ALCHEMY OF LOVE

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Love what you don’t like

Love what you don’t understand

Love what you can’t see

Love what you see

Love what you hate

Love what makes you sad

Love what makes you wonder

Love what makes you feel

Love what makes you upset

Love what makes you angry

Love what is different

Love what is boring

Love what is joyful

Love what is

Love everything and everything will bring you love

Love with no limits and infinity will be the reward.

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INTIMATE STRANGERS

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I felt silly at first, to think that things could have been any different. But did I really think so? Maybe I just didn’t. Maybe I’m neither surprised nor feeling like I knew what it was going to be like. Maybe I’m just not really used to this profound sense of ease. Though there is some frustration hiding somewhere. A sadness maybe…

 I feel sadness because I feel how guarded the hearts that I once touched have become. But maybe they were always so guarded and I was just to infatuate to see. I do have a habit of seeing far beyond the masque that they wear. And so sometimes I forget it’s even there. And when I wake up from my loving trance I am stunned to see such unfamiliar faces on the people that I love deeply. I get the feeling that I have been brutally thrown out, cast away like a drunk from a nightclub, and all I wanted to do was just to dance. Only, I am a drunk in love within hearts that aren’t ready. Dancing and dancing.

 Maybe it hurts because I was once that stone face with a brick wall around my heart, keeping everyone at a safe distance. I too tried to protect myself in the ways in which I knew how, and locked myself out of my own heart, my own unconditional love and stream of emotions. Pain can do that to people. I know that now.

 So when I see their faces, acting like they never rested deep within my soul and drank from my gushing love, I am reminded of my own past pain. Pain from denying all the love that was, only to be able to move forward without showing the world how you’re limping. But I know better now. It is okay to limp. It is even okay to stop and rest for a while, to let the feelings catch up to us. To dive deep into vulnerability. To be honest. And then move on stronger, maybe even without that old limp.

But most of them don’t know this. Most of them don’t even know how to stop hiding, because they’re still hiding from themselves. Today I don’t act deceivingly merely because others do. I stay true to myself, deeply connected to my own love and flowing feelings. I know better than to fear them because they are simply always passing, like a river running through me. I am not scared. I let it flow with ease. I let it go. I am honest, vulnerable and always, always in love. I forgive myself for having once been like them. I forgive them for their brick walls and stone faces. Unaware, protective of hearts that really just long to be ripped open for love to dance freely through them. I accept and love it all. I am grateful.

I reside in my own heart. I am in love, always. Thank you.

AN EPIC BATTLE

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For an exaggeratedly long time now I have been afraid of being too much. I’ve been afraid of expressing all of me and not being understood, of being rejected for my truth. I wasn’t always aware of this lingering fear of mine since it came in disguise, in subtle ways making me compromise who I was, making me a more edited, cropped and censored version of myself, both physically and in character. It has made me silent when I felt the urge to speak and made me speak when I would rather just have stayed silent. It has made me feed my absorbed insecurities rather than boost my inborn self-confidence. It has made me listen to others when I should have listened to myself just as it has made me full of myself, deaf and stubborn, when I should’ve listened to others. So here is me embarking and completing the journey of stripping myself of this fear to become who I am.

One would think it seems obvious that we should all simply be who we are but the harsh reality of it is that this fear of simply being is one that persists in most of us, sometimes even all the way to the grave. This I refuse. Now that I’ve began acknowledging this fear it seems more and more irrational for me to continue putting in such immense effort in order to be less of myself. In hindsight I think it was the conscious choice to be more of myself that aggravated things and set the war in motion; the opposing forces within me made the state of things unsustainable and I was brought to some sort of breaking point. It is no wonder that I’ve been exhausted, pumped out of all energy with nothing left to do anything that does not contribute to the resolution of the inner conflict. I have been so busy draining myself of vitality that adding a single thing to my list of burdens, however light they might have seen, would have caused me to crumble. It’s not that I’m week and nor do I carry more than anyone else, quite contradictory I am strong and I refrain from carrying more than what lays within my direct span of responsibilities. It is rather, fortunately so (though it might seem unfortunate to the outsider at first glance) that circumstances have led me to evolve in such a way that I have been forced to prioritize. I have been pushed to truly and wisely pick my battles, or more accurately: pick my battle.

