CAN THIS REALLY BE?

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Can this really be? For centuries and more they hunted you down and punished you for your truth and your magical mystery. Now suddenly they seem to ask for it. They don’t fear you. They beg and plead for you to help them. They once called you a witch, chained you down, burnt you and tossed you down a cliff to see if you would fly.

 Well now you do and there they are, watching you in awe as you rise like a phoenix from the ashes of their primeval cursed fires. All along they blamed you for witchcraft and black magic when all along it was them whom used the dark forces to torture your bright soul. Your body and mind may have died over and over but your spirit persisted and here you are again, blooming, as bright as ever. The courage you have had over lifetimes is ineffable, beyond grasping and spectacularly baffling. You have withstood so much and yet you have kept coming back. You have trusted defeat to be the beginning of victory and therefor you have been resilient. Your strength is unlike many.

 The memories of your past battles stretching far back in history of mankind are imprinted in your body and today you can honor them. Today you can reveal yourself and give thanks to the courage you have showed lifetimes again and again. You have fought long and hard and beginning to see that you can finally put your sword down knowing that you mustn’t always be on guard. You have made it safely to this point in time and space and here you can finally reside in peace. You were a warrior, a princess with a blade sharpened by love. You were a healer, a goddess with hands of light. You were a speaker with a quick tongue perfected for wisdoms of the heart. Now you are all those things you ever were, just not chased and imprisoned for it. Now you are a free bird, wings spreading high and wide.

For long your roots have carved their way deep into the soil of this earth and finally the flower is in full bloom with no end in sight. Honor the wars of the past and rejoice in the peace of today. You are deserving of the goodness that is given to you at this present time, for you have fought heroically and ceaselessly. These are times of laughter, but unlike previous times these laughs will not slit you throat. As you laugh today all the wounds of your past battles are healing and finding their peace inside your everlasting soul. Like a soldier home from war, it is sometimes hard to understand that the combat is truly over. But it is time you see that you are in fact coming home and that everyone who ever saw your light and laid a hand upon you is now cheering you on, welcoming you to rest in happiness and develop freely from now on.

No one is here to hold you back anymore, and even if that is a good thing it can be a terrifying thought for one whose wings were cut by countless hateful hands. But don’t be alarmed. There is really nothing to fear and such is the truth today. It wasn’t always so but today it is and so you must accept that, just as you once accepted to fight your way through the storms. Today you have clear blue skies and a light breeze pushing you forward on your journey.

The sun shines bright upon your face and the moon pulls you wherever you need to be. She, the moon, has watched you in your darkest hours and seen you swivel your sword and stain your hands with the blood of those whom once tried to stop you. But she has also seen your grace and your caring ways when no one else could see. She, the moon, asks you to forgive yourself just as she has long ago. Him, the sun, shows you the brightness of your being and asks you not to hold it back. Rains have watered the earth and your feet have danced upon it with grace no matter what. You are the one you’ve always been, whom you’ve been punished and feared for, worshiped and loved for and whom you are now free to be. In this life you are truly unlimited. In this life you are free.

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BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

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This time nigh time dreams won’t have me. I was expecting them and perhaps that was my mistake. But something else is keeping me awake and restless. There is a wild being caged inside my chest and as much as I’d like to claim nothing really scares me anymore, the intensity of what seems to be roaring within is greater than I seem able to handle right now. I’m not one to give into fear so easily though. I am the curious typ. A wild woman. Whatever that is. I burn and I ache. But it’s all good. That’s how I shed my skin. That’s how I spread my light. So who’s trying to tame me? Why do I have a string feeling I am being domesticated by myself? In me: a pretty tamer and a beast, all at once and me.

The moon called me out tonight, brought me back out of my sleepless bed. It had so much to say to me and I was afraid to listen. The tamer, that worried little thing, was afraid to listen. The beast on the other hand, gave away a deafening weep. No wonder there was fear. The moon spoke of death and blood. Of birth. Of life untamed. Of the raw. The ugly and it’s dirty beauty. And a part of me has been rejecting it for so long. And still is. Half heartedly though. I’ve been neglecting this fight and it was about time it was brought to surface.

 They say the old ways don’t work on this new rising earth, but what does that really mean? I know what it means but I would like to know how it applies to me. To this. But then again no. That’s what I fear. The tamers voice inside of me is still pleading. “Please let me be! Let me just go on unnoticed as I always have.” I am confused. Who am I to sympathise with here? Such a petty thing it would seem. But it doesn’t feel that way at all. Of how it pains me, cuts me deep. I am not afraid of others. I am afraid of myself. Of the beast inside. I hear the judging demon, terrified of the wilderness of my untamed being. “Be cultured! Civilized. Pretty.” It tells me.

