I have been crying, balling, sobbing all night now. I was going to write when I stopped myself and realized words would be deficient in the overwhelmingly emotional state I was in. Then I sat down by the piano, which I have no clue how to play, and allowed my feelings to drizzle out onto its keyboard along with vocals I hadn’t at all planned for. And suddenly I found myself playing and singing a song, surprisingly beautiful too. I guess this is what love does to us. It makes us move. It makes us create. Usually I would have gone to write right away, or maybe dance for a while. But love needed me to expand even further and find more ways to express my emotions. Love does not settle. Love does not say ‘fine we’ll leave it at that and go no further’. Love pushes the boundaries, all the time. Sometimes it’s subtle, maybe because we’re fighting it or maybe because we’re not paying enough attention. But even now as I am writing I am noticing how love is pushing me to write grander and faster. Love is asking me, no not even asking but demanding me to keep on striving. Love is commanding me and moving me onward, inward, outward and in all conceivable directions. Love is not telling me to stick to what I know. Love is telling me to learn more, keep on exploring, keep on pushing, pushing and pushing. But love doesn’t mean that in a bad way. It’s not saying that what I’ve got right here isn’t enough, quite the contrary, it is telling me that everything I have right here, right in this moment, is abundant already. It is everything and more. It’s saying that what I’ve got right here and right now is precisely what I need to create the circumstances for more. Not that I need more. It is only saying all this so that I learn what more really is. More is not a concept in the future. More is what we find right here when we look into things from the angle of love. Love is more. More is one of the very many definitions of love. Love is more, and also so much more than that. Love. Love is every second of every day of every life. Love is what keeps on going. What makes us keep on going. It is the head corner stone of all life, of all movement, of all bettering, of all creation. When we move in tune with love we are dancing to the rhythm of evolution. It is an ever-flowing, endless beat that, though it keeps on going steady, never ever creates the exact same music twice. Every verse and every tune is unique, seeking to be followed by an even better one. And such is how life goes on creating itself with the help of love. Love is that gravitational force into the infinity and abundance of the moment so that we can expand effortlessly into the next. How amazing it is really. How very mind-blowing, gut wrenchingly beautiful. How genius and how magnificent. There is truly never a dull moment in life once we take note of the love that is guiding us, in its continuous managing of the resources that life entail, pushing and pulling. And to realize that we were all blessed with a heart, a living outlet for love into our otherwise so rational beings… to realize that we are vessels of this love, no matter how little or how much we are aware of it! And even better so to realize that we can actually be aware of such a brilliant phenomenon going on in and outside of ourselves, constantly and ever so stunningly. New, new, new is the song of love. And even if that seems harsh to the mind that also always sees the old passing sometimes brutally quick, it is the way life must be for it to be at all. New, new, new also means better, better, better, at least from the perspective of love, which we can all see from through our very own hearts. Move on, move forward and create, it tells me. Love loves to create; it is all it ever does. So if that means life is its stage and I am its instrument to continue doing so, I am game. I am definitely game. Will you come and play?
I am in love. I fell in love and there is no falling out of it. But I am no damsel in distress. I have fallen head over heals, yes. Truly and deeply but there’s no point in trying to catch me. Don’t you worry. It’s no silly infatuation. I am not blinded, no, I see things very clearly now. I am madly in love. I have fallen and there’s no turning back.
I am in love with life. I am so in love that these words are failing me. I love intensively. Every little crack and crease. Every little turn. Every little bump. All of it. I am in love with everything I see. Everyone I meet. Everything I touch. Everything that ever was. All that has yet to come. And mostly, I love all that is.
Every hair on my body. Every scar and every wound to come. I love the way my whole organism works together in a symphony, keeping me in one piece. Allowing me to move as a beautiful irreplaceable entirety. Especially how it allows me to dance. To feel. See. Speak. Taste. Write. All of it.
I love everything around. Everything far away in the distance and nearby. I am so in love. With every man and woman who has ever spoken a single word to me. Taken the time to get to know me. To be with me in one way or another. Intimately or completely platonic. I am so in love. So, so in love.
I am in love with the lizards. Insects. With the bees. The flowers. The clouds. The sun. And all there is, ever was and ever will be. All that- I love. I am even in love with the things that I fear. The things I can’t stand. All of it. Of course I am in love with what I love. With all that I like. All that I don’t understand and all that I do.