 And so, as I have been brave enough (because most of us know it truly does take courage) to go into this most crucial of battles, the one between who I am and who am not- yet who I have tried foolishly hard to be, I am gladly seeing the dawn of a ceasefire on the horizon. I realize now that ‘who I am not’ stands little to no chance at all at winning this battle of battles because, regardless of how fearful I might have been, there seems to be little to nothing at all that can possibly stop ‘who I am’ from winning this battle of battles. ‘Who I am not’ is slowly giving in more and more willingly, beat from trying to impose itself on a pure force of nature. As it turns out, ‘who I am not’ has been waiting for me give it some sort of sign that it is allowed to give up…

They say that it isn’t the darkness within that scares us the most but really our inner light that brings us most fright. Today I know this for a fact… just as I know that fear is something to be faced. So when fear has the upper hand, making us shiver from the mere thought of moving into it, let us think of it this way: facing the significant fear of truly embracing and embodying who we are really means to face, embrace and embody a pure being of light and love. Now, how scary can that really be if we don’t even think too much about it but simply feel it? Doesn’t feel too bad does it? Yet I’ve still been (and I know I’m not the only one) scared shitless to really encounter and accept this person that I am, intrinsically good and beautiful! Why? Because in some twisted way my conditioned mind had me thinking I would be too much if I didn’t hold back.

We live in a world where almost everyone does this automatically to themselves and so we too grow to learn to do the same. We dim our light and we cover up the most raw and pure bits of our being. All this as a desperate yet understandable attempt at being loved, though ironically when we do so we tell ourselves that we are not loveable just as we are. We send signals to ourselves and others that only once we are a little less of who we are and a little more of who we are not we can maybe be loved fully. Stupid isn’t it? Yes it is stupid because it is a lie, and it is a lie I’ve been longing to bust not merely in theory but also in practice. So as I am acknowledging, embracing and growing into the fullness of me, I intend to bust this lie. I am proving to both myself and others that I am loveable just as I am- uncensored and undimmed. Belittling and distorting myself further is but an act that I am growing weary of putting on.

 Suddenly, being too much doesn’t seem so scary anymore because if I can still love myself untamed and raw, I need not worry of much else. Suddenly my eyes are open to see the beauty in the pure and honest being in others as well as in myself. And following, suddenly my heart is inviting to be loved wholly by others in return. So first, I’d like to thank ‘who I am not’ for putting up such tough resistance, making the winner even more worthy than it might otherwise have been. But most of all I’d like to thank the champion of this battle of battles.

Congratulations ‘who I am’, I now surrender to you.

 You have won.

I have won. 

Small mind, Big world

IMG_6182Meaning. Purpose. Or whatever we choose to call it. That’s the key. That’s what it’s all about. At least this is my theory of what it’s all about… and also what it’s not about. 

We might all go about searching and possibly finding it differently but however I try to break it down I always end up with this sturdy common denominator, namely meaning. Also, I believe there are two aspects of meaning, one that is constructed and created by the human mind, both collectively and individually; another that simply is, which is fundamental to existence no matter what man knows or thinks of it. Consequently, the way I see it we have certain major choices in life. Either we stubbornly convince ourselves and others that our idea of meaning is unquestionably right, i.e. idealism, extremism, fanaticism, radicalism etc. or we search aimlessly for something to give us what we seem to miss within and fall in each pit that society has dug for the exhausted pursuers of happiness, i.e. addiction, consumerism, deprivation, denial. Or, we acknowledge the second aspect of meaning, which isn’t interwoven in the creation of human civilization and which lies outside of the conceptions of society yet inevitably permeates all life. This, according to my humble theory, nonetheless supported by ancient wisdom and philosophy as well as modern day science, would lead us to reevaluate the ideas and structures of our culture and furthermore create a shift in both our thinking and our living. The only reason I can think of as to why it hasn’t yet reshaped the human world we live in is that the fundamental idea of man being responsible of creating meaning still prevails and blocks the recognition of the essential meaning of life. If we remain attached to the notion that meaning is to be conceived by man we will inevitably remain stuck within the limitations of the ideas that we are able to rationally conceive. Yet if we were to drop this, somewhat egocentric, idea that we as a human race and as individuals are to decide what is meaning and what is not, we should be able to recognize that life itself has teachings that we can take note of without necessarily having to be the architects behind it.

