CEASE FIRE, RETREAT

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I see now

What you ask is out-of-date

It can’t be done

And that is how you had me working like a dog

Doing what couldn’t be done

But now when you keep asking I must tell you

That what you ask has already been done

And therefore you must retire

You had me under close watch

With my best interest in mind

Because true it is that I needed you then

And you pushed me well and far

But today I have been pushed as far as can be done

So from here on out I am bound to make it

Which is why I do not need you any longer

We both do deserve a good rest

You did your job with splendor

And I too always did my best

So let us shake hands in peace today

For what we were striving for has now been achieved

The time has come to realize

The finish line is crossed

Your schooling days are over

Even way past due

Pushing further would only be upsetting

It would lead me back astray

All this hard work

So that now you can sit back

See me take it in

For what remains is but acceptance

Of a job finally accomplished

So let us not resist this ending cycle

But be grateful for its success

No need for more regrets or worries

Just a cause for celebration

For here begins the new.

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SERVANTS OF THE MOON

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I bleed with the full moon

As it eclipses I fall into its shadow

But in the vivid dark I see

The fallen sisters of times past

My faithful standing allies

And those yet to grieve

The river of blood that we spill

Today the moon is full

And it speaks of more than sorrow

It speaks of laughter shared

Of sisterhood braced

It tells the tale of waters dance

And preaches of flowing life

Dictating the tides of our bodies

One we grandly walk upon

Others we sensitively walk within

It sings to the rhythm of our beating chests

And I hear the gentle tapping

Of bare feet to the ground

We sway with the currents

Surrendering to our master in the sky

It tells me to bleed

And so I honor its vile wish

Yet weeping no more

For the lineage of the drained

Understanding finally why

Such was our heredity and destiny

To continuously live and die

Rinsing the present of the old

Such is the providence of our sisterhood

Powerful keepers of balance

Humble dancers of destroyers

And tender queens of rebirth

Loyal decedents of the divine

We were never fallen

Merely dancing to the everlasting flow

In and out like breaths of air

Kindred delicate warriors of this earth

Holding life within our wombs

Bleeding with the full moon

AN EPIC BATTLE

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For an exaggeratedly long time now I have been afraid of being too much. I’ve been afraid of expressing all of me and not being understood, of being rejected for my truth. I wasn’t always aware of this lingering fear of mine since it came in disguise, in subtle ways making me compromise who I was, making me a more edited, cropped and censored version of myself, both physically and in character. It has made me silent when I felt the urge to speak and made me speak when I would rather just have stayed silent. It has made me feed my absorbed insecurities rather than boost my inborn self-confidence. It has made me listen to others when I should have listened to myself just as it has made me full of myself, deaf and stubborn, when I should’ve listened to others. So here is me embarking and completing the journey of stripping myself of this fear to become who I am.

One would think it seems obvious that we should all simply be who we are but the harsh reality of it is that this fear of simply being is one that persists in most of us, sometimes even all the way to the grave. This I refuse. Now that I’ve began acknowledging this fear it seems more and more irrational for me to continue putting in such immense effort in order to be less of myself. In hindsight I think it was the conscious choice to be more of myself that aggravated things and set the war in motion; the opposing forces within me made the state of things unsustainable and I was brought to some sort of breaking point. It is no wonder that I’ve been exhausted, pumped out of all energy with nothing left to do anything that does not contribute to the resolution of the inner conflict. I have been so busy draining myself of vitality that adding a single thing to my list of burdens, however light they might have seen, would have caused me to crumble. It’s not that I’m week and nor do I carry more than anyone else, quite contradictory I am strong and I refrain from carrying more than what lays within my direct span of responsibilities. It is rather, fortunately so (though it might seem unfortunate to the outsider at first glance) that circumstances have led me to evolve in such a way that I have been forced to prioritize. I have been pushed to truly and wisely pick my battles, or more accurately: pick my battle.

 And so, as I have been brave enough (because most of us know it truly does take courage) to go into this most crucial of battles, the one between who I am and who am not- yet who I have tried foolishly hard to be, I am gladly seeing the dawn of a ceasefire on the horizon. I realize now that ‘who I am not’ stands little to no chance at all at winning this battle of battles because, regardless of how fearful I might have been, there seems to be little to nothing at all that can possibly stop ‘who I am’ from winning this battle of battles. ‘Who I am not’ is slowly giving in more and more willingly, beat from trying to impose itself on a pure force of nature. As it turns out, ‘who I am not’ has been waiting for me give it some sort of sign that it is allowed to give up…

They say that it isn’t the darkness within that scares us the most but really our inner light that brings us most fright. Today I know this for a fact… just as I know that fear is something to be faced. So when fear has the upper hand, making us shiver from the mere thought of moving into it, let us think of it this way: facing the significant fear of truly embracing and embodying who we are really means to face, embrace and embody a pure being of light and love. Now, how scary can that really be if we don’t even think too much about it but simply feel it? Doesn’t feel too bad does it? Yet I’ve still been (and I know I’m not the only one) scared shitless to really encounter and accept this person that I am, intrinsically good and beautiful! Why? Because in some twisted way my conditioned mind had me thinking I would be too much if I didn’t hold back.

