Reading the signs

bloganto

These days are powerful indeed. The moon has been conspiring to make things happen for a while now and it’s all making itself felt. Yesterday I proclaimed myself ready, as ready as I’ll ever be. This is indeed a time to trust yourself in the ways you have dreamed to create the reality you perceive. I’ve always been a dreamer, and honestly, whoever says they’re not are just not fully aware of how they too are dreaming up their own world, however mundane it may seem. I saw a ladybug yesterday, and then today I saw a chipmunk. Understanding that the world communicates with itself in mysterious ways I decided to look up the symbolism of these two animals as totems. On this International Women’s day, at exactly 11.11 I read “If you see a ladybug and a chipmunk together,magic is in the air, you can be sure the universe is conspiring on your behalf in serendipitous ways”. And so, I remain a dreamer. I remain in love with myself, in full faith of what I myself as co-creator of my reality have destined for myself. I’ll make my wish explicit. I wish for my voice to be heard, to echo through this world with all the love that it holds. I wish to reveal myself as the soul that I am and share the happiness that I have found to be so persistent throughout all my endeavors and challenges on this mighty planet. I wish to indulge in the pleasures of creativity and inspire the world as it has inspired me. I wish to walk this path with full confident and peace, never doubting the importance and purity of my every move. I wish to sing with full force the songs that resonate in my soul and of those around me, dance freely to the music that is in me with all of those who wish to join, bleed ink into words as if there was no tomorrow for all who wish to read, speak loudly for all who wish to hear the stories that have molded my being, smile and laugh with innocence at everything that comes my way. I wish to shine the light that I am for everyone to see themselves in me, and for me to see myself in all. I wish for balanced companionship, harmony, simplicity and joy, for abundance of love, ascending evolution manifested in all. I wish to be me, beautiful, limitless and entirely free, to vibrate the language of bliss wherever I go, to ripple out all that I am with the pure intent of being touched right back by all that I am. This is my wish. I am grateful. I am love. I am me. I am free. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. -A

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IMAGINE

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For a second now, imagine you could let go of everything that’s ever troubled you in the past and that the only attitude towards what has been and which now serves you is gratitude. Then imagine that there is absolutely nothing you need to worry about for the future and that the only thing your future depends upon is you being present here and now. Now notice the heavy giant load of things that just disappeared from your mind and understand how all that was making you blind to what you now perceive as you are being fully present in this specific moment. Notice how you are still alive and functioning though you are not chewing on the past as if it were non-disposable gum nor planning for the future as if your life depended on it. Notice that you’re still breathing, that your mind is clearing up and that your every little actions are becoming conscious and thus much more effective. Now see if you can discern the story that has conditioned you to escape this precious moment by trying to find false refuge in memories and expectations. Are you not very alive at the moment? What has led you to avoid this so much? And can you feel that whatever it is, it does not resonate with truth as you sit consciously in this now? Can you see that this moment is the source of all life and that this is where we need to be in order to survive harmoniously on this earth? Can you see?

FREE LOVE

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Since I can remember, I have loved. I have loved deeply and without reason. But over and over, in this endless cycle of learning I have allowed fears to be imposed upon the way I love. And so love has been hurtful. People around me, in their effort to help me, have told me countless times to “forget about him”, “get over him” or “you’re too good for him anyways!” and so… I have listened to them and repeated those things to myself until I believed it too. And that’s how I came to live the most painful lie of all: to live as if I didn’t love, as if I didn’t love myself. Instead of seeing every rejection as a place in me that I needed to nurture with my own love, I mistakenly saw it as an unlovable dark spot forever deprived of light. 

