INTIMATE STRANGERS

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I felt silly at first, to think that things could have been any different. But did I really think so? Maybe I just didn’t. Maybe I’m neither surprised nor feeling like I knew what it was going to be like. Maybe I’m just not really used to this profound sense of ease. Though there is some frustration hiding somewhere. A sadness maybe…

 I feel sadness because I feel how guarded the hearts that I once touched have become. But maybe they were always so guarded and I was just to infatuate to see. I do have a habit of seeing far beyond the masque that they wear. And so sometimes I forget it’s even there. And when I wake up from my loving trance I am stunned to see such unfamiliar faces on the people that I love deeply. I get the feeling that I have been brutally thrown out, cast away like a drunk from a nightclub, and all I wanted to do was just to dance. Only, I am a drunk in love within hearts that aren’t ready. Dancing and dancing.

 Maybe it hurts because I was once that stone face with a brick wall around my heart, keeping everyone at a safe distance. I too tried to protect myself in the ways in which I knew how, and locked myself out of my own heart, my own unconditional love and stream of emotions. Pain can do that to people. I know that now.

 So when I see their faces, acting like they never rested deep within my soul and drank from my gushing love, I am reminded of my own past pain. Pain from denying all the love that was, only to be able to move forward without showing the world how you’re limping. But I know better now. It is okay to limp. It is even okay to stop and rest for a while, to let the feelings catch up to us. To dive deep into vulnerability. To be honest. And then move on stronger, maybe even without that old limp.

But most of them don’t know this. Most of them don’t even know how to stop hiding, because they’re still hiding from themselves. Today I don’t act deceivingly merely because others do. I stay true to myself, deeply connected to my own love and flowing feelings. I know better than to fear them because they are simply always passing, like a river running through me. I am not scared. I let it flow with ease. I let it go. I am honest, vulnerable and always, always in love. I forgive myself for having once been like them. I forgive them for their brick walls and stone faces. Unaware, protective of hearts that really just long to be ripped open for love to dance freely through them. I accept and love it all. I am grateful.

I reside in my own heart. I am in love, always. Thank you.

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BACK TO MOTHERLAND

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There was a time when I was forced to burn for these words, punished by the fear of the dormant masses, but today I mustn’t hide and I mustn’t be silenced. Today brave hearts are ready to receive and ready to give openly, without shame or judgment. The old picture of me is fading, the one where I stand subdued and held hostage as an alien in an indigenous tribe of distress. The new picture of me is emerging, the one where I sit in peace in my own motherland, welcoming this alienated population to come join me to learn the wisdoms of this soil.

I see now that I was enslaved by my own perception, mistakenly viewing myself as the stranger whilst all along it was those whom could never understand my mystic tongue that had estranged themselves from this earth. It was not my dancing that did not but belong but their stagnated veins and deafness to the music that made it seem so. With the moon I hear the cries of the land and the sea, calling me back, singing my name the way I remember it being sung since the very first life I set foot on this gentle planet. I remember my mother and father, giants of the sky, and in their honor I am brought back to life, again and again. I acknowledge the grandness of my being, the lifetimes it withstood to once more find its way through the pavement and flourish.

Ask me if I’m crazy and I will assure that I am, because such will we all become once we have drank from the river of our own soul and tasted the true flavor of life’s building blocks. I am crazy indeed for I have breathed air contaminated with lies yet still see the truth I was meant to be kept from. I am wild and foolish, certainly so in the eyes of those whom cannot see beyond the veil where half of me exists. But truly foolish are they who do not allow for more than they can grasp, because if the world was simply just as it is assumed to be by the gullible majority- the world would truly be a doomed place. Fortunately, the great truth cannot be undone simply by the rule of the blind, though it needs a great deal of help revealing itself once again. But trust not these words for it, for they hold no accuracy, as they are mere messengers of what can be sensed with senses yet to be discovered. Be brave and find out for yourself. This time we shall not burn.