But the poor wild beast can’t possibly be all those things. The wild beast is wild. It is not meant to be all those things it is forced to be. How could I ever take sides? How am I to make a decision that seems so devastating to all parts? I know this can’t go on much longer. I must forgive myself for keeping this battle alive thus far already. I keep pushing the limits. How far can I go without having to choose? Can I keep the beast locked up for just a little while longer? No. It doesn’t seem fair. It hurts too much. But the tamer shivers with fear at the very thought of unlocking it’s cage. But I must set it free.

Dear beast, you are not like them. Pretty and domesticated. You are fury and wild. Perfectly ugly and beautiful all at once. Oh what a crazy thing to be doing. To unleash this beast. But perhaps crazier to keep you on a leash. Force of nature. Star of the wild. You too deserve my love. You have kept me sane. Where will you go now that I set you free?

Dear tamer, I hear your questions and your warnings. You predict the worst. You always have. And I understand I really do. But it doesn’t have to be so. There could be relief. The beast is no longer your burden to worry about. You have been conditioned. Terribly so. You heard them say what had to be done to gain their approval. But we no longer seek their approval. You have my love as well. And that’s all you’ll ever need. I assure you. Your work is done and you’ve done it well. I love no matter what. I really do.

Dear beauty and the beast. I love you. Both.

BEAUTIFUL METAPHOR

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I used to wish I were simpler. I used to suffer from the complexity of the inner workings of my mind. I used to be hurt by the inability of others to understand the vast ocean of intricacy within me. No wonder- when I always knew I had stars in my head. It seemed simple at first but in teenage years things were not always bound to be easy when ancient wisdom was fused with hormones and deep feelings of alienation.

 But I see that I was born to simplify complexity, by first of all embracing it. Without the baffling ways of my mind and the highly elevated sensitivity of all my senses I would not be me. Without all of that I would not see so much, I would not understand so much and I would not love so much. The way I am is the gift that allows me to give. I am beautiful in all my complex ways; it’s as simple as that.

Sometimes I get jealous of others, of how their simplicity appeals to people, how their words can be so direct while I fiddle with my metaphors. But I was born a metaphor and such I must embrace myself. I see behind a veil that many don’t even know exists, and so my challenge has been to unveil complexity with ease. And now I am beginning to embrace ease.

My purpose here is to bring forth the secrets of the universe in the ways in which I know how. I am here to un-masque the lies we have been told and to spread the joys of truth that we hold inside of us. I am here to understand the complicated ways in which we function in order to help people unlock from their fixed states of resistance to life and bring them back into simplicity. Others have the gift of simplicity intrinsic in their being, with the purpose of helping by merely being, by shining bright with fewer questions asked.

I used to think it was a curse having to dive so deep into the dark to find the hands that needed to be held and brought back up to light. But now I see how strong it’s made me, how wonderful my gift is to be able to operate in all dimensions of life. Today I have brought myself back to simplicity, after nearly drowning in effort, contemplation and introspection; but I see it was all necessary and I am infinitely grateful for my journey. I am the paradox, simplicity and complexity combined, light and darkness united in love. I am the beautiful metaphor I was born to be; simply me.

WHAT I OWE

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I owe it to myself

To no longer fear my fears

And so I must forgive

The fears that I have feared

I must forgive my fearing

For that too was my fear

 –

They had the chance to scare me

And so they did before

But now I see I’m stronger

And they stand little chance

For all I have endured now

Yet still I am so brave

 –

Forgiveness I must grant

For I didn’t always see so clear

That it was I who brought my fears

Like a heavy luggage on my back

On this voyage through life

It is time I let go and travel light

 –

I owe it to myself

To see how strong I’ve been

To see that my mistake

Was holding on to fear

And that if only I forgive now

I’ll remember how to fly

For without that heavy load

It is bound to be so easy

Just as I remember it should be

And so I give myself permission

To loosen that tight grip

And letting go of fear

BURIED ALIVE

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Dormant was the angel in me

Now she is raging

No longer sound asleep

But still tied up in chains

Who am I to hold her back?

