COULD YOU BE YOU?

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It’s easy to judge honesty. Of course it is. Because honesty, uncensored and raw, brings out fear in us. It awakens the secrets we have buried deep down. It makes the corpses of our lies twist and turn in their well dug graves. It stirs confusion within our organized illusions. It reminds us of our nakedness and vulnerability. It reminds us of the masques we forgot we even wore. It makes us ask questions we forgot we even had the answers to…

and so I ask in the name of truth, and appeal upon the judge inside of me and you:

You call me crazy, but would you have the courage to live as freely as I do?

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You call me lazy, but would you have the patience to let the mysteries unfold all the way?
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You call me naive, but would you have the faith to believe the truth once it’s there, right in front of you?
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You call me morbid, but would you have the strength to face the fears and feel the feelings that lirk inside the darkest of caves?
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You call me spoilt, but would you really have the gratitude to accept such abundance?
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You call me foolish, but would you have the love to give so thoughtlessly?
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You call me a reckless, but would you have the passion to burn so bright?
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You can call me anything you wish, but would you be able to be me? Would you have the guts and the heart to live my life as fully as I? To be present, bare footed on the earth I walk upon, every moment of every day, to watch the birds fly and hear them sing, to sit and breathe with the whispers of the wind, to have your thoughts and feelings dance with the noise of roaring boats in the distance, walk with the beams of the sun upon your scarred face? Could you do that and know that all is as it should be, that this is life, perfectly imperfect, nothing more nothing less? Could you write these sentences and smile as heartfelt as I?
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Could you be you, as honestly as I am me?
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If so, I salute you. For I know the strenght, the courage, the love, the patience, the passion, the gratitude and the faith it takes to be me and live in this everlasting moment of change. So if you do too, I salute you.
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SONG OF TRUTH

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Imagination is the little sister

The one that no one dares truly listen to

When she sings her tales of truth

As her older brother speaks much too loud

Of comforting lies they willingly buy

He too doesn’t know of what he tells them

Imitating the echoes of his parents so numb

Who weren’t always so

But learnt to quickly to succumb

Cultured apes in masses

Amongst whom so few seem to hear the whisper

The little sister’s stories

And her heaps of honest metaphors

She hands them out like candy

But they are chewed and spit like gum

In and out she watches

As they stubbornly proceed

Listening to the disorienting buzz

The one of big old brother

She sees it over and over again

Them shaking their heads at what she has to say

But she persists

As she knows no other way

Keeps on singing until one sings along

Until she is no longer falsely accused of lying

Until they finally learn

To believe.

AN EPIC BATTLE

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For an exaggeratedly long time now I have been afraid of being too much. I’ve been afraid of expressing all of me and not being understood, of being rejected for my truth. I wasn’t always aware of this lingering fear of mine since it came in disguise, in subtle ways making me compromise who I was, making me a more edited, cropped and censored version of myself, both physically and in character. It has made me silent when I felt the urge to speak and made me speak when I would rather just have stayed silent. It has made me feed my absorbed insecurities rather than boost my inborn self-confidence. It has made me listen to others when I should have listened to myself just as it has made me full of myself, deaf and stubborn, when I should’ve listened to others. So here is me embarking and completing the journey of stripping myself of this fear to become who I am.

One would think it seems obvious that we should all simply be who we are but the harsh reality of it is that this fear of simply being is one that persists in most of us, sometimes even all the way to the grave. This I refuse. Now that I’ve began acknowledging this fear it seems more and more irrational for me to continue putting in such immense effort in order to be less of myself. In hindsight I think it was the conscious choice to be more of myself that aggravated things and set the war in motion; the opposing forces within me made the state of things unsustainable and I was brought to some sort of breaking point. It is no wonder that I’ve been exhausted, pumped out of all energy with nothing left to do anything that does not contribute to the resolution of the inner conflict. I have been so busy draining myself of vitality that adding a single thing to my list of burdens, however light they might have seen, would have caused me to crumble. It’s not that I’m week and nor do I carry more than anyone else, quite contradictory I am strong and I refrain from carrying more than what lays within my direct span of responsibilities. It is rather, fortunately so (though it might seem unfortunate to the outsider at first glance) that circumstances have led me to evolve in such a way that I have been forced to prioritize. I have been pushed to truly and wisely pick my battles, or more accurately: pick my battle.

 And so, as I have been brave enough (because most of us know it truly does take courage) to go into this most crucial of battles, the one between who I am and who am not- yet who I have tried foolishly hard to be, I am gladly seeing the dawn of a ceasefire on the horizon. I realize now that ‘who I am not’ stands little to no chance at all at winning this battle of battles because, regardless of how fearful I might have been, there seems to be little to nothing at all that can possibly stop ‘who I am’ from winning this battle of battles. ‘Who I am not’ is slowly giving in more and more willingly, beat from trying to impose itself on a pure force of nature. As it turns out, ‘who I am not’ has been waiting for me give it some sort of sign that it is allowed to give up…

They say that it isn’t the darkness within that scares us the most but really our inner light that brings us most fright. Today I know this for a fact… just as I know that fear is something to be faced. So when fear has the upper hand, making us shiver from the mere thought of moving into it, let us think of it this way: facing the significant fear of truly embracing and embodying who we are really means to face, embrace and embody a pure being of light and love. Now, how scary can that really be if we don’t even think too much about it but simply feel it? Doesn’t feel too bad does it? Yet I’ve still been (and I know I’m not the only one) scared shitless to really encounter and accept this person that I am, intrinsically good and beautiful! Why? Because in some twisted way my conditioned mind had me thinking I would be too much if I didn’t hold back.