Until… it hurt too much too handle. Because, somewhere inside of me, I knew that regardless of the rejections, the conflicts or distances- it never meant the love wasn’t there. And neither did it mean that I wasn’t entitled to still love the way I felt I really did. This immense gift of loving through it all, was something I desperately began to protect myself from thinking IT was the cause of all my pain. Little did I know it was just that mindset that caused me to hurt the most… 

The biggest mistake us humans do is to deem it wrong to love. The greatest pain we can inflict upon others and ourselves is done by holding back the love we have and are. It is so simple really. Everything that we are is energy in vibration and that energy is set in motion thanks to the gravitational pull we call love. Love creates motion, which causes emotion and in turn that is what stirs the process of evolution. 

It is so simple really. And all this time, everything we’ve ever done wrong, has always been about undermining love. As soon as we forget about it, shut it out or restrict it in one way or another… things become complicated. 

And it hurts. But that’s not always a bad thing, because we tend to learn a lot from the pain and the complicated as well. But at some point we must realize that what we are to truly learn isn’t all that complicated. It’s love. We are to learn about love. I’ve realized it over and over again but somehow I needed some more homework and made things complicated for myself anyways. And so, with every time I have fallen head over heals or simply felt a strong pull towards someone, the thing that has hurt me the most is that persistent thought of “I shouldn’t” or “I can’t”. That stubborn little thing we call fear that springs right from that (not always so) amazing ability to think critically. 

Whenever we tell ourselves such things, we build a fort around our precious love and we become very lonely and thus more or less miserable. And then, everything becomes about defending those walls, keeping us busy, getting over it and blablabla. No. I will not settle for a life of distraction. I’m way too sensitive to survive such masochism anyways. For me, it’s beyond the point of choosing. If I am to continue living, I must also be free to love. And I mean love. Really love. I mean no boundaries, like love really is. 

I can’t say I won’t do this or I won’t do that because love- the universal law that rules me- does not work that way. We have the ability to rationalize and rationalize but with this gift of the mind we can only go so far. It is only with the force of love that we may go beyond the limits that our rationality perceives. It is our lesson to learn to expand beyond the boundaries we have set up for ourselves. We must see the imprisonment of our emotions that is inhibiting us from being free individuals in a limitless united collectivity. Once we expand with love we will see there are no rules. 

We may have needed moral codes and rational social control back when we hadn’t yet evolved so far in our ability to love, but now that we have- the next step must be to move beyond those codes and restraints. We can trust ourselves to be free if we live in accordance with love. Hurt and pain only derives from depriving ourselves of the right to be happy and free. Happiness is just another word to describe what happens when we let go of our fears, of our inhibitions. Happiness is when we choose to be free to exercise love. Isn’t that a human right? Isn’t that all that history seems to have taught us? That love conquers all? That we all have the right to love freely? No matter the circumstances? No matter what the mind fears might happen or deems inappropriate? 

We must love and we must love freely. It is really about time we rid ourselves of our self-inflicted pain and constraints and about time we opened our hearts to the infinite amount of love that is accessible to us.  About time we began to exercise that love without trying to control it. I once wrote, in a state of gut-wrenching heart ache over a secret crush, that love is like a wild horse, tormenting and terrifying when in captivity, but when it is freed, galloping majestically across a limitless open field… that is when it is truly home. And with lessons taught over and over, I have learned this one thing: the ultimate declaration of love to myself is to set myself free. And whatever thatmeans, I am ready to find out.

A heart can never truly break, but only the walls we built around it.

THE RABBIT HOLE

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If you are looking for the easy way out, searching for a quick fix, I’ll tell you- you have come to the wrong place.

This door might be wide open, but it leads you down the rabbit whole.

To me it’s all the same though, I’ve been there many times.

But I warn you if you choose to enter, be prepared and let it all just go.

Let the brick walls of your mind collapse and your soul spiral away.

Be as open as the door that let you in.

Because if you are not, and you choose to see only what your mind was set to see, you will be fiercly blinded.

And more than that, the hole in which you fall will as bottomless as you expect.

And so your fears will keep extending, into that infinite black hole.

But if you come here looking for truth, prepared with all your courage, faith and love, then please my love- do enter.

