INTIMATE STRANGERS

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I felt silly at first, to think that things could have been any different. But did I really think so? Maybe I just didn’t. Maybe I’m neither surprised nor feeling like I knew what it was going to be like. Maybe I’m just not really used to this profound sense of ease. Though there is some frustration hiding somewhere. A sadness maybe…

 I feel sadness because I feel how guarded the hearts that I once touched have become. But maybe they were always so guarded and I was just to infatuate to see. I do have a habit of seeing far beyond the masque that they wear. And so sometimes I forget it’s even there. And when I wake up from my loving trance I am stunned to see such unfamiliar faces on the people that I love deeply. I get the feeling that I have been brutally thrown out, cast away like a drunk from a nightclub, and all I wanted to do was just to dance. Only, I am a drunk in love within hearts that aren’t ready. Dancing and dancing.

 Maybe it hurts because I was once that stone face with a brick wall around my heart, keeping everyone at a safe distance. I too tried to protect myself in the ways in which I knew how, and locked myself out of my own heart, my own unconditional love and stream of emotions. Pain can do that to people. I know that now.

 So when I see their faces, acting like they never rested deep within my soul and drank from my gushing love, I am reminded of my own past pain. Pain from denying all the love that was, only to be able to move forward without showing the world how you’re limping. But I know better now. It is okay to limp. It is even okay to stop and rest for a while, to let the feelings catch up to us. To dive deep into vulnerability. To be honest. And then move on stronger, maybe even without that old limp.

But most of them don’t know this. Most of them don’t even know how to stop hiding, because they’re still hiding from themselves. Today I don’t act deceivingly merely because others do. I stay true to myself, deeply connected to my own love and flowing feelings. I know better than to fear them because they are simply always passing, like a river running through me. I am not scared. I let it flow with ease. I let it go. I am honest, vulnerable and always, always in love. I forgive myself for having once been like them. I forgive them for their brick walls and stone faces. Unaware, protective of hearts that really just long to be ripped open for love to dance freely through them. I accept and love it all. I am grateful.

I reside in my own heart. I am in love, always. Thank you.

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AN OPEN BOOK

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An open book is what I am, look and you shall find. I hide nothing and even if it seems so- it is just not yet the time. What you haven’t seen of me is what you haven’t known to look for, but it is all right here, available and real. I am not ashamed, and therefore I don’t lie. But don’t be fooled, I’m not predictable. I face myself with all that I am, holding nothing back as I then turn to face you. Read me, loud and clear. I breathe the breath of love, keeping me sane and honest. I am an open book for anyone to read, wordless chapters, poems, overloaded pages of ramblings, never ending imagery of my heart, soul and mind… it is all right here. If you care to know, I’ll tell you what I feel and what I know, I’ll tell you about my soul. I am as real as I was born to be; my bones are clothed in truth and not in fashionable tapestry. Be not afraid that sometimes I seem to know you better than you know yourself; it is only that I see the entirety in me, beautifully mirrored in your totality. I see my imperfections; I see them perfectly, and I see that I am perfect much thanks to all those flaws. I am an open book, a wildly growing flower that’s not afraid to bloom. Pick me up and read me, be not afraid to have me- for I’ll live a thousand times. Out of love I’ll be reborn, each single time one reads me and smells my scent of truth.

WHAT I OWE

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I owe it to myself

To no longer fear my fears

And so I must forgive

The fears that I have feared

I must forgive my fearing

For that too was my fear

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They had the chance to scare me

And so they did before

But now I see I’m stronger

And they stand little chance

For all I have endured now

Yet still I am so brave

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Forgiveness I must grant

For I didn’t always see so clear

That it was I who brought my fears

Like a heavy luggage on my back

On this voyage through life

It is time I let go and travel light

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I owe it to myself

To see how strong I’ve been

To see that my mistake

Was holding on to fear

And that if only I forgive now

I’ll remember how to fly

For without that heavy load

It is bound to be so easy

Just as I remember it should be

And so I give myself permission

To loosen that tight grip

And letting go of fear

If I wasn’t fearful

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If I wasn’t fearful I wouldn’t be who I am. If I wasn’t fearful I would not be as brave, as wise and as vulnerable as I am because I wouldn’t know what fears to challenge, what lessons to learn and what battles to fight. If I wasn’t fearful I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t grow as strong as I am.

It is because I am blessed with the sensation of fear that I know where to go- straight into the daunting fire. I know precisely what I have to do to mature and evolve to continue becoming who I truly am. Thanks to the fact that I am fearful I can be bold, I can be sensitive and I can prove my fears wrong. I can be me- the truest and most beautiful version possible.

So I chose to be grateful for fear. I thank my fear for making me both humble and courageous. I thank my fear for being tenacious, for not backing down and giving in even as I tried incessantly to push it away. Because if it hadn’t been for fear I would have never known to take those leaps of faith that scared me to death but that brought me the closest to life. I thank my fear for showing itself to me being both terrifying yet ever so helpful in my journey in this life. I thank fear for showing me its ugly face in order to make me see what’s beautiful.

Thank you fear, I will do my very best not to look away.

IT’S OKAY

 

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It’s okay to fall back sometimes, to stumble and to fall into pits that you were certain you could handle. There’s no end in learning, that’s what I’ve learnt. We’ll never fall into a pointless pit because that’s just not how life works. The real challenges of those dark holes that we all sometimes end up falling into are to find the lessons and really learn in order to stand tall again. Otherwise we become our own roadblocks, our own missing rung on the way back up. I’ve been stumbling and falling quite a bit lately and it has consequently made me rather upset and puzzled. I have pitied and blamed myself, cried a good share of tears and I have asked “why?!” one too many times,only to unconsciously dig myself a bigger hole and inhibit my own resurrection…

 

So I decided not to forbid myself to fall, to fail, to relapse and regress into anger, tears and self-pity because that would only have caused me to become even more disappointed, sad and angry. Instead I repeated to myself countless times: it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. And when it all seemed the most hopeless, I suddenly started believing in what I was telling myself, it really is okay. I had known it all along but I had my reasons to doubt and so I let myself, because it is okay to doubt. Even when my mind was saying that nothing was okay my heart stayed convinced: it’s all okay!

 

What I have realized is that there is no point in resisting; life hits us, and sometimes even harder than we thought we could handle, no matter how much we fight it. When we accept that, we also learn that we can handle quite a lot. Actually we learn that there isn’t much we can’t handle; yet we remain humble because we know all about what life can put us through. Once we stop resisting what life is handing us, accepting its challenges and embracing its lessons, we start growing. We become the persons that life intended us to be because we travelled on its road however bumpy and harsh it turned out to be. We grow as strong as we possibly could have because nothing ever came too easy to us. We become as wise as the old because we have lived just as much but in fewer years. We laugh as happily as the children because we hear that motherly voice, even as it whispers, “everything is okay”.