We live in a world where almost everyone does this automatically to themselves and so we too grow to learn to do the same. We dim our light and we cover up the most raw and pure bits of our being. All this as a desperate yet understandable attempt at being loved, though ironically when we do so we tell ourselves that we are not loveable just as we are. We send signals to ourselves and others that only once we are a little less of who we are and a little more of who we are not we can maybe be loved fully. Stupid isn’t it? Yes it is stupid because it is a lie, and it is a lie I’ve been longing to bust not merely in theory but also in practice. So as I am acknowledging, embracing and growing into the fullness of me, I intend to bust this lie. I am proving to both myself and others that I am loveable just as I am- uncensored and undimmed. Belittling and distorting myself further is but an act that I am growing weary of putting on.

 Suddenly, being too much doesn’t seem so scary anymore because if I can still love myself untamed and raw, I need not worry of much else. Suddenly my eyes are open to see the beauty in the pure and honest being in others as well as in myself. And following, suddenly my heart is inviting to be loved wholly by others in return. So first, I’d like to thank ‘who I am not’ for putting up such tough resistance, making the winner even more worthy than it might otherwise have been. But most of all I’d like to thank the champion of this battle of battles.

Congratulations ‘who I am’, I now surrender to you.

 You have won.

I have won. 

A SPARK OF OPTIMISM

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Little flashes of weakness wash over me as if to remind me to return to the source of my strength. I feel almost overwhelmed, as if all of this is really just too much to handle- but then I remember that it isn’t a fight, and therefore I need not struggle nor give up either. Every day, every moment is a blessing and calls for a ‘thank you’ rather than a ‘hold on’.

 All resistance I have harbored within is beginning to surface into the consciousness of my mind and body and I am continuously granted the chance to let go and move forward with further ease, each second more open to the spontaneous flow of life, the endless river of love.

 If I have been honest before I now intend to be more than merely honest. I will be open as a book, cramped with the words and actions that most accurately express the magnificence of my inner being, my truth, and my soul. Now more than ever before is the time to not simply believe in the miracles of life but to full on trust and actively enact them.

No barriers remain insurmountable and no hindrances hold the power to entirely throw me off course. An obstacle is purely an opportunity. With the risk of sounding overly optimistic and naïve, I believe rather confidently that a strong shift in our foundation is intelligently setting forth the changes required to spark the evolution of mankind onto the direction of our loving intuition.

Every second holds a portal into infinity and though accessing seems hard at times it is only to prepare our character to eventually fully embody the light that we can finally attain. I believe, feel, know and trust the purpose of all. With love extending in and out of my heart I rest assured that all is well and all is one. In this union we have already overcome. In love we are bound and so we shall eternally be.

Distorted kind of love

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Their love was the distorted kind of love, but like all love, it was beautiful in essence. They thought that letting go would be a sign of weakness and lack of love, while the opposite would have been true. Letting go would enhance their love, it would move it from the distorted extreme and take it back to its center. Because that can happen to love, that it gets stolen from the heart and placed in the craving fingertips of greed, or even worse in the ugliness of the mind. All that their love really wished for was to get back home to the heart, but it happens all the time, people get confused and pure love becomes polluted by fear. So when love turns distorted, it must be released so that it stands a chance, so it will find its way back to where it belongs. But they lost faith in love, and kept it trapped where it could do no good. Now their love sings a melancholic song, waiting to be heard so that one day it may soar free and sing happily once again.

Who I am

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I know who I am now. I am a force beyond the thinkable. I am an old soul on my way home after a long journey. Coming home is always bittersweet. It is hard but so very beautiful too. I have been wandering for a long time now and even though this might not be precisely the last of my destinations I can sense this voyage is coming to an end some time soon and I am coming home. It is with immense gratefulness that I look back upon my journey, even though I’m not quite sure exactly where I have been. What matters most is where I am right now and this, this is a good place and all I know is that I have my past to thank for this moment. Regarding the future, I have no more worries. I have come this far and I trust that life won’t give up on me until all my duties are fulfilled on this earth. It is a dark place many times but I am determined to shed as much of my light as I possibly can to help guide my fellow humans on their wearying travels throughout life. I have no choice but to believe it is possible because it was possible for me. I’ve been spinning in a wheel of despair only to find a little hope to bring me out of the shadows of my own existence. I have been thrown into the same miserable maze time after time only to get a little closer to the end each and every time. Life doesn’t give up on us- that is one thing I know. We always get another chance, even if it’s in a new mind and body or simply the same after a good night sleep. Heck, every second is a second chance. So if we are brave enough to set sail and just hang in there, if we never give up, we will come home. It is important to remember that the journey is a blessing even if it’s tiresome. And it is also important not to get lost on the journey by loosing faith but to trust that we are in fact always on our way home and that home is an even higher blessing. Now know this: we can never really come home if we’ve never been away.