WHAT I OWE

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I owe it to myself

To no longer fear my fears

And so I must forgive

The fears that I have feared

I must forgive my fearing

For that too was my fear

 –

They had the chance to scare me

And so they did before

But now I see I’m stronger

And they stand little chance

For all I have endured now

Yet still I am so brave

 –

Forgiveness I must grant

For I didn’t always see so clear

That it was I who brought my fears

Like a heavy luggage on my back

On this voyage through life

It is time I let go and travel light

 –

I owe it to myself

To see how strong I’ve been

To see that my mistake

Was holding on to fear

And that if only I forgive now

I’ll remember how to fly

For without that heavy load

It is bound to be so easy

Just as I remember it should be

And so I give myself permission

To loosen that tight grip

And letting go of fear

LOVE AT NO COST

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We think that one who loves risks all

We think so because one who loves gains all

And therefore one who loves must also loose all

But we are wildly mistaken

Not because one who loves does not gain all

But rather because one who loves can never stop

So it follows that one who loves can never loose

As once our hearts have been torn open wide

They will always remember

They will never forget the marvels they knew

They will never unlearn how to cast those spells of love

 –

Our minds on the other hand tell a different story

They say we must curl up and die a slow death

For they think that love is a thing that can be lost

But love cannot be lost

Love can only grow, it knows no other way

And when our eyes don’t see its branches blooming

Its roots are simply extending into the abyss

Stretching down to the depths of our being

Even as it seems winter ends a short-lived summer blossom

Love makes us steady and strong

Preparing for another season

One even merrier to come

 –

Love is a tenacious being

With no dawn in time nor space

As it seems to set it also rises

Within it grows no fear

Though our minds have painted it in the colors of our horrors

But when the giant bubble bursts

And we see the sphere we used to dread

Once clothed in all our terrors, now open up its merciful gates

Not at all what it appeared to be

Merely a mind made mirage of what love ought to be

 –

Love is really all around

Impossible to loose or even not to find

Just dare to go beyond the hurdle

And see that love is always present

But if we think we have to love at all cost

Such will be our findings

Until we learn it has no price

Love will look to be a terrible sacrifice

But since love is all, it can hardly be lost

Therefore it is simply so

That one who loves is one with all.

A SPARK OF OPTIMISM

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Little flashes of weakness wash over me as if to remind me to return to the source of my strength. I feel almost overwhelmed, as if all of this is really just too much to handle- but then I remember that it isn’t a fight, and therefore I need not struggle nor give up either. Every day, every moment is a blessing and calls for a ‘thank you’ rather than a ‘hold on’.

 All resistance I have harbored within is beginning to surface into the consciousness of my mind and body and I am continuously granted the chance to let go and move forward with further ease, each second more open to the spontaneous flow of life, the endless river of love.

 If I have been honest before I now intend to be more than merely honest. I will be open as a book, cramped with the words and actions that most accurately express the magnificence of my inner being, my truth, and my soul. Now more than ever before is the time to not simply believe in the miracles of life but to full on trust and actively enact them.

No barriers remain insurmountable and no hindrances hold the power to entirely throw me off course. An obstacle is purely an opportunity. With the risk of sounding overly optimistic and naïve, I believe rather confidently that a strong shift in our foundation is intelligently setting forth the changes required to spark the evolution of mankind onto the direction of our loving intuition.

Every second holds a portal into infinity and though accessing seems hard at times it is only to prepare our character to eventually fully embody the light that we can finally attain. I believe, feel, know and trust the purpose of all. With love extending in and out of my heart I rest assured that all is well and all is one. In this union we have already overcome. In love we are bound and so we shall eternally be.

The one to always be there, the one to become

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I am beginning to see now just what it is I have done for myself in this lifetime. I am beginning to understand the extent and the depth of the work that I have done with and on behalf of myself. I am beginning to allow for the seeds that I so bravely planted within to truly take root and to crack open the surface and begin to show. And with this I am beginning to acknowledge just how grateful I am for my own persistency, courage and unwavering faith. Sure, there have been moments when my mind has questioned just about everything and I have felt like giving up; I’m even sure there are many more of those moments to come. But at the end of the day I still have myself to thank for pulling myself through the tough stuff and believing in the good of all. I have stared myself in the eyes oscillating between feeling everything from and including intense self-loathing and good old unconditional love, but however dark things have sometimes tended to seem, I never forgot about light. And so finally I am truly beginning to see that I have really been there for myself through it all. I’m seeing that all past little versions of me have brought me safely to this moment, this magnificent moment we call the present. So, without of course neglecting the importance of the people who have always been around, I realize that I, more than anyone, am to thank for, for this precious moment. Just as much as I am to blame for all the times I have not acknowledged the geniality and beauty of life I am also to thank for all those other times when I actually did manage to open my eyes to the wonder of the world. Though blaming is of no purpose, I know that now, because even what we perceive as mistakes and all that we take on as guilt which wears us down has its reason too: to teach us lessons in unconditional love.

