nonetheless supported by ancient wisdom and philosophy as well as modern day science, would lead us to reevaluate the ideas and structures of our culture and furthermore create a shift in both our thinking and our living. The only reason I can think of as to why it hasn’t yet reshaped the human world we live in is that the fundamental idea of man being responsible of creating meaning still prevails and blocks the recognition of the essential meaning of life. If we remain attached to the notion that meaning is to be conceived by man we will inevitably remain stuck within the limitations of the ideas that we are able to rationally conceive. Yet if we were to drop this, somewhat egocentric, idea that we as a human race and as individuals are to decide what is meaning and what is not, we should be able to recognize that life itself has teachings that we can take note of without necessarily having to be the architects behind it.

 Understandably, this is infinitely hard. For the rational mind to drop its desire to figure everything out and to stop building up a worldview that is rationally justifiable in today’s society, it takes quite a lot of introspection. Likewise, for the lost souls whom cannot seem to settle with any given rational definition of meaning to stop looking to be distracted from their sense of lack, it takes quite a lot of courageous self-examination and determination. It takes bravery in its uttermost form to be willing to jeopardize all what we have socially learnt to be true and right in order to open oneself up to uncovering a mystery that is actively denied by so many. And more than anything it takes great faith in something beyond humanity itself, which perhaps in its nakedness is the scariest thing of all. With all do respect, I am not talking about a blind faith in sacred scriptures, profane sciences or in higher beings that we have named God, Allah, or Brahma much like characters in childlike stories that we repeat to ourselves in hopes to live meaningfully. I am talking about a limitless faith in everything that cannot be imagined by the human mind in combination with everything that is in fact perceivable to man. Man has, during his approximate 200,000 years on planet earth as a conscious being yet failed to formulate an all-encompassing truth pinpointing the reason why we exist. Still he walks around this earth as if he was the ruler of all and in the process he has made himself the enemy of all. Our desperate attempts to recreate some sort of meaning to life has mistakenly put us in a position where we contra productively deprive life of its intrinsic meaning, doing things like leading wars, exploiting our resources and all kinds of indulgence in big or small scale conflict.  

Is it so unlikely that existence itself knows better why we are all here and that existence itself is not trying to hide this reason but that we, ambitious as we have become, are drowning out its voice by overlooking the obvious? Is it so unlikely that we, socially conditioned by our own relatively short human history, are simply barking up the wrong tree? Is it so unlikely that we can experience meaning, know meaning, feel meaning and live meaning without making it up or recreating it in our minds? Is it really so unlikely? I say no, on the opposite, it is quite unlikely that there isn’t such a meaning, but instead of saying “seek and ye shall find” I’d like to say “trust and ye shall find”. Meaning. It’s here. Let’s believe it and embrace it. 

Distorted kind of love

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Their love was the distorted kind of love, but like all love, it was beautiful in essence. They thought that letting go would be a sign of weakness and lack of love, while the opposite would have been true. Letting go would enhance their love, it would move it from the distorted extreme and take it back to its center. Because that can happen to love, that it gets stolen from the heart and placed in the craving fingertips of greed, or even worse in the ugliness of the mind. All that their love really wished for was to get back home to the heart, but it happens all the time, people get confused and pure love becomes polluted by fear. So when love turns distorted, it must be released so that it stands a chance, so it will find its way back to where it belongs. But they lost faith in love, and kept it trapped where it could do no good. Now their love sings a melancholic song, waiting to be heard so that one day it may soar free and sing happily once again.

Going Back

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Going Back

From the surface to the depth

From the periphery to the center

From the future to the now

From the complex to the simple

From the illusion to the real

That is my path, whoever I am, whatever I do and wherever I go.

THE DANGER, YOU & ME

 

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I believe that one of the biggest threats to the survival of humanity and life on earth in general lies in each individual’s undermining of herself and her capability of good. By avoiding the realization of our own potential impact on the world we escape from all responsibility to right the wrongs that we as humans have done and keep on doing even today. As long as we live in the illusion of being incomplete, insignificant, separate beings we unconsciously fuel the polluting mechanism that we ourselves have created in order to somehow fill the emptiness within us to avoid feeling petty and useless (which ironically leads us to feel even more petty and useless). Because we are taught from the very beginning that we need to acquire certain external skills and possessions in order to be complete, without being told at what point in time or space these possession will actually instigate this completion of the self, we continue in a hopeless never ending hunt for exterior wealth, for excess material properties, fame, popularity, reputation etc. Sadly none of that relates to our original self-worth. When following the traditional western philosophy of life and trying to meet the expectations of our fellow sickened people we too become sick and thus keep on contributing to a sicker world.

 

Instead we should follow the instinct that is rooted deep inside of our hearts that intrinsically excludes the notion of us being egotistic separate beings and instead implies that we are endless loving unities part of a bigger whole that serves a bigger purpose than the one to fulfill our shallow wants and desires.

 

This concept isn’t very new but I think that there is a topical opportunity in our present time for a new understanding of it since we are now more than ever able to be the witnesses of our own destruction. It is now that the matter is pressing and it is now that we know what a hazard we are to our own existence. If that is not enough for us to awaken and realize our power to affect the world in an equally positive way as we have been affecting it in a negative way for the past decades, then maybe we deserve the consequences that we are and will be facing. But hopefully, as enough people step up to their inner potential rather than listening to their damaging egotistic needs, we will become a cooperating mass movement going against the already instituted polluting mechanism that is still in rolling, and eventually we’ll reverse it. For this to happen we can no longer suppose that we as individuals are not enough, that we are just one unimportant person without any real power to change anything. We need to rid ourselves from that conviction promptly for the sake of all of us and instead recognize the immensity of our potential to save the planet one by one, all together.

 

If you think you are insignificant, try sleeping with a mosquito in your room.