REBIRTH

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I have come to understand that, in most cases, some sort of rebirth must follow death. Now, I know it sounds strange but after some powerful yogic practices I experienced my own death, or rather the death of my ego. As traumatic and difficult as it may have been to detach from my former sense of identity it was most of all a big relief. I was now free from my own judgment and thus free from believing I had to be something else than the pure energy that I realized I was. At first it was strange, having to readapt and accepting that, although I might not be so aware of whom I seem to be, others still perceived me as a functioning human being and expected me to act accordingly. It took some getting used to but as I travelled around India, meeting open-minded and warm-hearted truth seekers it was no struggle for me to simply be, unbounded by old ideas of how I ought to behave. My spirit soared free, untroubled by the restraints of the body and the narrow mind. I, in the sense of a specific person with a distinct identity, was on the loose and nowhere to be found. I had spread out, enjoying the pleasure of freedom as much as I could, considering I still had a live and healthy body to return to at the end of a long day.

 

All along I was ignoring the dreaded voice reminding me of my humanity, of my true belonging in my body in this earthly life. How would I ever choose to settle back into the very mind and body that kept me prisoner for so many years, that made me believe it was all I had and all I was, the body that could feel pain and that was judged by others along with the mind that judged both itself and others… how? Well, I didn’t. Instead I fought hard to stay away. I would cry in the end of meditation only because I resisted going back into my body after having merged with the soul of the world. But something always drew me back. It was inevitable to go back. And so I figured there had to be some reason for my body, some reason for me to be thrown back into it no matter how convinced I was that I had learnt all I needed to learn in order to leave this life in peace. Confused, I consulted my very cherished yoga teacher at the time who told me to treasure the little things, appreciate the wind breeze on ones skin, the taste of good food as it touches ones tongue, the sound of birds singing, the ability to see the horizon stretch along ones field of vision.

 

I did my very best to do this, I even believed I had managed until, bluntly, I realized I had failed completely. Rather than loving the feeling of the wind upon my skin I was only able to love the wind. Rather than enjoying the experience of good food I was only enjoying the food itself. Rather than appreciating the sound of birds singing I was only appreciating the birds. Rather than relishing the ability to see the beauty of this world I only relished the beauty itself. And so, in hindsight, it is perhaps no surprise that I eventually collapsed upon returning to my hometown in Sweden. Suddenly people did not just expect me to be a person, but a very precise one. Still convinced that I would not let anything or anyone recapture me into my old self I struggled to maintain my sense of centeredness in the universe, almost forgetting the purpose of wearing this body and the estranged face that came with it. What I didn’t realize was that, since I had gladly buried away my old and ever so clingy ego without burying the whole of me, I was living in no-man’s-land. I was a drifting soul refusing to re-identify with itself materially, hindering the embodiment of the wisdom that it had gained access to along its travels.

The mind had grasped it but the body was still being deprived from its own possibilities. In fact the body was feeling quite left out and made it clear to me that it needed my attention. After an injury in the neck, the part of the body that just happens to be connecting the mind and the body, I have now been forced to lie still for quite some time, which as you can imagine has led to a fair share of contemplation. It slowly became evident to me that after having metaphysically died that one time in India, I never really made the choice to live again. It seemed unlike me to not want to live but I actually found myself whishing that my bodily life would soon come to an end as well. Even as I am writing it is hard to remember and cherish the joys of earthly life compared to the peacefulness of escaping the self. I didn’t foresee that I would have a choice in the matter and I especially did not predict it being so hard. Yet here I am, faced with the epic question “to be or not to be?” and I seem unable to make up my mind.

 

But then I receive a flash from the future, a mild hissing from a distant breeze, that I have tasks yet to be undertaken, that I have love yet to be shared and wisdom yet to be unfolded. I see that this body, no matter how ungratefully treated in the past, wants to live on in order to carry through all that it was meant to. Life does not frighten me and however much pain I will come to suffer through this body and this mind I will not escape. I will not give up. And because my old ego stands in the way of nothing I will live this life to the fullest, with no restraints and restrictions, as long as my body allows it. I will remain in touch with the world of no limits while never losing sight of who I am in the world of limits. I will continue believing in miracles by being the one miracle that was given to me, my body. I will feel all the feelings that might arise in it fully, always knowing that there is a space beyond it, a sanctuary where these feelings can drizzle out and help me heal. I choose this life. I choose this body. I am willing.

 

I hereby declare myself reborn.