I understand it is rather rare and uncomfortable to see yourself as the hero of your own life and I suppose it is because people too seldom feel capable and too seldom are encouraged to essentially be the divine hero of their own life. I’m not saying we shouldn’t look for support and seek help, on the contrary we should definitely be more open to let others be there for us through thick and thin- but without faith in our own potential and without our own support to our self we are mere infants helplessly wandering this hazardous earth. So once we have physically grown beyond the stage of infancy we must slowly but surely metaphysically grow into our own loving parent, god or goddess. Without developing this inward support of the self we cannot yet embody the full magnitude of who we have the potential to become. Parents teach us about this, they are the examples of the loving parents that we are meant to develop within by showing us how to love us unconditionally. Though all parents, as they are people too, are flawed and make mistakes of their own, meaning they usually too have more to learn about the subject of unconditional loving, we must strive to become the better parent and learn from all given lessons. The better parent is the one who loves even more, not in a competitive way, but in a forgiving, brave, naked and vulnerable way. The better parent is the person who loves him/herself extensively through everything and who, thanks to this love, knows how to love all other beings and moments just the same way, and who dedicates his/her life to simply be an expression of that love. The better parent is he/she who forgives their own parents and all others just as he/she forgives himself for he/she understands that all things are merely different aspects of the same thing: the desire for love to express itself in one way or another.

 So what do I really want to say? Well, I suppose I really just want to thank my inner parent, my divinity within, for never leaving me and for helping me get back to where I can see the bigger picture, for taking care of and comforting all my inner children who were once hurt, holding their hands until they were finally ready to leave happily and allow me to continue onto the next adventure. It is not without a big bunch of humility that I bow down to my own inner being because I for one know what resistance I have many times put up. The beauty of it is that in seeing that it is this unconditionally loving being of light within me that brought me to be- I can now peacefully merge with it. With all the gratitude my heart can bear I now surrender to my own magnificence, allowing for all the love it holds to be expressed entirely and freely through me.

Because such is the human being that she isn’t only the facilitator of love- she is love manifested.

Who I am

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I know who I am now. I am a force beyond the thinkable. I am an old soul on my way home after a long journey. Coming home is always bittersweet. It is hard but so very beautiful too. I have been wandering for a long time now and even though this might not be precisely the last of my destinations I can sense this voyage is coming to an end some time soon and I am coming home. It is with immense gratefulness that I look back upon my journey, even though I’m not quite sure exactly where I have been. What matters most is where I am right now and this, this is a good place and all I know is that I have my past to thank for this moment. Regarding the future, I have no more worries. I have come this far and I trust that life won’t give up on me until all my duties are fulfilled on this earth. It is a dark place many times but I am determined to shed as much of my light as I possibly can to help guide my fellow humans on their wearying travels throughout life. I have no choice but to believe it is possible because it was possible for me. I’ve been spinning in a wheel of despair only to find a little hope to bring me out of the shadows of my own existence. I have been thrown into the same miserable maze time after time only to get a little closer to the end each and every time. Life doesn’t give up on us- that is one thing I know. We always get another chance, even if it’s in a new mind and body or simply the same after a good night sleep. Heck, every second is a second chance. So if we are brave enough to set sail and just hang in there, if we never give up, we will come home. It is important to remember that the journey is a blessing even if it’s tiresome. And it is also important not to get lost on the journey by loosing faith but to trust that we are in fact always on our way home and that home is an even higher blessing. Now know this: we can never really come home if we’ve never been away.