Oh how wonderful it is to be in love. To see so clearly. In love with my own beating heart and bewildered spirit. My cultured mind and my unique body. Also, I am in love with you. So if I haven’t already made it clear, now you should know… I love you.
Love what you don’t like
Love what you don’t understand
Love what you can’t see
Love what you see
Love what you hate
Love what makes you sad
Love what makes you wonder
Love what makes you feel
Love what makes you upset
Love what makes you angry
Love what is different
Love what is boring
Love what is joyful
Love what is
Love everything and everything will bring you love
Love with no limits and infinity will be the reward.
I used to wish I were simpler. I used to suffer from the complexity of the inner workings of my mind. I used to be hurt by the inability of others to understand the vast ocean of intricacy within me. No wonder- when I always knew I had stars in my head. It seemed simple at first but in teenage years things were not always bound to be easy when ancient wisdom was fused with hormones and deep feelings of alienation.
But I see that I was born to simplify complexity, by first of all embracing it. Without the baffling ways of my mind and the highly elevated sensitivity of all my senses I would not be me. Without all of that I would not see so much, I would not understand so much and I would not love so much. The way I am is the gift that allows me to give. I am beautiful in all my complex ways; it’s as simple as that.
Sometimes I get jealous of others, of how their simplicity appeals to people, how their words can be so direct while I fiddle with my metaphors. But I was born a metaphor and such I must embrace myself. I see behind a veil that many don’t even know exists, and so my challenge has been to unveil complexity with ease. And now I am beginning to embrace ease.
My purpose here is to bring forth the secrets of the universe in the ways in which I know how. I am here to un-masque the lies we have been told and to spread the joys of truth that we hold inside of us. I am here to understand the complicated ways in which we function in order to help people unlock from their fixed states of resistance to life and bring them back into simplicity. Others have the gift of simplicity intrinsic in their being, with the purpose of helping by merely being, by shining bright with fewer questions asked.
I used to think it was a curse having to dive so deep into the dark to find the hands that needed to be held and brought back up to light. But now I see how strong it’s made me, how wonderful my gift is to be able to operate in all dimensions of life. Today I have brought myself back to simplicity, after nearly drowning in effort, contemplation and introspection; but I see it was all necessary and I am infinitely grateful for my journey. I am the paradox, simplicity and complexity combined, light and darkness united in love. I am the beautiful metaphor I was born to be; simply me.
I felt silly at first, to think that things could have been any different. But did I really think so? Maybe I just didn’t. Maybe I’m neither surprised nor feeling like I knew what it was going to be like. Maybe I’m just not really used to this profound sense of ease. Though there is some frustration hiding somewhere. A sadness maybe…
I feel sadness because I feel how guarded the hearts that I once touched have become. But maybe they were always so guarded and I was just to infatuate to see. I do have a habit of seeing far beyond the masque that they wear. And so sometimes I forget it’s even there. And when I wake up from my loving trance I am stunned to see such unfamiliar faces on the people that I love deeply. I get the feeling that I have been brutally thrown out, cast away like a drunk from a nightclub, and all I wanted to do was just to dance. Only, I am a drunk in love within hearts that aren’t ready. Dancing and dancing.
Maybe it hurts because I was once that stone face with a brick wall around my heart, keeping everyone at a safe distance. I too tried to protect myself in the ways in which I knew how, and locked myself out of my own heart, my own unconditional love and stream of emotions. Pain can do that to people. I know that now.
So when I see their faces, acting like they never rested deep within my soul and drank from my gushing love, I am reminded of my own past pain. Pain from denying all the love that was, only to be able to move forward without showing the world how you’re limping. But I know better now. It is okay to limp. It is even okay to stop and rest for a while, to let the feelings catch up to us. To dive deep into vulnerability. To be honest. And then move on stronger, maybe even without that old limp.
But most of them don’t know this. Most of them don’t even know how to stop hiding, because they’re still hiding from themselves. Today I don’t act deceivingly merely because others do. I stay true to myself, deeply connected to my own love and flowing feelings. I know better than to fear them because they are simply always passing, like a river running through me. I am not scared. I let it flow with ease. I let it go. I am honest, vulnerable and always, always in love. I forgive myself for having once been like them. I forgive them for their brick walls and stone faces. Unaware, protective of hearts that really just long to be ripped open for love to dance freely through them. I accept and love it all. I am grateful.
I reside in my own heart. I am in love, always. Thank you.