When it seems she can’t be put down

No amnesia strong enough

To make it disappear

Her wings aching

Longing to be freed

The pain I cause this being

Of light so pure and bright

Kept in the dark

She longs for fresh air

Yet all I can acquire

Is the rotten scent of fear

No I didn’t mean to be so cruel

This was what I learned to do

Keep her down down

Do not awaken her soul

The sleeping beauty inside

Hold back

Hold back tight

Her crown is way too bright

It will blind you

Corrupt you that’s for sure

But now I know

The lies began so long ago

Perverted was my mind

By the rulers of the frightful

And only now I see

With much more clarity

Just what was really kept from me

A vision of a tortured angel

Locked in their despair

And now my ears are bleeding

For I hear much louder how

The cries they tried to drown

Of a desolate bewildered spirit

Longs for my embrace

In such agony and pain

No I refuse to say

She sings her song in vain

Even if it scares me

I intend to cut the chains

Free at last she will be

You just wait and see.

SEEING THE MIRACLE

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I see miracles all around. I see them everywhere, all the time. I see the change that is happening in the world. I see it because it is happening to me, it is happening through me. And I smile because I sense a vast growing number of people who share this blessed perspective of the world. Less and less preoccupied with the delusion of what life ought to be and more and more sensitive to what life truly is. I see people undressing from their encumbering masques, daring a little more everyday to break open and allow their inner being to lead the way and shed light. I see myself, no longer the suffering seed aching to crack in the dark of the soil but rather the simple majestic flower happily facing the sun and swaying in the wind. I see this happening and I am astounded. I hear of the tragedies in the world but in my eyes none can seem to overshadow the positive changes taking place in the sacred space of this present time. Concept of past and future is trickling away as everything becomes a simultaneous process of evolution, an unstoppable growth into yet unknown dimension. Every moment is that miracle, bursting with overflowing love for all to indulge in unapologetically. Yes I see it all now. I see miracles all around me and it brings an infinite smile to my being. I bow down to the divinity around and within, gratefully accepting this gift that keeps on giving. And this is how I give back, by never aiming to impede this magical development of life force but by being its very vessel and honest reflection. I am the change, and therefore I receive. I am the miracle, and therefore I am thankful. I see miracles all around. I see them everywhere, all the time.

Small mind, Big world

IMG_6182Meaning. Purpose. Or whatever we choose to call it. That’s the key. That’s what it’s all about. At least this is my theory of what it’s all about… and also what it’s not about. 

We might all go about searching and possibly finding it differently but however I try to break it down I always end up with this sturdy common denominator, namely meaning. Also, I believe there are two aspects of meaning, one that is constructed and created by the human mind, both collectively and individually; another that simply is, which is fundamental to existence no matter what man knows or thinks of it. Consequently, the way I see it we have certain major choices in life. Either we stubbornly convince ourselves and others that our idea of meaning is unquestionably right, i.e. idealism, extremism, fanaticism, radicalism etc. or we search aimlessly for something to give us what we seem to miss within and fall in each pit that society has dug for the exhausted pursuers of happiness, i.e. addiction, consumerism, deprivation, denial. Or, we acknowledge the second aspect of meaning, which isn’t interwoven in the creation of human civilization and which lies outside of the conceptions of society yet inevitably permeates all life. This, according to my humble theory, nonetheless supported by ancient wisdom and philosophy as well as modern day science, would lead us to reevaluate the ideas and structures of our culture and furthermore create a shift in both our thinking and our living. The only reason I can think of as to why it hasn’t yet reshaped the human world we live in is that the fundamental idea of man being responsible of creating meaning still prevails and blocks the recognition of the essential meaning of life. If we remain attached to the notion that meaning is to be conceived by man we will inevitably remain stuck within the limitations of the ideas that we are able to rationally conceive. Yet if we were to drop this, somewhat egocentric, idea that we as a human race and as individuals are to decide what is meaning and what is not, we should be able to recognize that life itself has teachings that we can take note of without necessarily having to be the architects behind it.

 Understandably, this is infinitely hard. For the rational mind to drop its desire to figure everything out and to stop building up a worldview that is rationally justifiable in today’s society, it takes quite a lot of introspection. Likewise, for the lost souls whom cannot seem to settle with any given rational definition of meaning to stop looking to be distracted from their sense of lack, it takes quite a lot of courageous self-examination and determination. It takes bravery in its uttermost form to be willing to jeopardize all what we have socially learnt to be true and right in order to open oneself up to uncovering a mystery that is actively denied by so many. And more than anything it takes great faith in something beyond humanity itself, which perhaps in its nakedness is the scariest thing of all. With all do respect, I am not talking about a blind faith in sacred scriptures, profane sciences or in higher beings that we have named God, Allah, or Brahma much like characters in childlike stories that we repeat to ourselves in hopes to live meaningfully. I am talking about a limitless faith in everything that cannot be imagined by the human mind in combination with everything that is in fact perceivable to man. Man has, during his approximate 200,000 years on planet earth as a conscious being yet failed to formulate an all-encompassing truth pinpointing the reason why we exist. Still he walks around this earth as if he was the ruler of all and in the process he has made himself the enemy of all. Our desperate attempts to recreate some sort of meaning to life has mistakenly put us in a position where we contra productively deprive life of its intrinsic meaning, doing things like leading wars, exploiting our resources and all kinds of indulgence in big or small scale conflict.  