REBIRTH

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I have come to understand that, in most cases, some sort of rebirth must follow death. Now, I know it sounds strange but after some powerful yogic practices I experienced my own death, or rather the death of my ego. As traumatic and difficult as it may have been to detach from my former sense of identity it was most of all a big relief. I was now free from my own judgment and thus free from believing I had to be something else than the pure energy that I realized I was. At first it was strange, having to readapt and accepting that, although I might not be so aware of whom I seem to be, others still perceived me as a functioning human being and expected me to act accordingly. It took some getting used to but as I travelled around India, meeting open-minded and warm-hearted truth seekers it was no struggle for me to simply be, unbounded by old ideas of how I ought to behave. My spirit soared free, untroubled by the restraints of the body and the narrow mind. I, in the sense of a specific person with a distinct identity, was on the loose and nowhere to be found. I had spread out, enjoying the pleasure of freedom as much as I could, considering I still had a live and healthy body to return to at the end of a long day.

 

All along I was ignoring the dreaded voice reminding me of my humanity, of my true belonging in my body in this earthly life. How would I ever choose to settle back into the very mind and body that kept me prisoner for so many years, that made me believe it was all I had and all I was, the body that could feel pain and that was judged by others along with the mind that judged both itself and others… how? Well, I didn’t. Instead I fought hard to stay away. I would cry in the end of meditation only because I resisted going back into my body after having merged with the soul of the world. But something always drew me back. It was inevitable to go back. And so I figured there had to be some reason for my body, some reason for me to be thrown back into it no matter how convinced I was that I had learnt all I needed to learn in order to leave this life in peace. Confused, I consulted my very cherished yoga teacher at the time who told me to treasure the little things, appreciate the wind breeze on ones skin, the taste of good food as it touches ones tongue, the sound of birds singing, the ability to see the horizon stretch along ones field of vision.

 

I did my very best to do this, I even believed I had managed until, bluntly, I realized I had failed completely. Rather than loving the feeling of the wind upon my skin I was only able to love the wind. Rather than enjoying the experience of good food I was only enjoying the food itself. Rather than appreciating the sound of birds singing I was only appreciating the birds. Rather than relishing the ability to see the beauty of this world I only relished the beauty itself. And so, in hindsight, it is perhaps no surprise that I eventually collapsed upon returning to my hometown in Sweden. Suddenly people did not just expect me to be a person, but a very precise one. Still convinced that I would not let anything or anyone recapture me into my old self I struggled to maintain my sense of centeredness in the universe, almost forgetting the purpose of wearing this body and the estranged face that came with it. What I didn’t realize was that, since I had gladly buried away my old and ever so clingy ego without burying the whole of me, I was living in no-man’s-land. I was a drifting soul refusing to re-identify with itself materially, hindering the embodiment of the wisdom that it had gained access to along its travels.

The mind had grasped it but the body was still being deprived from its own possibilities. In fact the body was feeling quite left out and made it clear to me that it needed my attention. After an injury in the neck, the part of the body that just happens to be connecting the mind and the body, I have now been forced to lie still for quite some time, which as you can imagine has led to a fair share of contemplation. It slowly became evident to me that after having metaphysically died that one time in India, I never really made the choice to live again. It seemed unlike me to not want to live but I actually found myself whishing that my bodily life would soon come to an end as well. Even as I am writing it is hard to remember and cherish the joys of earthly life compared to the peacefulness of escaping the self. I didn’t foresee that I would have a choice in the matter and I especially did not predict it being so hard. Yet here I am, faced with the epic question “to be or not to be?” and I seem unable to make up my mind.

 

But then I receive a flash from the future, a mild hissing from a distant breeze, that I have tasks yet to be undertaken, that I have love yet to be shared and wisdom yet to be unfolded. I see that this body, no matter how ungratefully treated in the past, wants to live on in order to carry through all that it was meant to. Life does not frighten me and however much pain I will come to suffer through this body and this mind I will not escape. I will not give up. And because my old ego stands in the way of nothing I will live this life to the fullest, with no restraints and restrictions, as long as my body allows it. I will remain in touch with the world of no limits while never losing sight of who I am in the world of limits. I will continue believing in miracles by being the one miracle that was given to me, my body. I will feel all the feelings that might arise in it fully, always knowing that there is a space beyond it, a sanctuary where these feelings can drizzle out and help me heal. I choose this life. I choose this body. I am willing.

 

I hereby declare myself reborn.