We live in a world where almost everyone does this automatically to themselves and so we too grow to learn to do the same. We dim our light and we cover up the most raw and pure bits of our being. All this as a desperate yet understandable attempt at being loved, though ironically when we do so we tell ourselves that we are not loveable just as we are. We send signals to ourselves and others that only once we are a little less of who we are and a little more of who we are not we can maybe be loved fully. Stupid isn’t it? Yes it is stupid because it is a lie, and it is a lie I’ve been longing to bust not merely in theory but also in practice. So as I am acknowledging, embracing and growing into the fullness of me, I intend to bust this lie. I am proving to both myself and others that I am loveable just as I am- uncensored and undimmed. Belittling and distorting myself further is but an act that I am growing weary of putting on.

 Suddenly, being too much doesn’t seem so scary anymore because if I can still love myself untamed and raw, I need not worry of much else. Suddenly my eyes are open to see the beauty in the pure and honest being in others as well as in myself. And following, suddenly my heart is inviting to be loved wholly by others in return. So first, I’d like to thank ‘who I am not’ for putting up such tough resistance, making the winner even more worthy than it might otherwise have been. But most of all I’d like to thank the champion of this battle of battles.

Congratulations ‘who I am’, I now surrender to you.

 You have won.

I have won. 

The one to always be there, the one to become

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I am beginning to see now just what it is I have done for myself in this lifetime. I am beginning to understand the extent and the depth of the work that I have done with and on behalf of myself. I am beginning to allow for the seeds that I so bravely planted within to truly take root and to crack open the surface and begin to show. And with this I am beginning to acknowledge just how grateful I am for my own persistency, courage and unwavering faith. Sure, there have been moments when my mind has questioned just about everything and I have felt like giving up; I’m even sure there are many more of those moments to come. But at the end of the day I still have myself to thank for pulling myself through the tough stuff and believing in the good of all. I have stared myself in the eyes oscillating between feeling everything from and including intense self-loathing and good old unconditional love, but however dark things have sometimes tended to seem, I never forgot about light. And so finally I am truly beginning to see that I have really been there for myself through it all. I’m seeing that all past little versions of me have brought me safely to this moment, this magnificent moment we call the present. So, without of course neglecting the importance of the people who have always been around, I realize that I, more than anyone, am to thank for, for this precious moment. Just as much as I am to blame for all the times I have not acknowledged the geniality and beauty of life I am also to thank for all those other times when I actually did manage to open my eyes to the wonder of the world. Though blaming is of no purpose, I know that now, because even what we perceive as mistakes and all that we take on as guilt which wears us down has its reason too: to teach us lessons in unconditional love.

I understand it is rather rare and uncomfortable to see yourself as the hero of your own life and I suppose it is because people too seldom feel capable and too seldom are encouraged to essentially be the divine hero of their own life. I’m not saying we shouldn’t look for support and seek help, on the contrary we should definitely be more open to let others be there for us through thick and thin- but without faith in our own potential and without our own support to our self we are mere infants helplessly wandering this hazardous earth. So once we have physically grown beyond the stage of infancy we must slowly but surely metaphysically grow into our own loving parent, god or goddess. Without developing this inward support of the self we cannot yet embody the full magnitude of who we have the potential to become. Parents teach us about this, they are the examples of the loving parents that we are meant to develop within by showing us how to love us unconditionally. Though all parents, as they are people too, are flawed and make mistakes of their own, meaning they usually too have more to learn about the subject of unconditional loving, we must strive to become the better parent and learn from all given lessons. The better parent is the one who loves even more, not in a competitive way, but in a forgiving, brave, naked and vulnerable way. The better parent is the person who loves him/herself extensively through everything and who, thanks to this love, knows how to love all other beings and moments just the same way, and who dedicates his/her life to simply be an expression of that love. The better parent is he/she who forgives their own parents and all others just as he/she forgives himself for he/she understands that all things are merely different aspects of the same thing: the desire for love to express itself in one way or another.

 So what do I really want to say? Well, I suppose I really just want to thank my inner parent, my divinity within, for never leaving me and for helping me get back to where I can see the bigger picture, for taking care of and comforting all my inner children who were once hurt, holding their hands until they were finally ready to leave happily and allow me to continue onto the next adventure. It is not without a big bunch of humility that I bow down to my own inner being because I for one know what resistance I have many times put up. The beauty of it is that in seeing that it is this unconditionally loving being of light within me that brought me to be- I can now peacefully merge with it. With all the gratitude my heart can bear I now surrender to my own magnificence, allowing for all the love it holds to be expressed entirely and freely through me.

Because such is the human being that she isn’t only the facilitator of love- she is love manifested.

Who am I?

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It is the question that we all strive to answer and that impacts every aspect of our lives. Consciously or unconsciously we are constantly searching for the answer of this immense question. When we are unconscious of it we go about our daily lives always trying to create the answer to this question, trying to create who we are by association, comparison and definition. Once we are conscious of the fact that we are indeed actually searching for the answer to this question we instead begin to look for it in a more resolute and mindful way. Slowly the realization comes that we’ve most probably been searching in the wrong places, often places outside of our physical body, in other people, in job titles or family roles etc. So the automatic response becomes to start searching within the self, within the own body and mind causing one to stop trying to define oneself through the eyes of others and identifying with secluded groups and such. We become more open to the many possibilities of what this important question’s answer might be. We also become more aware of what actually constitutes the self… but we cannot yet fully answer the question of ‘who am I?’ until we have plunged so deep within our self that we find the well that connects us to the gigantic ocean where we are all one with all living things.