We think that one who loves risks all
We think so because one who loves gains all
And therefore one who loves must also loose all
But we are wildly mistaken
Not because one who loves does not gain all
But rather because one who loves can never stop
So it follows that one who loves can never loose
As once our hearts have been torn open wide
They will always remember
They will never forget the marvels they knew
They will never unlearn how to cast those spells of love
Our minds on the other hand tell a different story
They say we must curl up and die a slow death
For they think that love is a thing that can be lost
But love cannot be lost
Love can only grow, it knows no other way
And when our eyes don’t see its branches blooming
Its roots are simply extending into the abyss
Stretching down to the depths of our being
Even as it seems winter ends a short-lived summer blossom
Love makes us steady and strong
Preparing for another season
One even merrier to come
Love is a tenacious being
With no dawn in time nor space
As it seems to set it also rises
Within it grows no fear
Though our minds have painted it in the colors of our horrors
But when the giant bubble bursts
And we see the sphere we used to dread
Once clothed in all our terrors, now open up its merciful gates
Not at all what it appeared to be
Merely a mind made mirage of what love ought to be
Love is really all around
Impossible to loose or even not to find
Just dare to go beyond the hurdle
And see that love is always present
But if we think we have to love at all cost
Such will be our findings
Until we learn it has no price
Love will look to be a terrible sacrifice
But since love is all, it can hardly be lost
Therefore it is simply so
That one who loves is one with all.
If the universe ever gave me a sign that it was time I revealed my full truth and identity, this ought to be it. It is staring eagerly at me as I am only now daring to even glance at it, still hesitantly giving in to its divine persuasion. It isn’t that I am unwilling, not at all. I am in fact very willing, only just finishing up the rinsing off of that last bit of old dust. I was once so heavily covered in it that one could not have guessed the colors it hid. It weighed me down, keeping me still and frozen, had me fooled that I was simply another statue in the huge collection of society’s soulless army. No, no, no. It is but the residue of that dusty fear that haunts me now. All the while there was indeed movement inside and with it came the inevitable insight that I, as much as all others, could not possibly be so faceless. If I were so robotic as I was taught to believe then how come thoughts and feelings seemed to emerge from within that did not spring from the ordinary data I was programmed to operate from? No I suspected early on that all those things that were so seldom reflected by the outside world I was restricted to perceive was not the extent of what existence deemed possible. There was always too much happening inside that no rational person within my range of acquaintances could seem to even understand. Those whom build the fences of what we ought to know as reality never quite managed to encompass all those things that my philosophical feelers had embraced at an already early age.
Luckily, now that I have stepped into a bigger portion of myself I can hear the whispers of my soul as a much louder and clearer voice of loving guidance. Once again I feel the urge to preach and to be the honest prolongation of that voice within so that others too may hear what wise messages it sends us. They were never intended only for me and thus it would be reckless of me to quiet myself, denying the world a chance to hear itself sing to the melody of its constant living flow. I am a priestess, incarnated in this body of wonders, here to widen the horizon of those whom also long to perceive what lies beyond what their eyes were previously constricted to see. I am an indigo of the starseed generation desperate to lend a hand to those whom haven’t found the courage yet to ask for it. I am a white witch and winged angel, able to see things invisible to others, able to use the magic available to us through the great portal of the now. I am a princess gifted with the ability to give and therefore eternally grateful, finally aware of my own potential to become the queen that my soul yearns to personify. If I have been silent until now it is only because I was destined to take such precautions. If I have been invisible until now it is only because I have not yet been ready to reveal the entirety of my being. Today I am not destined to remain neither silent nor invisible. Today I am ordained by the genius of the world, which my soul is one with, to stand tall and speak loud; for the one who guides me knows that my words now only speak of love and that my body shines of pure light. The one who holds me knows me to be ready and therefor I shall not doubt nor question. I have been spoken to and I shan’t be one to refuse what is being said in bright truth. Present to me are the tools of my self-realization and therefor I invite you. Come see me as I am and you may see a part of you, one that you might not have seen, one that you might fear or one that you might long for. Either way, that is the mirror which I am, complete and uncensored but full of love. Hide from me and hide from yourself, or come to me and come find that also you have the tools. Here I am, unapologetically, in all my richness, wisdom, light and loving essence. Here I am, free.