And you shall see that as you fall you rise up high, and the pit you feared to enter is one with great reward.

And so long you keep your eyes wide open, no beauty shall be lost.

For if you trust and know your heart, you’ll know to love confusion as a deeply crucial part. 

COULD YOU BE YOU?

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It’s easy to judge honesty. Of course it is. Because honesty, uncensored and raw, brings out fear in us. It awakens the secrets we have buried deep down. It makes the corpses of our lies twist and turn in their well dug graves. It stirs confusion within our organized illusions. It reminds us of our nakedness and vulnerability. It reminds us of the masques we forgot we even wore. It makes us ask questions we forgot we even had the answers to…

and so I ask in the name of truth, and appeal upon the judge inside of me and you:

You call me crazy, but would you have the courage to live as freely as I do?

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You call me lazy, but would you have the patience to let the mysteries unfold all the way?
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You call me naive, but would you have the faith to believe the truth once it’s there, right in front of you?
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You call me morbid, but would you have the strength to face the fears and feel the feelings that lirk inside the darkest of caves?
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You call me spoilt, but would you really have the gratitude to accept such abundance?
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You call me foolish, but would you have the love to give so thoughtlessly?
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You call me a reckless, but would you have the passion to burn so bright?
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You can call me anything you wish, but would you be able to be me? Would you have the guts and the heart to live my life as fully as I? To be present, bare footed on the earth I walk upon, every moment of every day, to watch the birds fly and hear them sing, to sit and breathe with the whispers of the wind, to have your thoughts and feelings dance with the noise of roaring boats in the distance, walk with the beams of the sun upon your scarred face? Could you do that and know that all is as it should be, that this is life, perfectly imperfect, nothing more nothing less? Could you write these sentences and smile as heartfelt as I?
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Could you be you, as honestly as I am me?
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If so, I salute you. For I know the strenght, the courage, the love, the patience, the passion, the gratitude and the faith it takes to be me and live in this everlasting moment of change. So if you do too, I salute you.

ALREADY HOME

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We rise up towards the sky

Wings piercing through layers of clouds

Shades of blue shifting

Turning Darker

Voices speaking

A steady hum

We are moving

Constantly

Full speed ahead

We are going home

Yet we are already home

Always

Wherever we are

Always home.

ALLEGIANCE TO UTOPIA

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Hey. I really don’t mean to ruin your day but… then again, maybe I do. Because honestly I can’t really afford to stop and worry about what you will think of me. It isn’t the biggest of my problems. I have to ruin your day. Because maybe that’s what it takes for you to put your day in perspective, to understand what a day really is. Because as you prepare for this new day as if it were just an ordinary day, one in a seemingly endless row of days cramped with unprocessed emotional residue from the past, fatal things are happening. The residue causes unconscious behavior further motivated by an unachievable future ideal that has been imprinted in your mind by society, and all the while… humanity is, not so slowly anymore, committing mass suicide. Every minute, heck, every second that we spend either stuck in the past or escaping to the future through our minds, we miss a chance at individual and collective redemption and instead contribute to the growth of dysfunction in ourselves and the world. Each and every one of us is responsible for the restoration of balance within us in order to create that balance in the world around us as well. We need to realize this with the sense of urgency that is required for us to act upon it as quickly as possible. Every moment is a battle between the forces and it is in our hands to even things out and reinstate harmony in the world. It is doable but it necessitates our full conviction and dedication. I pledge allegiance to the utopian reality that is available to us through enlightenment and love in every present moment. Will you too?

CAN THIS REALLY BE?

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Can this really be? For centuries and more they hunted you down and punished you for your truth and your magical mystery. Now suddenly they seem to ask for it. They don’t fear you. They beg and plead for you to help them. They once called you a witch, chained you down, burnt you and tossed you down a cliff to see if you would fly.