Is it so unlikely that existence itself knows better why we are all here and that existence itself is not trying to hide this reason but that we, ambitious as we have become, are drowning out its voice by overlooking the obvious? Is it so unlikely that we, socially conditioned by our own relatively short human history, are simply barking up the wrong tree? Is it so unlikely that we can experience meaning, know meaning, feel meaning and live meaning without making it up or recreating it in our minds? Is it really so unlikely? I say no, on the opposite, it is quite unlikely that there isn’t such a meaning, but instead of saying “seek and ye shall find” I’d like to say “trust and ye shall find”. Meaning. It’s here. Let’s believe it and embrace it. 

Who I am

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I know who I am now. I am a force beyond the thinkable. I am an old soul on my way home after a long journey. Coming home is always bittersweet. It is hard but so very beautiful too. I have been wandering for a long time now and even though this might not be precisely the last of my destinations I can sense this voyage is coming to an end some time soon and I am coming home. It is with immense gratefulness that I look back upon my journey, even though I’m not quite sure exactly where I have been. What matters most is where I am right now and this, this is a good place and all I know is that I have my past to thank for this moment. Regarding the future, I have no more worries. I have come this far and I trust that life won’t give up on me until all my duties are fulfilled on this earth. It is a dark place many times but I am determined to shed as much of my light as I possibly can to help guide my fellow humans on their wearying travels throughout life. I have no choice but to believe it is possible because it was possible for me. I’ve been spinning in a wheel of despair only to find a little hope to bring me out of the shadows of my own existence. I have been thrown into the same miserable maze time after time only to get a little closer to the end each and every time. Life doesn’t give up on us- that is one thing I know. We always get another chance, even if it’s in a new mind and body or simply the same after a good night sleep. Heck, every second is a second chance. So if we are brave enough to set sail and just hang in there, if we never give up, we will come home. It is important to remember that the journey is a blessing even if it’s tiresome. And it is also important not to get lost on the journey by loosing faith but to trust that we are in fact always on our way home and that home is an even higher blessing. Now know this: we can never really come home if we’ve never been away.

NOW YOU KNOW

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 You ask me questions but I have learned they are yours and not mine; therefor I need not to answer them as you wish them to be answered.

I will not tell you the lies you hoped for but in their place I will respectfully hand you the answers that reveal my truth.

I tell you this not with certainty but with courage, not with pride but with humility, and not with vanity but with love.

So if you shall ask, now you know.

a journey

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Take a deep breath and imagine how all of your thoughts pour out through your exhalation. Picture yourself with a clear mind, no clutter, just harmony. Now let that harmony spread throughout your body, from head to toe. Then let the atoms of your body slowly part from each other and imagine how they dissolve into thin air. You are no longer you but what is left of you is only little scattered cells that have joined in with other particles of this world. One tiny part of you becomes a grain of sand on a beach by the Caribbean ocean, another part becomes a snowflake slowly falling towards the icy ground of the Antarctic and another becomes a distant star in a different galaxy that the old you didn’t even knew existed.

There are little bits of you scattered around the universe and you become aware of them all. You can feel everything from the breeze in the Sahara desert while the sun is setting to the earth cracking open where a volcano is about to erupt. You can feel everything at once, right in this moment. You can feel it all without disrupting the harmony because your mind has dispersed and can no longer interrupt by translating those feelings into language and codes of interpretation and judgment. You realize with this sensation that no matter what, everything is as it is and little by little this starts to amaze you. All those little parts that once were your body are now becoming aware of themselves and are beginning to understand the beauty in the simple fact that they exist in this whole system of particles. It’s as if all those particles now have gotten eyes of their own and yet they don’t ask any questions. All they can feel is gratitude. They feel gratitude because they cannot understand everything through reasoning but they can understand it simply through being. You recognize the sensation; it’s almost like love.

Now let all those particles join back together, build you back up and shift your attention to the wholeness of your body again. Let your body remember the journey of every single cell and every atom but acknowledge that they are in fact now part of you. What can they teach you? How are you different from them? Who are you?