I am beginning to see now just what it is I have done for myself in this lifetime. I am beginning to understand the extent and the depth of the work that I have done with and on behalf of myself. I am beginning to allow for the seeds that I so bravely planted within to truly take root and to crack open the surface and begin to show. And with this I am beginning to acknowledge just how grateful I am for my own persistency, courage and unwavering faith. Sure, there have been moments when my mind has questioned just about everything and I have felt like giving up; I’m even sure there are many more of those moments to come. But at the end of the day I still have myself to thank for pulling myself through the tough stuff and believing in the good of all. I have stared myself in the eyes oscillating between feeling everything from and including intense self-loathing and good old unconditional love, but however dark things have sometimes tended to seem, I never forgot about light. And so finally I am truly beginning to see that I have really been there for myself through it all. I’m seeing that all past little versions of me have brought me safely to this moment, this magnificent moment we call the present. So, without of course neglecting the importance of the people who have always been around, I realize that I, more than anyone, am to thank for, for this precious moment. Just as much as I am to blame for all the times I have not acknowledged the geniality and beauty of life I am also to thank for all those other times when I actually did manage to open my eyes to the wonder of the world. Though blaming is of no purpose, I know that now, because even what we perceive as mistakes and all that we take on as guilt which wears us down has its reason too: to teach us lessons in unconditional love.
I understand it is rather rare and uncomfortable to see yourself as the hero of your own life and I suppose it is because people too seldom feel capable and too seldom are encouraged to essentially be the divine hero of their own life. I’m not saying we shouldn’t look for support and seek help, on the contrary we should definitely be more open to let others be there for us through thick and thin- but without faith in our own potential and without our own support to our self we are mere infants helplessly wandering this hazardous earth. So once we have physically grown beyond the stage of infancy we must slowly but surely metaphysically grow into our own loving parent, god or goddess. Without developing this inward support of the self we cannot yet embody the full magnitude of who we have the potential to become. Parents teach us about this, they are the examples of the loving parents that we are meant to develop within by showing us how to love us unconditionally. Though all parents, as they are people too, are flawed and make mistakes of their own, meaning they usually too have more to learn about the subject of unconditional loving, we must strive to become the better parent and learn from all given lessons. The better parent is the one who loves even more, not in a competitive way, but in a forgiving, brave, naked and vulnerable way. The better parent is the person who loves him/herself extensively through everything and who, thanks to this love, knows how to love all other beings and moments just the same way, and who dedicates his/her life to simply be an expression of that love. The better parent is he/she who forgives their own parents and all others just as he/she forgives himself for he/she understands that all things are merely different aspects of the same thing: the desire for love to express itself in one way or another.
So what do I really want to say? Well, I suppose I really just want to thank my inner parent, my divinity within, for never leaving me and for helping me get back to where I can see the bigger picture, for taking care of and comforting all my inner children who were once hurt, holding their hands until they were finally ready to leave happily and allow me to continue onto the next adventure. It is not without a big bunch of humility that I bow down to my own inner being because I for one know what resistance I have many times put up. The beauty of it is that in seeing that it is this unconditionally loving being of light within me that brought me to be- I can now peacefully merge with it. With all the gratitude my heart can bear I now surrender to my own magnificence, allowing for all the love it holds to be expressed entirely and freely through me.
Because such is the human being that she isn’t only the facilitator of love- she is love manifested.
I knew that our friendship had given me a great gift but it took me a couple of years to fully understand the width and depth of what had really been given to me that year in Ada, MN. There was no doubt that the bond that had grown between us was something special but as we were reunited for the wedding of one of us we got to feel it once more, and perhaps stronger than ever before. We got to experience what it is like to rejoice in our disparities and merge like distinctively different pieces creating one chaotic yet harmonious and whole puzzle. Coming from countries all over the world there was no guarantee that we should find each other’s company to be even enjoyable but somehow we became the same in how different we were. Amongst us there had grown an acceptance of the other that allowed the physical space between us to be of little importance as we spread back out in the world and then once again were gathered in the same place where we had once met for the very first time. Many years ago now, we had all decided to leave the safety of our homes in order to face the challenges of a new country, new school and new home which would make us grow into who we truly are. Turning our backs to security and staring fear in the face we had all hopped on the same train. With courage and faith as a common denominator there was no more need to be alike. In the realization of the similarity of our journeys we needed no longer adapt to one another nor compromise ourselves in order to fit in. As unconditional love became the platform for our friendship we learned how to forgive with ease and to be true to ourselves through any circumstances. And to this day, standing on the common ground of our differences, we unite in our uniqueness. So thank you dear friends for being true friends, for being the same but in a completely unique and special way, for being irreplaceable in your distinctiveness together with me and for uniting by being you.