What happened? Life took an unexpected turn and suddenly it seems everything has changed, even I. More or less drastically and quite dramatically. How do I even begin to account for the past six months of my life? I don’t know. I know it’s been messy, and the amount of details that I’ve withheld from my dear ones is far greater than they can even imagine.
I have not killed anyone, neither have I killed myself. It seems I am still very much alive, heart beating, joints slightly aching and mind spiraling. Yes, for those whom have wondered, I am alive. And the truth is, as I seem to dance more and more intimately with death, I am starting to grasp more and more that there is no such thing. I’ve philosophized about the theoretically improbability of there being such an ending to something that is infinite in nature but I see that I must look closer if I am truly to understand the significance of my own theories and ideas. So from a traditional perspective of life, where death seems very much like the tragedy that eventually ends everything that is “I”, which is bound to happen to all, I have certainly come near this phenomena called death. Now what do I know about it? Still not much, because it seems it is a black hole that ceaselessly absorbs as well as it emanates light from which the lessons of what we call life are endless.
I realize I have only just begun venturing on what some perceive as the edge of our existence. Why the word perceive? Because existence, as I have understood it, has no edges, no boundaries, no limitations. And so, me- as an entity made of this very same boundless energy that constitutes the entire universe, am equally boundless. Again, this will make me seem like a daredevil, sometimes even crazy, because it does’t always follow the constricting ideas of societies rules on how we ought to live our lives. But see the idea that we must be controlled in our movement, restricted in our freedom, governed by another, is, I suggest, simply an expression of our own collective and individual fear of being fully responsible for the vessels we inhabit and the courses of actions we might take to create various series of consequences in the world. If we truly realized we are free in every sense of the word, it would imply that we can do anything. And that in itself leaves me rather speechless. What else do I really have to say? Personally, the thought of it does frighten me, as well as it excites me from the core for it resonates with a sense of truth that few things heard in any media nowadays.
I’ve asked myself why I’ve been unable to share my experiences more widely as I go, since I used to be able to do that. But this time has been different. I had to truly immerse myself, and be the experiences that I’ve had. It’d be different, if I turned to others to help me explain every other thing I go through. I had to just dive deep. Feel it all without understanding too much. I had to surrender to faith, which hasn’t always been easy. But this is certainly what I’m learning. Faith is a key to unlock many doors. Now that I feel I hold this key relatively safe in my hands, I am able to write again, and maybe eventually share this most powerful of experience.
I have a feeling that I am experimenting with freedom. As if I am running across the perceived borders of what reality is in order to push them farther and farther and eventually transcend the idea of them even existing. I feel as if I am sailing across what people tell me is a flat planet where my boat should be bound to tip across the edge at one point or another. But faith, is granting me the courage to keep on going. Because deep down I know very well I won’t fall off the surface of the earth. And so I keep going, with a strange feeling that I don’t really have a choice. Because the rationality of choice itself would render me to act completely different, yet I understand that these choices I make, spring from deeper or even more ascended place of myself. It is as if, the mind that I previously thought myself to be ruled by and that I honestly thought I ruled myself with, is being outplayed by a higher version of myself which has yet to be fully uncovered by this less advanced mind that I still use to navigate around in this world. Therefore, when I am asked to justify my actions- I struggle. For I deeply feel I am still in a state not too unlike limbo, where the conscious and the subconscious are not fully merged and the one is still trying to understand and shed light onto the other.
Also, I am beginning to understand more wholly that this is the whole point of things. The process of having these overlap and become one, is just what we call life. And my wild guess is that, once they are fully reunited, they will separate once again to see if there’s yet another different way to go about becoming one with the self again. That being said, I deeply feel this journey must not be judged but rather fully embraced. For what is the point if we never, at any point in this time space continuum, use our advanced ability to enjoy? If we never surrender to the journey we ourselves have set out to take? I believe it is crucial for our own benefit in this particular part of our existential ventures, to somehow surrender to what we are, where we are and everything else we experience as real in this present moment.
Now the ultimate challenge that I seem to be facing is the victim & persecutor ego, the game of blame and the feeling of powerlessness in the experiences that life entails. This very ingrained part of self is opposed to complete responsibility of “I” and highly afraid of accepting things as they are, internal as external (if there is even such separate realities that don’t end up being the other, as well as the reflection of the other). My experience is that this part of self has been neglected the light of love throughout a vast part of the history of the human being on this planet, and is desperately crying out to be heard, understood, accepted, embraced and healed in this particular moment and space, individually as well as collectively (again, if there is even such valid distinctions to be made in a world where everything is turning out to be one).
Anyways, the now is most definitely the gateway through which I believe all things can be turned upside down, a source of energy that we’ve escaped but from which we can access limitless amounts of transformative power to allow the things which weigh us down to become what helps us rise. Held in love, I have learned that all things change shape much faster than when resisted. Also, love, in my own perception, has turned out to be much, much more than what I previously thought. Though its definition seems to be broader and broader by the second, I feel there is something in its essence that will always let you know that it is indeed IT that is guiding us and flowing through us in the present moment. I have always believed that “I” am love, consequently that all that is, is love, and the mere knowing of this has allowed me to re-attune with the source of who I am in every challenging moment of life thus far.
I’ll leave it at that for now. There’s more to come… always.