 Well now you do and there they are, watching you in awe as you rise like a phoenix from the ashes of their primeval cursed fires. All along they blamed you for witchcraft and black magic when all along it was them whom used the dark forces to torture your bright soul. Your body and mind may have died over and over but your spirit persisted and here you are again, blooming, as bright as ever. The courage you have had over lifetimes is ineffable, beyond grasping and spectacularly baffling. You have withstood so much and yet you have kept coming back. You have trusted defeat to be the beginning of victory and therefor you have been resilient. Your strength is unlike many.

 The memories of your past battles stretching far back in history of mankind are imprinted in your body and today you can honor them. Today you can reveal yourself and give thanks to the courage you have showed lifetimes again and again. You have fought long and hard and beginning to see that you can finally put your sword down knowing that you mustn’t always be on guard. You have made it safely to this point in time and space and here you can finally reside in peace. You were a warrior, a princess with a blade sharpened by love. You were a healer, a goddess with hands of light. You were a speaker with a quick tongue perfected for wisdoms of the heart. Now you are all those things you ever were, just not chased and imprisoned for it. Now you are a free bird, wings spreading high and wide.

For long your roots have carved their way deep into the soil of this earth and finally the flower is in full bloom with no end in sight. Honor the wars of the past and rejoice in the peace of today. You are deserving of the goodness that is given to you at this present time, for you have fought heroically and ceaselessly. These are times of laughter, but unlike previous times these laughs will not slit you throat. As you laugh today all the wounds of your past battles are healing and finding their peace inside your everlasting soul. Like a soldier home from war, it is sometimes hard to understand that the combat is truly over. But it is time you see that you are in fact coming home and that everyone who ever saw your light and laid a hand upon you is now cheering you on, welcoming you to rest in happiness and develop freely from now on.

No one is here to hold you back anymore, and even if that is a good thing it can be a terrifying thought for one whose wings were cut by countless hateful hands. But don’t be alarmed. There is really nothing to fear and such is the truth today. It wasn’t always so but today it is and so you must accept that, just as you once accepted to fight your way through the storms. Today you have clear blue skies and a light breeze pushing you forward on your journey.

The sun shines bright upon your face and the moon pulls you wherever you need to be. She, the moon, has watched you in your darkest hours and seen you swivel your sword and stain your hands with the blood of those whom once tried to stop you. But she has also seen your grace and your caring ways when no one else could see. She, the moon, asks you to forgive yourself just as she has long ago. Him, the sun, shows you the brightness of your being and asks you not to hold it back. Rains have watered the earth and your feet have danced upon it with grace no matter what. You are the one you’ve always been, whom you’ve been punished and feared for, worshiped and loved for and whom you are now free to be. In this life you are truly unlimited. In this life you are free.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

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This time nigh time dreams won’t have me. I was expecting them and perhaps that was my mistake. But something else is keeping me awake and restless. There is a wild being caged inside my chest and as much as I’d like to claim nothing really scares me anymore, the intensity of what seems to be roaring within is greater than I seem able to handle right now. I’m not one to give into fear so easily though. I am the curious typ. A wild woman. Whatever that is. I burn and I ache. But it’s all good. That’s how I shed my skin. That’s how I spread my light. So who’s trying to tame me? Why do I have a string feeling I am being domesticated by myself? In me: a pretty tamer and a beast, all at once and me.

The moon called me out tonight, brought me back out of my sleepless bed. It had so much to say to me and I was afraid to listen. The tamer, that worried little thing, was afraid to listen. The beast on the other hand, gave away a deafening weep. No wonder there was fear. The moon spoke of death and blood. Of birth. Of life untamed. Of the raw. The ugly and it’s dirty beauty. And a part of me has been rejecting it for so long. And still is. Half heartedly though. I’ve been neglecting this fight and it was about time it was brought to surface.