 Understandably, this is infinitely hard. For the rational mind to drop its desire to figure everything out and to stop building up a worldview that is rationally justifiable in today’s society, it takes quite a lot of introspection. Likewise, for the lost souls whom cannot seem to settle with any given rational definition of meaning to stop looking to be distracted from their sense of lack, it takes quite a lot of courageous self-examination and determination. It takes bravery in its uttermost form to be willing to jeopardize all what we have socially learnt to be true and right in order to open oneself up to uncovering a mystery that is actively denied by so many. And more than anything it takes great faith in something beyond humanity itself, which perhaps in its nakedness is the scariest thing of all. With all do respect, I am not talking about a blind faith in sacred scriptures, profane sciences or in higher beings that we have named God, Allah, or Brahma much like characters in childlike stories that we repeat to ourselves in hopes to live meaningfully. I am talking about a limitless faith in everything that cannot be imagined by the human mind in combination with everything that is in fact perceivable to man. Man has, during his approximate 200,000 years on planet earth as a conscious being yet failed to formulate an all-encompassing truth pinpointing the reason why we exist. Still he walks around this earth as if he was the ruler of all and in the process he has made himself the enemy of all. Our desperate attempts to recreate some sort of meaning to life has mistakenly put us in a position where we contra productively deprive life of its intrinsic meaning, doing things like leading wars, exploiting our resources and all kinds of indulgence in big or small scale conflict.  

Is it so unlikely that existence itself knows better why we are all here and that existence itself is not trying to hide this reason but that we, ambitious as we have become, are drowning out its voice by overlooking the obvious? Is it so unlikely that we, socially conditioned by our own relatively short human history, are simply barking up the wrong tree? Is it so unlikely that we can experience meaning, know meaning, feel meaning and live meaning without making it up or recreating it in our minds? Is it really so unlikely? I say no, on the opposite, it is quite unlikely that there isn’t such a meaning, but instead of saying “seek and ye shall find” I’d like to say “trust and ye shall find”. Meaning. It’s here. Let’s believe it and embrace it. 

Distorted kind of love

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Their love was the distorted kind of love, but like all love, it was beautiful in essence. They thought that letting go would be a sign of weakness and lack of love, while the opposite would have been true. Letting go would enhance their love, it would move it from the distorted extreme and take it back to its center. Because that can happen to love, that it gets stolen from the heart and placed in the craving fingertips of greed, or even worse in the ugliness of the mind. All that their love really wished for was to get back home to the heart, but it happens all the time, people get confused and pure love becomes polluted by fear. So when love turns distorted, it must be released so that it stands a chance, so it will find its way back to where it belongs. But they lost faith in love, and kept it trapped where it could do no good. Now their love sings a melancholic song, waiting to be heard so that one day it may soar free and sing happily once again.

DYING

Skärmavbild 2014-05-20 kl. 5.51.15 PMThe truth is, I am going to die. The truth is, we are all going to die. This is what life has taught me, that I will die. With this realization, a part of me is already beginning to die. But it’s okay. That’s how it’s supposed to be. We can go about our whole lives trying to ignore this simple truth but in fact it will not make us any happier, only more deluded. There is great fear in disappearing, in realizing that something will happen to you that will make you cease as you. It’s scary because we can’t understand it, because we refuse to understand it. We hold on tight to everything that can prove our existence but in the end none of that matters. Realizing that is part of dying. Letting go is a sort of reconciliation with death. Death can seem like an end but it is only the end of attachment. Death is detachment from the illusion of the mind and the limitations of the physical body. Death is in one part a separation and in another a fusion. Things only seem to disappear when they unite with something bigger than themselves. 

LOVE AND LET GO

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(Photo by Solveig Flø Hunnes)

If there is attachment there will always at some point be a detachment and this causes us pain. Its almost like removing a band aid that’s been glued so hard to your skin for so long that the very thought of it being ripped off hurts all the way from within. We know this to be true and yet we continue to bring people into our hearts and minds and make them a part of us. Why do we do this when we know it can devastate us and tear us apart? It’s almost like a willing sacrifice. We choose to willingly open our hearts for total shattering because of the joy and the love that gets to be given and received while everything is still the way we hoped it to be. Every single day we take the risk to care about people, to let them in and to make them a part of our self even though we know that they might one day break our heart and disappear from their physical form. That’s how beautifully our hearts function, the heart does not fear it’s own death because the heart lives while it can. It is open to anyone at anytime no matter the risk and the possible consequences of wreckage. The heart teaches us to love no matter what. The heart teaches us that the exchange of love is greater than the devastation when the exchange might suddenly end. Love is not wasted just because it is not manifested the same way forever and ever between two physical bodies. Love begins but never ends. A heart that has loved and been loved will always survive it’s own death because it once learned to be open, even if this meant breaking at some point. We love and we die. We rejoice and we cry. It causes us to feel pain but the love we have shared will always encompass all of the pain we suffer. The heart teaches us to be thankful, thankful for the love because it brings us joy and thankful for the pain because it teaches us the hardest yet most important lessons in life: to love and let go.