 They say the old ways don’t work on this new rising earth, but what does that really mean? I know what it means but I would like to know how it applies to me. To this. But then again no. That’s what I fear. The tamers voice inside of me is still pleading. “Please let me be! Let me just go on unnoticed as I always have.” I am confused. Who am I to sympathise with here? Such a petty thing it would seem. But it doesn’t feel that way at all. Of how it pains me, cuts me deep. I am not afraid of others. I am afraid of myself. Of the beast inside. I hear the judging demon, terrified of the wilderness of my untamed being. “Be cultured! Civilized. Pretty.” It tells me.

But the poor wild beast can’t possibly be all those things. The wild beast is wild. It is not meant to be all those things it is forced to be. How could I ever take sides? How am I to make a decision that seems so devastating to all parts? I know this can’t go on much longer. I must forgive myself for keeping this battle alive thus far already. I keep pushing the limits. How far can I go without having to choose? Can I keep the beast locked up for just a little while longer? No. It doesn’t seem fair. It hurts too much. But the tamer shivers with fear at the very thought of unlocking it’s cage. But I must set it free.

Dear beast, you are not like them. Pretty and domesticated. You are fury and wild. Perfectly ugly and beautiful all at once. Oh what a crazy thing to be doing. To unleash this beast. But perhaps crazier to keep you on a leash. Force of nature. Star of the wild. You too deserve my love. You have kept me sane. Where will you go now that I set you free?

Dear tamer, I hear your questions and your warnings. You predict the worst. You always have. And I understand I really do. But it doesn’t have to be so. There could be relief. The beast is no longer your burden to worry about. You have been conditioned. Terribly so. You heard them say what had to be done to gain their approval. But we no longer seek their approval. You have my love as well. And that’s all you’ll ever need. I assure you. Your work is done and you’ve done it well. I love no matter what. I really do.

Dear beauty and the beast. I love you. Both.

INTIMATE STRANGERS

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I felt silly at first, to think that things could have been any different. But did I really think so? Maybe I just didn’t. Maybe I’m neither surprised nor feeling like I knew what it was going to be like. Maybe I’m just not really used to this profound sense of ease. Though there is some frustration hiding somewhere. A sadness maybe…

 I feel sadness because I feel how guarded the hearts that I once touched have become. But maybe they were always so guarded and I was just to infatuate to see. I do have a habit of seeing far beyond the masque that they wear. And so sometimes I forget it’s even there. And when I wake up from my loving trance I am stunned to see such unfamiliar faces on the people that I love deeply. I get the feeling that I have been brutally thrown out, cast away like a drunk from a nightclub, and all I wanted to do was just to dance. Only, I am a drunk in love within hearts that aren’t ready. Dancing and dancing.

 Maybe it hurts because I was once that stone face with a brick wall around my heart, keeping everyone at a safe distance. I too tried to protect myself in the ways in which I knew how, and locked myself out of my own heart, my own unconditional love and stream of emotions. Pain can do that to people. I know that now.

 So when I see their faces, acting like they never rested deep within my soul and drank from my gushing love, I am reminded of my own past pain. Pain from denying all the love that was, only to be able to move forward without showing the world how you’re limping. But I know better now. It is okay to limp. It is even okay to stop and rest for a while, to let the feelings catch up to us. To dive deep into vulnerability. To be honest. And then move on stronger, maybe even without that old limp.

But most of them don’t know this. Most of them don’t even know how to stop hiding, because they’re still hiding from themselves. Today I don’t act deceivingly merely because others do. I stay true to myself, deeply connected to my own love and flowing feelings. I know better than to fear them because they are simply always passing, like a river running through me. I am not scared. I let it flow with ease. I let it go. I am honest, vulnerable and always, always in love. I forgive myself for having once been like them. I forgive them for their brick walls and stone faces. Unaware, protective of hearts that really just long to be ripped open for love to dance freely through them. I accept and love it all. I am grateful.

I reside in my own heart. I am in love, always. Thank you.